This is a story from a dedicated reader

Hi Alex, I’m Jonathan, and I wanted to 1) share my story and 2) ask you some questions.

The story begins first… First, I want to thank you a million times over for your blog. Thanks to you, I was able to name what I had been living with for over a year and a half: a narcissistic relationship.

Once I discovered what it really was (other than the “popular” term everyone is throwing around),

I was able to begin the healing process, and I finally felt the urge to share my story with you, because I believe putting words to what I was feeling will ultimately help me feel better.

Intro

Things aren’t always easy right now; I have to admit. Because I’ve come to realize that everything I’ve been through was just a sugar daddy story, I wasn’t married to this person.

I don’t have any kids from her. None of that. I’m actually lucky compared to many people I’m sure you’ve met who have been physically abused by their partners.

I had none of that. All I have left are memories of amazing moments, along with those where I felt like someone was sucking the life out of me.

So many people tell me, “John… you dodged a huge bullet,” the day I left her.

So why do I feel the urge to share my story? Well, because every, and I mean,

sign of narcissism was right there in front of my eyes, and I simply didn’t know what it was and couldn’t put it together, because I was so in love and so confused.

That was until I found your blog. I think the interesting part of this story is that you see the gradual unraveling of the narcissist, and how he went from “perfect” to “hell”.

From little lies to big lies. Some of them are pretty ridiculous. So here’s the story:

JohnAndHisNarcissist

I’m a 29 year old, New Yorker, of Portuguese descent.

I’m doing very well in my career; I have what some would call an interesting life. I live between New York and Los Angeles, and I meet very interesting people for work.

Related : Dealing With a Sadistic Narcissist – A Look Inside The Mind Of A Narcissist

I can’t say my life is boring and I’ve met my fair share of women, and I thought I’d “met every type possible”… Well, that was until I met my first narcissist, while on holiday in Lisbon in August 2012.

PerfectionStage

I saw her, and I immediately connected with her. She was amazing. She was slim, long-haired, had green eyes, a killer smile, and had had plastic surgery a few months before I met her.

Well, in short, she was perfect… I’ve met beautiful women, but there was something about her, something magical.

I fell in love with her instantly within a few days. The connection was instant; the level at which we established instant “intimacy” was beyond surreal, and so was the sexual chemistry.

We could spend hours and hours in each other’s company, talking. She made me laugh like no one else, she was feminine, she had an amazing sense of style, and everything was perfect.

She told me that, of all the men she’d been with, I was the only one she’d ever felt a real connection with.

Being with her was the best feeling ever. So we decided to try a long-distance relationship, since we’d see each other every month for about a week. We thought, “Let’s start from here and see how it goes.”

Narcissist Shows His True Self

I was working remotely from Lisbon for two months, so we ended up spending a lot of time together at first, and we thought the long distance was worth it. But then some things started to bother me, and here comes the “fun” part.

First, she never paid for anything; she didn’t even pay for a cup of coffee! Literally nothing.

Whenever I refused to pay for her, she would immediately become passive-aggressive. On New Year’s Eve, we were having dinner with friends, and I paid for her dinner.

She didn’t say a word. Then I said, “You could at least say thank you for dinner.”

She was furious. For the first time in my life, I saw real hostility in someone’s eyes. And believe me, I’m not an “innocent guy” or a nice “Joe.” I have values ​​and a personality, but this confused me.

Danger_Signs

This was the first danger sign. During dinner, she didn’t pay much attention to me and was obsessed with taking pictures (a lot of pictures…) with her other friends.

Money

As we were finishing dinner, we were waiting for a taxi to come and I asked her “Do you have money to pay for the trip?” She replied “Yes I do.”

I told her, “Make sure you have money because there’s an ATM right behind you…”

She didn’t check her wallet. We get in a taxi and go to the party, and as he drops us off, I look at her… expecting her to at least pay for the taxi.

She says, “No, I don’t have money and I wouldn’t walk down the sidewalk in high heels, that’s why I didn’t go to the ATM.”

The next day, we go to visit an old castle outside Lisbon. When we get to the entrance, I say, “You’re paying for this castle.”

