How do narcissists react when they can’t control you anymore? One of the main components of narcissism is gaining control over others.

This type of behavior is often a reaction to a childhood where a narcissistic parent (or parents) completely dominated their young life and didn’t allow them to develop control over their own.

So why do narcissists need control? What happens when they lose control? And how do narcissists manipulate others to regain their sense of power?

Narcissists need control because it protects their fragile identities and egos. Beneath their arrogant energy, they have very low self-esteem.

Narcissists manipulate others because they rely on these tactics to confuse people or make them feel guilty or ashamed to do what they want.

Learning what narcissists do to their victims can help you feel more educated in your relationship. Otherwise, you’re likely to continue feeling confused, angry, ashamed, or alone.

Sometimes, narcissistic manipulation can be very subtle. Narcissistic manipulation tactics may include belittling you, encouraging you to doubt yourself, or withholding intimacy.

A manipulative narcissist often knows exactly what he or she is doing! It’s a misconception that he or she doesn’t realize their toxic behavior.

Learning how to stay in control of a narcissist often involves a combination of strict boundaries or no contact at all.

How a Narcissist Controls You? 12 Tactics

Narcissists’ control tactics can range from extremely dangerous behaviors to very subtle and unnoticed gestures.

A narcissist’s hot and cold games often feel confusing and frustrating to loved ones. You never know what mood they’ll be in. You never know if you’re on their good side or their bad side.

Knowing how narcissists manipulate people is important to recognizing potential red flags in your relationship. Here are some warning signs.

1. Love Bombarding You

No one understands me like you do!

We have a connection like no other.

You are the greatest person I’ve ever met – I love you so much.

Related : Why Do Narcissists Have a Golden Child and Scapegoat Child?

Narcissists bombard their partners with love to make them feel special and loved. This isn’t just the normal excitement of entering a new relationship.

It’s an all-consuming whirlwind where the narcissist showers you with attention to make you feel like you’re in the most magical relationship in the world.

2. Making You Dependent on Them

Many narcissists are incredibly smart and charming. They may make statements like,

I don’t want you to feel like you have to work! I don’t want you to worry about your finances—I handle everything. Don’t worry about the right house—I’ll take care of everything.

At first, you may feel drawn to their generous offers to help you. But be careful. These efforts are carefully designed. The narcissist wants you to feel like you have no other options.

3. Isolating You from Others

Your mother doesn’t have your best intentions in her heart!

Why are you still friends with her? She’s always making you feel bad about yourself.

Your boss is an idiot. You deserve better.

Do these comments sound familiar? They may be coming from a genuine place of concern for a sympathetic friend. But narcissists are little crackpots designed to make you question the relationships you share with others.

Narcissists don’t want you to receive outside influence—especially if it conflicts with their views. They’ll try to interfere in your relationships if they suspect someone else might be influencing your behavior.

4. Literally Controlling Your Decisions

Who do narcissists target when they want to be in relationships? Typically, they find people-pleasers who don’t want to deal with excessive conflict or distress.

Now think about it. Is the narcissist tracking how you eat, spend money, or raise your children? Are they monitoring your every move and offering unsolicited feedback on what you should be doing better?

Most narcissists have extreme views on what they think is and isn’t permissible. And if you act against their wishes, there will be dire consequences.

5. Passive-Aggressive Response

How do narcissists manipulate when their tendencies are more vulnerable or hidden? A manipulative narcissist tends to rely on passive aggression to make others feel ashamed or confused.

Do what you want! I don’t care.

I’m not mad. Why do you think I’m mad?

It doesn’t matter what we have for dinner tonight. I have no opinion.

You know how passive aggression feels. It feels like, no matter what you decide, you’ve made the wrong choice.

Even if they tell you outright that they don’t care or don’t mind, you know that they do. And you know that they’ll use that against you.

6. Extreme Temper Tantrums

What happens when you don’t let them control you? You already know the answer! You can expect extreme temper tantrums and emotional outbursts!

You may be trying to avoid narcissists to avoid drama. You don’t want to cause any problems, after all. And you don’t want to make things worse.

So, narcissists “use” the threatening nature of explosive temper tantrums as a way to intimidate you. They know you don’t want to deal with their inevitable violent reaction, which leads you to act in ways that suit their needs.

7. Quickly Changing Tactics

Narcissists’ hot and cold games can drive anyone crazy. One moment, they’re telling you how much they love you. The next, they’re calling you selfish and crazy.

What happened here? Did I do something seriously wrong, or are they just overreacting?

As it turns out, narcissists enjoy staying mysterious and somewhat unpredictable. If you know exactly how they’re going to respond, they lose valuable momentum.

