One evening at dinner, he made a sarcastic remark about my weight and the fact that I was a size 8.
“You know, the problem with fat people is that they never leave anything on their plate,” he said sarcastically. “And when you finish eating, I don’t even have to wash your plate.”
I told him his comment hurt my feelings. He replied, “Oh my God, you said you wanted to lose weight. I was trying to help you. I’ll leave you alone from now on.”
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He made me feel guilty, but deep down I knew this was a toxic relationship and his comment was his attempt to throw me off track.
I grew up with a poor sense of self. I questioned my self-worth and doubted my ability to understand people or a difficult situation.
As I grew up, I heard phrases like: “You shouldn’t feel this way,” “You’re overreacting,” and “You’re too sensitive, Nancy.”
While these statements seemed harmless and insignificant, it was derogatory statements like these that told me my feelings were incorrect and taught me doubt, denial, and stuffing my feelings.
As an adult, I was naive, gullible, and trusting. I judged men (and everyone) with my impressionable and impulsive feelings.
I repeatedly made poor choices in relationships, had my heart broken frequently, and wasn’t sure how to improve my self-esteem.
I didn’t trust my judgments about men. When I dated a guy, I had a hard time figuring him out.
I said to my friend: Do you think he loves me? “What should I say or do next?” “Do you think he’ll call me again?” “Why did you stop calling me?” And of course, “What did I do wrong?”
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When I was in a relationship with a man, I was afraid of saying or doing the wrong things. I was afraid to ask for the things I wanted and needed in a relationship for fear of rejection from the man.
I was afraid to stand up to the man’s criticism, deception, and hurtful behavior because I might falsely accuse him and he would become angry and leave me.
I had grown accustomed to the accusatory, insulting, and confusing statements a man would throw at me during an argument. My friend would complain, “That’s not what I said,” or “I heard that wrong,” or “I don’t remember saying that,” or “Calm down, will you? I was just kidding.”
When those digs failed to crush my spirit, he would use his perfect jab: “You’re overreacting,” which was code for: “What’s wrong with you?”
I wondered if I was as crazy as he thought I was. Was I overly sensitive to his statements, which seemed spiteful and hurtful? Could I have misunderstood or misinterpreted what felt like a hard slap in the face? Was I the one who was ruining our relationship?
Then I began to ask myself: If I had misunderstood what he said, or if he did not say what I heard him say, why was it so hurt inside me? Am I so out of touch with reality?
Somewhere just below my consciousness, my simple voice was asking to be heard. “You know the truth,” she muttered. She suspects he’s lying. She feels he is shifting blame to hide his bad behavior.
But I loved him even though our relationship was toxic, and I didn’t want to give up on him, so I closed my eyes to the truth.
I denied and repressed my hurt feelings. I rejected my fundamental need for self-preservation. I tuned into my spiritual cognitive voice and stayed in a relationship that promised to break my heart.
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My blood is boiling. The woman inside me screamed: No! You are not wrong! She did not misunderstand what he said. You’re not overreacting to his manipulative and insulting comments.
You interpreted his insulting remarks correctly. This scum may fool your heart, but it cannot fool your intestines!
Don’t let a man or anyone talk you out of your feelings. When your boyfriend or husband tries to bring you down, remember this: A man’s statements of blame, rejection, and rejection are meant to make you doubt your ability to reason and understand a dysfunctional relationship.
When I stopped listening to and manipulating the self-serving statements of others and looked inward for my answers, I found wisdom. I began to see people as they were, not as I imagined them or wished they would be.
I am no longer a victim of the man’s charm, deceptive words, and empty promises.
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