She doesn’t say a word, but again, I sense a bit of malice in her eyes. She won’t talk to me. Anything I say is immediately shut down.

Once she was visiting me here in New York. Another time, she didn’t pay for a single dinner.

When I wasn’t with her, she would go crazy. I had to work and couldn’t take days off to be with her (before she came, I told her it would be hard for me to take days off).

NeedAttention

When I wasn’t with her, she hated to She texts me because I’m not with her (again… I was working). I always remember that time when I ordered some food (this is getting funny…), Chinese chicken with vegetables.

Related : Do Narcissists Get Worse With Age?

I ate, while I was still in the kitchen making some stuff, and she ended up eating all the chicken and leaving me with just the veggies (… yeah… that’s what happened).

InflatedEgo

One day, she got mad, because I didn’t want to take a cab home, and decided to take the subway instead.

She would also constantly ask me to take pictures of her, anywhere, anytime. She would “pretend,” pretend to look at the sky, and put on a “fake smile” to make herself look good.

We would go out to dinner, and instead of having a conversation, she would get on her phone, go through all the pictures I had taken of her that day,

and try all sorts of different Instagram filters to see which one made her look the best.

That’s when I realized this wasn’t going to last. But I still loved her, and right before she left New York,

She took me to Central Park and said, “I want to tell you something I’ve never told anyone before. I love you. With all my heart, I love you.”

Why Not Contacting Matters

After that trip, I decided we were done. And that’s where I made a huge mistake.

I still kept in touch with her… but I told her I didn’t feel comfortable pursuing this relationship.

Manipulation

I was changing careers and was very focused on that. But I kept texting her.

When I told her we were done, she said I’d given up on her, that she’d go to the end of the world for me.

That she’d live in a slum if necessary. All she wanted was to be with me, take care of me, and be with me.

A month went by. I had planned a weeklong trip to Miami with two friends.

It turned out she was also on vacation that week, but I didn’t invite her to come.

In my mind, again, I knew it was over, and I needed to move on. Forward, despite all the love I had for her. She kept telling me she loved me, that she missed me.

Lying

But two weeks before the trip she texted me saying “Hey, I thought I was going to tell you I was getting married.” And that’s when my world came crashing down.

I still felt so much for her, she was telling me two weeks ago that she loved me and now she’s getting married??

I asked her why she was telling me she loved me if she had someone else.

Her response was “She didn’t want me. I was willing to go anywhere for you,

I was willing to move to New York, but you didn’t want me.” So I thought “John, you’re making a huge mistake by not giving this a chance.

This woman is ready to build something with you, and you’re focused on your career, and you might be missing out on something.” What an idiot to think that was…

So I texted her “Come join me in Miami, and we’ll see if it’s worth a shot.”

She told me she was breaking off the engagement because I was the only man she loved and would always love.

I go online, get her ticket (what an idiot…), and we all meet in Miami the following week… and that’s when things started to go wrong again.

SelfObsessed

The second night, I talked to her and said “so if you say you’re willing to move to New York, I’m willing to give this a chance and build something strong with you.”

I told her that if she was going to come, she would need to find a job, and that I wouldn’t be living with her right away. Rome wasn’t built in a day… and things take time.

She said she agreed and that she was moving, because that’s what she wanted: to be with me forever.

Well… words, words, words… She was completely obsessed with herself during that vacation, constantly taking pictures of herself (over 700 pictures of herself in just one week, and she never asked to take a picture with us both…).

When I wasn’t paying attention to her, she would go crazy again… and at the same time she said she was ready to follow me to the end of the world…

I remember that night, when we came back from the club, she put on her swimsuit at 2.30am, and asked me to go take pictures of her in the pool… yeah… that happened too.

We hardly had sex during that trip, she always found an excuse. Or she was very drunk, or she wasn’t feeling well, or something like that.

She said to me “I was engaged to someone until last week, I can’t switch like that, you have to give me time…”. It turned out that the engagement was all lies.

One night she forgot to close her email, and while she was taking a shower, she opened her mailbox.

