Note: As experienced therapists, we wrote this article to help readers understand what they may be experiencing based on Donald Trump’s observed behavior. We respect all political beliefs and preferences but believe we can provide helpful advice to people struggling in the current environment.
In the past 45 years of our mental health career, we have counseled hundreds of children and adults who grew up in families with an abusive, narcissistic father.
Abuse takes many forms, but in this case, we’re talking about the kind of father who never thinks about anyone but himself. When confronted with the needs of others or even a simple fact of reality, abusive and narcissistic parents become angry and do some of the following things:
Tell ridiculous lies and punish anyone in the family who won’t believe those lies
They have to be right all the time
Blame everyone and take no responsibility
Expressing disdain and going out of their way to be humiliated
Calling children and family members derogatory names such as “fatso,” “weak,” and “four-eyed.”
#Doesthislooklikesomeoneyouknow?
Narcissistic abuse and addiction often go hand in hand, but this is not always the case. Donald Trump neither drinks nor smokes, but he is addicted to the narcissistic need for attention at all costs.
Related: How To Move On From A Narcissistic Ex That’s Found New ‘Love’
This need drives him to act in abusive ways, which is why Americans now suffer from the kind of anxiety that comes with living with an addictive father figure.
Children who grow up in this type of environment can tell you what they should worry about:
Is my father telling the truth or not?
Can he be trusted?
What should we do to prevent Dad from completely flipping over?
The result of living with a father’s irrational behavior and intense anger leads to a state of chronic anxiety in those who have to tiptoe around him.
Unfortunately, this is what my father thrives on. Abusive narcissistic parents will attract attention any way they can get it.
#Why Donald Trump acts the way he does
Narcissists may appear overly confident — even bombastic — on the outside. They can be attractive and win people over – and even win elections. But, underneath the larger-than-life exterior, you will find a very hurt, insecure, and afraid little boy who feels small and invisible—the result of unprocessed childhood trauma.
(Women can be narcissists too, but unresolved trauma often manifests as other personality disorders.)
When you look at Trump’s mouth, you can see that he was traumatized early in his life. The way his mouth curves into an “o” shape as he speaks — which Alec Baldwin parodied so well on Saturday Night Live — shows signs of oral fixation, which is usually the result of a feeding disorder in the first six months of life.
Trump’s particular style is called “unsatisfied oral,” meaning he didn’t get enough sponsorship early on.
Regardless of the types of trauma Trump has suffered, no one acts the way he does without sustaining an unhealed wound at an early age. Because Trump feels deeply wounded and empty deep inside, he must act by showing that he is victorious.
The key here is the “unresolved” wound. Many of us have experienced some type of trauma early in our lives. But we evolved beyond this stage by confronting and healing our traumas.
The narcissist did not do this. He’s stuck in the wounded tooth – and acting from the same place.
Big and Scary: What Makes a Man?
The wounded little boy who never grew up may fill a man’s shoes, but he’s still afraid inside – and yet, he doesn’t know it.
It is so painful for the narcissist to confront their original wounds that they will seek to avoid them at all costs. This is why he takes on an overbearing, paternalistic personality because that is what he believes it means to be a man.
He lives his life in this false role, regardless of what others may feel. To feel big and strong, he must make others feel small and weak.
That’s why the narcissist will engage in all kinds of indefensible behaviors – sarcasm, ignoring, lying, and outright meanness. As long as he does that, he believes he can keep the wounded little boy inside calm.
In the line of fire: Why are you afraid?
Living with a narcissistic and abusive father plays all kinds of tricks on you. He will never admit his mistakes, but he will criticize every inch of you. Most of the time, his criticism takes the form of accusing you of the same thing he does.
If he is rude, he will scold you for being rude. If you bring up something hurtful he said, he’ll tell you it was your fault, to begin with.
When you’re in an environment like this, you start to doubt your own experience. You wonder what is real and what is not. A narcissist can be so convincing—because you believe his lies and projections without question—that you begin to wonder if you’re wrong after all.
Related: Early Warning Signs That The Person You’re In Love With Is A Giant Narcissist
It’s called “gaslighting” – a term that originated in a 1930s play of the same name, in which a husband tries to drive his wife crazy by constantly turning off the gas lights in the house.
