Dreams help me connect with myself. Those things I hesitate to admit to myself often end when my subconscious knocks on the door of my dreams to let me know that something is wrong. I didn’t fully realize how my mind was trying to get my attention until well into my first marriage. I started reading some books about dream analysis. Suddenly the similarities between my dream life and my real life became unavoidably clear. I just need to think metaphorically.
I recently had a dream about my ex-girlfriend whom I divorced nearly two decades ago. Most people who read my blog know that I write about narcissistic abuse from a Christian and personal perspective. I think I’m one of the few who do, although if you know of any, please share! As I sat with the dream for a few days, I began to realize that I had come full circle with my dreams. Drawing her over the past 30 years has helped me see the progress she has made from abuse to healing. In ministry, I have discovered that a fair number of women actually dream at night, although they may deny it during the day when it is unsafe.
My first abuse dream was the apartment complex we lived in while I was in college. Large concrete squares were drawn on the sidewalks surrounding the married student dormitory where we lived. I was walking around the complex in my dream when the squares started changing without warning. Below, an oily black substance was visible, as well as snakes writhing within it. I had trouble keeping my balance on the unstable path, jumping from one building to another, just trying not to fall. It was a terrifying dream.
After a long time, I realized that this dream represented my true feeling living with my abuser. Typically, narcissistic abusers like to keep their victims walking on eggshells. I definitely felt as if my path was unstable, and at any moment, I would plunge into a terrible abyss. The terror I felt in the dream perfectly mirrored the anxiety I felt every day when I married my ex. I tried hard to maintain balance in this relationship. In order to survive, I had to become a moving target, trying to become what he asked for in every situation. Failure means falling into snake pits. In real life, that meant screaming, tantrums, broken furniture, and emotional terror.
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The second dream that I believe represents my arc of healing happened while I was in therapy a decade after our divorce. This does not mean that there were no dreams in between, but that they began to change as I began to change. This dream is truly horrific, so I apologize in advance for any excitement it may cause. I know it bothered me for a long time until I came to terms with what it represented.
To explain a bit, I lived with my ex in Kentucky on a farm for several years before I worked up the courage to leave. I found myself traveling past a farm with a fence similar to the one in Kentucky in my dream. There was a sign that said “Old MacDonald’s Farm,” but I knew that Old MacDonald was my ex. When I passed the farm, I saw him trying to fix the fence. To put them back together, he would place the head of the newly hatched chick on top of the nail, hold it in place with his thumb, and then crush the chick and his thumb with the hammer. For me, the horror of this image has faded dramatically, especially now that I know its interpretation.
Old MacDonald refers to the nursery rhyme, of course. Only in my dream world, the farmer does terrible things to innocent little children. Just as he hurts them, he also hurts himself. I take baby chicks as a symbol of the innocence of my children and of myself. In my first marriage I had to face evil honestly. So did my daughters, and from the person who was supposed to be their shepherd, protector, and provider, which was their father. But as he continued to kill the small birds, he also injured himself. I’m not sure where my ex is or what he’s doing, but when he surfaces, it’s clear he’s not mentally healthy.
In this nightmare, I began to confront what I had lost in my first marriage. I also experienced the true horror of the situation, made worse by the fact that he actually smashed the head of a stray dog that wandered onto our property. This event still haunts us all to this day.
My last dream happened just a week ago. At first I was confused. Some elements of the dream didn’t make sense to me, at least at first. In the dream, I was somehow married to my ex-husband. We had children together, but not my daughters. Our minds often create alternative landscapes to the ones we remember. My ex-boyfriend brought home a baby lion and said he would raise this tiger. In the dream, I didn’t argue about whether it was a tiger or a lion. He was kept in an empty room where the children were allowed to come and go as they pleased.
In my dream, I didn’t hesitate to start planning my departure. I knew he was fooling me by calling the lion a tiger. Didn’t make much difference. I knew that either of them would soon have the power to kill the children and me. I woke up and thought a little. I realized that unlike the previous nightmare with the chickens where I remained frozen in terror, I had not hesitated at all in this dream. While my ex still pops up from time to time in my subconscious, my subconscious is no longer held hostage by my ex. In my dream, I quietly and determinedly planned to leave. When he objected, I turned a deaf ear. I was not afraid or influenced by threats or manipulation.
Men and women who live in abusive situations often dream about it. PTSD causes nightmares, which is a symptom I’ve dealt with a lot already. But it is very encouraging to see the content of my dreams gradually shift from paralyzing and terrifying to reality. I know I have accomplished great healing with great help from Jesus and healers and authors who know what they are talking about. I know I still have a way to go to create healthy boundaries, face fears, and deal with the consequences of abuse in my family. But I’m grateful that my dreams tell me the truth about where I am. The subconscious mind does not know how to lie. He just knows how to put the truth back together in a way that we can’t ignore. So don’t run away from your nightmares. Use them to heal.