And there was nothing about a wedding or an engagement.

She never sent any emails, she keeps all her emails. Her fiancé’s name is supposedly Philip, and there wasn’t a single email from Philip… It was a disaster.

I was taking her out to dinner, and I didn’t thank her once. One night, a friend of mine took us out to dinner.

When I asked her if she thanked my girlfriend, she got mad like never before, saying I was poorly educated and an idiot for lecturing her on how to act.

breakup

Anyway, after that trip in Miami, I told her, “We’re done for good now, this is pointless, we have different values.” She kept telling me I was the man of her life, etc.

This went on for about two weeks after that trip. I remember her texting me on Friday saying, “I’m sorry it didn’t work out in Miami, but it’s because we were with your friends, and we weren’t intimate, I love you.”

These were all lies, we spent enough time with her and I, but every time she was more interested in taking pictures of herself, or checking her Facebook account, than talking to me. So that was Friday.

Then two days later, on Sunday, she texted me saying “Hey, I was thinking of telling you that I’ve gotten into a new relationship 🙂 I still love you very much.” I replied bye. That was it.

What does “Narcissist Always Come Back” mean

I no longer follow her on Facebook, but I was so tempted to check on her, and I realized she changed her Facebook profile picture to be with this new guy, with a big heart as the title.

I only follow her on WhatsApp and “miraculously” she also changed her WhatsApp profile picture to be with this guy, she just met him, like she wanted to rub it in my face…

I blocked her on Facebook, and I noticed she deleted that picture.

When I unblocked her, she brought it back. I had to do a test. One night, I was drunk and went to check her Instagram (rookie mistake) and saw that she was still posting pictures of herself in New York and Miami, on vacation, and she had a new boyfriend.

She posts pictures of things we used to do together, but now she’s doing them with him. She’s clearly trying to get my attention.

She never posted anything before, and suddenly she wants to appear like she’s the happiest friend in the world.

Related : The Difference between Borderline and Narcissistic Personalities

She still tries to get my attention here and there, but she comments on Facebook posts with the only friend we have in common, and I wonder why she has a new source of narcissistic supply.

TheEnd

She’s manipulative, but I won’t respond or even engage with her. Anyway, despite all the love I felt for her, I dumped her after that Miami trip, and I felt hurt by how “quickly” she moved on, when just two days earlier she was convincing me that I was the man of her life, the man of her dreams.

Yes, I miss the good times, but I have to accept that it was all a “mirage.”

My mind has changed, but my heart still misses all those good times we had… in the beginning. Live and learn.

I have learned from reading your blog. I feel empowered to dodge the next bullet, if a narcissist tries to shoot me 🙂

Now the questions:
How long does it take for a narcissist to reveal their true self when they are in a relationship?

John, thank you for sharing your story. It shows the revelation of a classic narcissistic personality.

I think you handled the situation very well considering you didn’t know about NPD when you first started the relationship.

Congratulations on your ability to free yourself; I know it can be very hard when you miss a narcissistic ex because they know how to make the good times so good (but also the bad times so bad).

The average time is about 4 months when you first start noticing the red flags, although some narcissists are obvious from the start and others can cover them up for a few years.

CanANarcissistEventuallyChange?

Meaning, can they show all the signs of narcissism in one relationship and then be the perfect partner in the next? Thank you, John

Depending on what you read, narcissists can or cannot change. Some say that with a lot of therapy and a lot of time, you can make progress.

I think it’s a personality disorder where you can, sometimes, modify their behavior but not their basic personality.

Related : How to Leave a Narcissistic Relationship? Step-by-Step Guide to Regain Your Freedom

But even those few who have had their behavior modified still don’t “understand” empathy.

They can’t put themselves in someone else’s shoes or put someone else’s needs before their own.

Can a narcissist be “a narcissist” in one relationship and an ideal partner in another?

Not likely. Unless the other relationship consists of the narcissist and what they consider to be an ideal partner—someone who is happy to be dependent, submissive, and willing to provide narcissistic supply at all times.

This person would have to have extremely low self-esteem to tolerate the abuse.