So don’t be too surprised if a narcissist alternates between different behaviors (or even seems to change personality traits). It’s all part of the ruse. They want to keep you guessing and on edge. They don’t want you to know what’s in store for you.

8. Make You Feel Sorry for Them

Does the narcissist in your life have the perfect sad story? A humiliating shocker? A horrific tale of how their ex treated them? An epic tale that would make anyone cry?

Narcissists love attention, even when it’s negative, so they often try to gain others’ sympathy by dramatizing parts of their past. Some of these claims may be outright lies. Others will be embellished truths.

But the motive here is simple: They want you to feel sorry for them. They want you to excuse their horrible behavior because they hope you’ll believe they’re just a clueless person who needs love and approval.

9. Knowing Everything About You

This often happens during the love bombing phase. The narcissist is fascinated by you. They want to know everything.

And you may respond willingly. It can be a huge release when you’re finally vulnerable with someone else. For the first time, you may feel truly safe with someone else.

Unfortunately, narcissists will use your honest disclosures against you. Their motives aren’t kind-hearted. They want to find out your weaknesses and flaws so they can use them against you later.

10. Faking Other Crises

At first, these control tactics may seem so confusing that you may not even realize they’re intentional.

This strategy usually works like this: You start calling the narcissist out for his or her problematic behavior.

You may be completely calm and collected when you do this, but you have the evidence to prove your claim.

Related : The Toxic Narcissistic Family Dynamics Explained

How does the narcissist respond? He or she doesn’t! They start talking about something horrible, bizarre, or downright tragic that just happened.

They want to hear more, but their mom is in the hospital! They understand where you’re coming from, but they have to rush their dog to the emergency vet! They want to discuss this further, but they have to deal with their flat tire first!

Of course, some of these crises may be coincidental. But if it’s a recurring pattern, it’s just another subtle form of manipulation.

11. The Need for Constant Approval

The narcissist is constantly in fear that you’re going to leave them at any moment. Remember, abandonment is the ultimate form of rejection. However, they fear that more than anything else.

Narcissists often put their loved ones through intense “loyalty tests” to confirm their commitment to the relationship.

These tests may consist of repeatedly asking you if you still love them. But they can be more destructive, like checking up on your whereabouts just to make sure you’re not with someone else.

The need for constant approval becomes a form of control because you start to feel guilty when you do anything to yourself. You question your motives and become paranoid that you’re doing something wrong — even when you know you’re not.

12. Pretending to Change

This can be one of the most destructive forms of narcissistic control. Some narcissists will go to great lengths to pretend to change to get their loved ones off their backs.

I know you keep talking about marriage. You’re right — let’s do something about it tonight.

I’m ready to have a baby.

I really understand that you want to move. Let’s start looking at houses tomorrow.

By these statements, it seems that narcissists are genuinely trying to improve themselves. They also seem to care deeply about the relationship.

But what happens in the end as a result? You know the answer! They don’t keep their word. They just “change” until they know you’re committed to them. Then they go back to business as usual.

Even if they make these serious commitments (marriage, a child, a new home), it doesn’t mean their personality will change! Worse, they may now be even more trapped.

Why Are Narcissists So Controlling?

Narcissists see other people in their environment as extensions of themselves. They are the center of the world and often see themselves as idols that others should worship and admire.

In their distorted minds, this justification makes it seem acceptable for them to control and mistreat others.

They also consider themselves experts on how people behave. Therefore, they see it as their moral duty to control people to behave in ways they see fit.

Abandonment

Fear of abandonment is at the core of almost all controlling behaviors.

If you don’t immediately agree to a narcissist’s demands, they become threatening, coercive, and manipulative. Abandonment is the ultimate narcissistic injury, and they will do everything they can to avoid that pain.

The link between narcissism and control is strong. It’s one of the main symptoms mental health professionals diagnose when diagnosing Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD).

Entitlement

Narcissists feel an extraordinary need to control others to maintain their self-image. As a result, they also devalue people as a way to boost their feelings about themselves.

Narcissists also believe they deserve special recognition for their talents, intelligence, or superior character. They feel this gives them an inherent right to exploit others.

In relationships, narcissists feel they are entitled to their partners wholeheartedly.

They lack true empathy, and will not respect another person’s autonomy or boundaries. They often become jealous, possessive, or aggressive in order to exert control.

Are Narcissists Control Freaks?

Yes, the stereotype of a control freak narcissist is absolutely true.

Most narcissists rely on control tactics to get what they want. They don’t value another person’s independence. They don’t care what you think is best. Once they assume they know how something should work, they make it their primary mission.

