When you’re in a long-term relationship with a narcissist, they test and pressure you. They may deliberately antagonize you. They make excessive demands and control your every move, offering little in return.

But for some reason, you never feel a good enough reason to leave. What’s going on?

Narcissists Push You To You

Narcissists are manipulative by nature. They spend their lives manipulating, scheming, and planning most of their day. This is what usually makes them so adept at it.

Narcissists become experts at gauging your reactions. They learn which buttons to push. They know how to upset you, how to make you feel sorry for them, and how to get what they want. Meanwhile, they monitor your reactions.

Most narcissists learn the ability to push you to your limits without exceeding them. They become so adept at manipulating you that they find the place where they can extract the most out of you, without you ever leaving them.

Narcissists hate being single. So most of them learn to be clever in their manipulation.

How Narcissists Manipulate

Narcissists choose people who don’t have the strongest boundaries. They learn to gently push their boundaries, gradually getting them used to putting up with more. They learn to subtly put themselves down to chip away at their self-esteem. This allows them to put more pressure on you over time.

They know that a confident, secure person is less likely to put up with this much nonsense. So they chip away at your self-esteem.

I know from personal experience that I was unhappy with a narcissist for many years. But I couldn’t find a good enough reason to leave. I put up with it for years. Now I know why!

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They cleverly stick to the behavior that might push you to leave them.

If they overstep their boundaries, they back down. Narcissists act nice, apologize, or do anything to win you back. They learn to say what you want to hear. And they’re usually forgiven for everything.

Exceptions

Sometimes a narcissist oversteps boundaries and continues to push. They even overstep them.

Younger, less experienced narcissists may not have learned how to define their partner’s boundaries. They may not have learned the importance of not overstepping them. So they may push someone too hard, too soon, and cut them out of their lives.

Another exception is when the narcissist has a lot of support. They consider this support “better” than their current support. In this case, they push, and they push hard. They no longer care about leaving you because they have a replacement ready and waiting for them. There is no loyalty with narcissists.

In fact, they may be happy to end your relationship. They may blame you for the “failure” of the relationship and publicly play the victim. This keeps their important public image clean. They know they have a chance to win you back in the future with promises of better behavior.

Last Thoughts

Narcissists usually learn to put pressure on you before the moment they leave. They gradually push this limit to make you more tolerant. This way, they get the most out of you for as long as possible.

You may feel sad and unsettled for months, even years. But you’re not assertive enough to leave them. This is what they play on.

They usually put pressure on you hard, but not too hard. Just enough to keep you around, giving them the attention and everything they want from you.