As with any intimate relationship, the relationship between a narcissistic grandmother and her grandchildren is complicated—and it’s stressful and exhausting when you find yourself caught in the middle of it. Grandchildren, they’re potentially a great source of narcissism—innocent little new people who can be molded to meet Grandma’s needs. If you let it, your child may be drawn into your mother’s complex web of emotional bonds. If you don’t, your child may become the object of your mother’s hatred, which is extremely painful to be on the receiving end of.
Sheila describes how her mother was controlling when she gave birth to her eldest daughter. “My mother took over from day one. As a single mother, I didn’t know how to stand up to her. She just told me she knew what was best. She completely disrespected my boundaries as a parent.”
From the smallest parental boundary violations that most grandparents are guilty of from time to time—giving a child candy when they’re told not to or buying a child a toy when the parents are trying to teach them the value of money—to the biggest boundary violations, including using the child as a go-between, narcissistic parents constantly violate their children’s boundaries.
They also have favorites. Just as within their own families, where children tend to be divided and assigned different roles such as golden child and surrogate parent, narcissistic grandparents assign different roles and levels of affection to their grandchildren. Daniel describes how painful it was for him to witness his mother’s behavior toward his son. “She didn’t love him, mainly because she had more access to my sister’s children. By comparison, she made her lack of connection with him into something that it wasn’t. It was very distressing to see how cruel she was to him.”
If you were raised by a narcissistic mother, you mustn’t allow your children to engage in her toxic behaviors and learn that her way of doing things is desirable or acceptable. If your usual response to her is always to retreat, accept the situation, and avoid confrontation at all costs, the temptation is often to let her get away with this type of behavior. Going against her puts her at risk of going to the other extreme and losing all interest in your child. Ultimately, regaining control as a parent is very difficult. If you want to end the family legacy and show your children that there is another way to be in the family—which means respecting each other’s boundaries, being kind to each other, and allowing each other to be independent—it’s important to address any issues you may have with a narcissistic grandmother.
