I’m Sally.

I escaped from a narcissist, my ex-husband to be specific.

After twelve long and painful years of marriage, I had a “now or never” moment that I will never regret.

Was it the hardest thing I’ve ever done? Absolutely. But what would have been harder was another twelve years—or even one.

So now the baton of freedom I’ve been holding must be handed to you.

It’s your turn.

What Is It About Me?

I want to start by saying how many years I blamed myself for the way I was treated.

Out of twelve years of marriage, I blamed myself for 10.5 of them. The past year has been about realizing what I’ve been through, grieving the end of a chapter I wanted to last forever, and what I never got to have.

Related !: You Must Never Reveal This One Thing to the Narcissist

The past six months have been a divorce and division of assets.

When I look at myself, I think about the kind of person I’ve always been.

Eager to please others.

I never put myself first.

I’m happy when everyone else is happy.

I value attention, more than I want it.

I want to feel safe, loved, and cared for.

I’m not a conflict person.

I love my friends and family.

I’m good at my job.

All of these qualities made me who I am. And I was proud of this person. I felt ready to find someone who could accept all of that, who could remind me every now and then that I mattered, too.

The Narcissist Was Irresistible

Like all long-term partners, my husband started out as another man in the world. We met in a bookstore. I was browsing the self-help section to find a book to help me cope with anxiety. Looking back, I know that the first warning sign was immediate…

“You look so pretty that you don’t have to worry so much.”

I smiled, and that’s how we met.

For the first few weeks, all he did was listen to me. It felt like a faucet had been turned on, and all my feelings, thoughts, urges, fears, and dreams were pouring out of me and he was there with his emotional buckets, scooping them all up.

He charmed me, no doubt about it.

Some have asked me if I can see that now when I look back, and they’ve said yes. But at the time, all I saw was someone who gave me time, love, and attention.

He took my fears and promised me that it would never be a problem.

He had earned my trust, and I had no reason to believe he would take advantage of that.

Things Go Worse Quickly…

When something seems too good to be true, it usually means it is.

In this case, the change in mood within the relationship became apparent when my ex began to mildly contradict his feelings.

One day he’ll be okay, and he’ll love the meal I cook for him.

The next week, I was cooking it again, and he was telling me it was disgusting and he couldn’t eat it.

He would joke, telling me I was gaining weight or getting older faster than he could blink, but that he “still loved me anyway.”

I started making excuses not to see family and friends because I knew he would have a problem with me going out.

He would say things like, “Why do you need them when I’m with you?” or “What boring things are you going to do with them this time?”

When he asked me to quit my job and take care of the house, I eventually ran out of money, and I had to rely on him for everything.

He would give me money when he felt like it, and wouldn’t give me passwords to my data or bills.

He would tell me that everything was being taken care of, and I didn’t have to worry, so you see how all this wrong behavior was made to seem healthy and good.

INeeded Escape

It quickly became clear to me that this wasn’t the relationship I thought would last forever.

Working out my options while working through my pain was the hardest part of all, and I’ll never forget having to reconcile the two.

Life goes on, even when you’re at your most difficult time. For me, that was me. And I knew there was no future in marriage.

I felt the need to escape it like it was a process I had to plan for, rather than just wake up and leave the day I knew I was fed up.

I urge anyone reading this to think similarly, because your options can change dramatically for the worse if you walk away without a little forethought. However, if you’re at risk, you need to get out ASAP.

What I Did To Get Out

The exit happened in a few steps. I told my husband I wasn’t happy anymore, and he tried to change my mind by pretending we were just going through a temporary phase.

Related : 10 Signs From The Universe You Are Dealing With a Narcissist

I kept thinking about that word.

This wasn’t just a passing moment.

I reached out to a friend I knew I could trust, and she let me slowly move my things into her garage. Gone were the things he wouldn’t recognize, like my childhood boxes and my passport.

When the time came, I asked to meet my husband in the park, where I told him I was filing for divorce. I arranged it in a public place, so I knew I would be safe and could leave when I wanted.

Getting My Life Back

Getting my life back over time looked like this:

Getting a job, so I could save up a few months’ worth of money to put down a deposit on a flat.

Reading. I’ve always loved reading, and I’ve been told it’s a weird thing to do. I enjoyed finding old classics to reread, as well as new titles.

I caught up with friends I hadn’t seen in a long time – some for years.

I connected with a therapist who I saw every other week. He helped me compartmentalise my life, rather than feeling like it was scattered in the wind.

I endured the bad days, knowing that they were there to heal. I cried, and I stayed in bed. I allowed myself to feel whatever was coming up inside me.

The good days became more frequent over time, and that’s what I made sure to hold on to.

It Could Be You

If you think it can’t be you, I’m here to tell you that you’re wrong.

Getting your life back isn’t an overnight goal – but I have to tell you that the desire to do it is.

Reach out to anyone who can help and support you, and suggest the best plan for you and your circumstances.

I promise you won’t regret it.