It was my wedding day. The ceremony was sweet and emotional, but as soon as we got to the reception, I knew something wasn’t right. I was sitting next to my new husband when my mother approached me, holding flowers in her hand…and dressed as a clown.

While the outfit was unexpected, my mother’s demeanor was business as usual. You see, I’ve planned a performance in honor of my big day.

In her mind, it was fun and innocent. For me, it was another event that was derailed by her desire for attention.

It was another example of my mother’s narcissism on full display. I managed to survive the day and eventually learned how to deal with the experience of growing up with a narcissistic mother.

You can do that too.

Related: 8 Psychological Tricks To Break Up With The Worst Kind Of Narcissist

Life with a narcissistic mother

As I got older, I didn’t really understand why I was so picky about her. Probably all teenagers are upset with their mothers. My friends would tell me how funny she was, and I have to admit that it was nice sometimes to have an unconventional or boring mom. She was creative and artistic. She would design clothing and furniture, organize dances for our community, and perform on stage in her own productions anytime she had the opportunity.

I knew I could talk to her about anything. However, what I trusted could be used against me in the future.

One day she can be amazing, giving me advice and encouragement, and the next she can crush me.

Success can be celebrated or downplayed depending on her mood. Failure was an opportunity for her to destroy all my hopes.

It was never a direct criticism. That would have been too obvious. It was a low-key, dismissive statement, gentle enough to seem like she cared about me, and hurtful enough to still affect my self-esteem years later.

She was the one who took me to the doctor when I was a teenager to check if I would stop growing soon because I was “too tall” and she was constantly noticing that I had gained weight. She was the one who doubted my sanity when I failed my medical school entrance exam at 18, two years earlier than everyone else, and who, over the years, belittled my professional success.

She was wondering what I did wrong when my husband cheated on me and wondering if I was pretending to be happy after working on myself and coming back from a divorce. I never heard my mother say she was proud of me or that I did something right without a “but” at the end of the sentence.

For her, I succeeded because of luck and I failed because I was bad.

Related: 7 Serious Signs Someone You Know Has Narcissistic Rage

Retreat into the protection bubble

I tried several times to defend myself. It always ended in a fight, a dismissive remark, her questioning my love for her, and me feeling guilty for what I had just said. When she’s hurt, she can retreat into her bubble and stop talking to me for days at a time.

Boy, she can hold a grudge! It was very hard for me to see her sad. As a child, I couldn’t understand what I did wrong, and as an adult, I felt like it was my fault and that I was the bad person.

She had her own terrible story, why she felt rejected or unloved. My mother was abandoned at birth because her father did not want to raise another girl. Naturally, this childhood trauma had its consequences.

She was very emotional, moody, and selfish, and needed constant reassurance from others that she was loved.

After working with many clients who had a mother, father, or spouse who displayed narcissistic tendencies, I discovered that most narcissists have their own childhood trauma and their own quest for love.

Is this enough reason to harm others? i don’t think so.

Narcissists can display extremely deviant behavior, even becoming violent to prove that they are right. I have seen the dire consequences of this on some of my clients, but not every narcissist is created equal. Most of them are actually charming and cute until they turn into a monster whose only mission is to make you feel small and unworthy.

I have never been a victim of physical abuse or severe neglect and I am very grateful for that. However, I knew that my mother could bite at any moment. She was mostly kind, and now that I’m older, I’m often surprised by her genuine concern for my well-being, my opinion, or simply my desire to know what’s going on in my life.