Narcissists often try to control every person or situation that is important to them. Even if they pretend to be “indifferent” or “unbothered” by what is happening, it’s usually just an act. They are just trying to give the impression that they can be gentle and flexible.

7 Things to Expect When a Narcissist Loses Control

When a narcissist loses control, expect a violent reaction! They will be unstable and volatile. But despite their seemingly crazy behavior, you can probably recognize some common patterns.

1. Narcissistic Rage

If you think you’ve seen your narcissistic partner angry, there’s no anger like narcissistic rage!

You’ll witness their anger in a way you’ve never experienced before, and let me warn you, it will scare you.

Narcissists are afraid of who they really are, and they spend an inordinate amount of time and energy protecting themselves from their own reality.

Narcissistic rage feeds on the idea that they are being lied to and vulnerable. They have convinced themselves that they are perfect, flawless human beings. Admitting that this is far from the truth is their worst fear.

As you may have experienced, narcissists are exceptionally calculating, and every action is carefully evaluated before it is carried out. However, when narcissistic rage takes over, they become reckless. They no longer worry about potential consequences.

Related : The Family Scapegoat: When The Scapegoat Fights Back

How narcissistic rage is expressed depends on the individual. However, the deeper the narcissistic wound, the more severe the reaction.

Most reactions will be verbal, but some narcissists may physically hurt others during this state. Here’s what narcissistic rage typically looks like:

Aggressive outbursts: Aggressive outbursts can take the form of intimidation, over-talking the victim, yelling, threatening to hurt them, throwing things, or verbal abuse.

Violent outbursts: Violence typically occurs when the narcissist’s anger reaches an uncontrollable level and they feel they have no other outlet than physical force. The violence is either toward the victim or toward themselves.

Passive-aggressive behavior: This is a more subtle but equally damaging form of anger. Passive aggression can include tactics such as withdrawing or engaging in the silent treatment. Additionally, it can include behaviors such as manipulation, highlighting someone else’s failures, procrastinating on important tasks, feeling guilty, or agreeing to do something and then later refusing to do it.

Repressive behavior: This type of behavior involves playing the victim. For example, a narcissist will act like something is wrong in order to get attention. Similarly, they may also downplay certain issues or withhold vital information from loved ones.

2. Smear Campaigns

A narcissist must protect their reputation at all costs. When they can’t control someone, their worst fear is that that person has revealed their true character. Armed with what they think they know, the narcissist will go into defensive mode and run around spreading harmful rumors.

They will contact everyone you know through social media, text messages, and emails to tell them how evil, manipulative, and abusive you are. They may even go as far as contacting your boss or coworkers to tarnish your reputation at work.

If they do something harmful to you, they will twist the situation to say that you did it to them.

Their main goal is to “get to you first.” If they suspect that you’re going to talk bad about them (or even expose their true colors), they will do anything to ruin your name first.

3. Do a Disappearance

A narcissistic supply is like a drug to a narcissist. If they can’t get it from you, they’ll get it from someone else.

When they’ve used every trick available, and they still can’t control you, expect your narcissistic partner to do a disappearance on you.

They may disappear in the hopes of getting your attention, so you beg them to come back. You can tell this is their motive if they keep popping up and disappearing. You may even hear them asking mutual friends about you.

Some narcissists truly disappear in search of a new source. In that case, you may never see them again.

A narcissist will do everything they can to get out of your life, including blocking you on all social media platforms, changing their phone number, and even changing their location.

4. The Narcissist Pursues You

Some narcissists simply refuse to accept rejection. They will ignore your feelings and act as if they don’t exist.

The narcissist will impose their will on you, which sometimes involves stalking. You may not even try to escape your narcissistic partner — perhaps you’ve chosen to exclude them from a certain area of ​​your life.

For example, let’s say they embarrassed you at a corporate party. As a result, you avoid inviting them to the next event. You don’t want to deal with public humiliation again.

But let’s say the narcissist finds out. You tell them you’re having dinner with your mom that night, and guess who comes to the table?

5. The Narcissist Will Subject You to Public Humiliation

How Does a Narcissist Respond to Rejection? First, you need to know that they will never tell you that they’re feeling rejected.

Instead, they’ll likely plan how to make a complete fool of you in public.

Whether the rejection is explicit or perceived, the narcissist will become quietly threatening and humiliating, and will do every evil deed with a smile on their face.

Your partner will desperately want to punish you for what you’ve done. The slightest disagreement or constructive criticism will lead to an all-out cold war, and you won’t even know it’s happening until you’re slapped in the face. Here’s what to expect if you’re being publicly humiliated by a narcissist: