Is the word narcissism overused or thrown around too lightly? Do we need a deeper understanding of this behavior and why it is so damaging, and sometimes dangerous? After studying the disorder for over 25 years, and treating many survivors of relationships with narcissists, I have seen firsthand how a narcissist can be a weapon, and ultimately a harmful one. Some traits of a narcissist don’t really matter that much, such as bragging to cover up a fragile sense of self. But the traits that drive them to hurt others do matter.
It is important to analyze narcissism from a clinical perspective using the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders. 1 This guide for clinicians lists nine traits we see in Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Let’s review these traits with some examples:
- Has an inflated sense of self-importance—exaggerates his or her accomplishments and talents, and expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate accomplishments.
We all know arrogant people, and most of us realize that when people feel the need to exaggerate their self-esteem, they are actually covering up their weaknesses. Confident people with a strong sense of self, whether they focus on achievement or not, don’t feel the need to brag. What’s most interesting to me about this trait is the aspect of them being recognized as superior without the accomplishment to back it up. This kind of thinking can be damaging to others when the narcissist says, “Look at me, I’m better than you! I’m bigger and stronger, and I might use that against you.” Especially in intimate relationships or parenting, this can be hurtful and destructive. For example, Jack believes that he is smarter than his wife or any of his five children. So, no matter what they achieve or what perspectives they share, Jack reminds them that they don’t measure up and aren’t good enough: “It’s great that you’re on the track team now, but when I was your age, I ran marathons.” 2. Preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or perfect love.
How does this hurt? It’s the “busy” part. This is how narcissists think: “It’s all about me” and “You don’t matter.” They need to be on top and win in every aspect. They value you as much as you can help them achieve this perfection, but if you rise above them, there’s a problem: You can’t outdo them, or they will beat you one level at a time. Their preoccupation with image consumes a lot of energy that causes relationship problems. For example: Bob has to go for a jog every morning to stay in perfect shape, and there are no exceptions, including when his wife or children are sick and need his help.
- Believes he or she is “special” and unique and can only be understood by special or high-status people (or institutions).
It’s easy to say, “Who cares if they do this?” But this mindset ignores the person and only looks at their accomplishments to others. The narcissist’s mantra is that you are valued for what you do, not who you are. I see this a lot in high-conflict divorces where one partner is a narcissist. For example, when looking for a child therapist, the narcissist will value a prestigious academic background over the therapist’s actual ability and experience. It’s also common for narcissists to identify friends by their accomplishments, not who they really are as a person. This doesn’t highlight intimacy, but rather values someone as “my friend, my doctor,” etc. In healthy relationships, you value friends primarily for their character and personality traits.
- Demands excessive admiration.
Everyone I’ve worked with in a clinical setting who was raised by a narcissistic parent or was in a romantic relationship with a narcissist says they are exhausted. Why? This is because a narcissist is an empty emotional vessel that needs to be constantly refilled with admiration and praise. If you are in a relationship with someone like this, it will not only become stale, it will become exhausting. Your needs are not being met. The relationship is not reciprocal. Do you give and take? Not at all.
- Has a sense of entitlement, with unreasonable expectations of favorable treatment or automatic compliance with their expectations.
The narcissist’s entitlement is difficult to deal with, because they ignore the needs of anyone. 6. Exploits personal relationships and uses others to achieve their own ends.
Again, to the narcissist, the other person does not matter. It is all about what the person can do to help the narcissist in whatever endeavor they are pursuing. The narcissist does not think about exploiting others to achieve their own ends. It is a given. If you feel this in a relationship, look again. The narcissist does not love or appreciate the person for who they are. Example: Mary usually calls her friend Betty, a professional event planner, only when she suddenly needs help with an event.
- Lacks empathy; unwilling to recognize or acknowledge the feelings and needs of others.
A lack of empathy is a key feature of narcissism. Without empathy, how can one love, relate to, or bond with a child? Acting inauthenticly is possible, but it is not sustainable. Have you ever seen someone who seems empathetic and kind, but when things don’t go their way, they criticize you? Or a friend who can’t relate to your feelings, but always turns the conversation back to themselves? Example: When you tell your mother you’re going through a divorce, she’s more concerned with how it looks to family or neighbors than with your pain or despair. The hardest thing about having a narcissistic parent or spouse is realizing their inability to love. It’s simply an overwhelming moment.
- Often envies others or thinks others envy them.
Because narcissists must see themselves as larger than life, they assume that others will be jealous of them. But what we see more often is their envy of others who are superior to them in some way. How do they deal with their envy of others? They make a concerted effort to bring others down through constant criticism, name-calling, and gossiping, while also promoting themselves. Example: Linda is jealous of her attractive coworker Samantha. So Linda starts a rumor that Samantha is likely anorexic and unhealthy in an attempt to bring her down.
- Displays arrogance and haughty behaviors or attitudes.
This is a garish cover for a fragile ego and low self-esteem. While narcissists may appear to have high opinions of themselves, they may actually hate themselves and have a need to bring others down to feel better. While arrogant people can be difficult to deal with, this trait is generally less bothersome unless the narcissist is using it to hurt someone through their constant judgment.
It is important to understand that narcissism is a spectrum disorder, ranging from a few traits to full-blown narcissistic personality disorder. Anyone can exhibit some of these behaviors at certain times, but when these traits are consistent over time, weaken relationships, and hurt others, they become dangerous.
Some additional traits we see in narcissists include a lack of accountability, always blaming someone else, and projecting their feelings onto others. Both of these are frustrating for those around them. They cause extreme self-doubt and leave a child, spouse, or friend on guard, waiting for the next mistake. Projections seem to come out of nowhere and are unpredictable, because they are based on what is happening inside the narcissist. They lack impulse control, and they project their feelings onto others. This is why we see such hypervigilance in victims of narcissism and a tendency to exhibit many of the symptoms of PTSD.
