the main points
To positively influence anyone, especially their loved ones, you cannot simply link the facts, or you will get tampering, with a hidden agenda.
To positively influence their loved ones, you must show that you are interested in what they think and feel it.
Listen with respect and tell a coherent story, based on what they already believe in, rooted in their human values and hopes.
The easiest thing in the world is to negatively affect people. Whether you are an intimate partner, a co-worker, or a social or political defender, all you need is superior behavior. It does not matter if you are right in reality; If you look like this, your influence will be negative and your efforts will be self-defeat.
To positively influence anyone, especially their loved ones, you can not simply link the facts. For one reason, most facts are open to a set of interpretations, and interpretations are subject to multiple cognitive biases. Only dependent on the facts, it will look like tampering, with a hidden agenda. To positively influence their loved ones, you must show that you are interested in what they think and feel and tell a coherent story, based on what they already believe, rooted in their human values, and their hopes.
Therapists suffer from a positive impact on people-that is, they act originally in their long-term interest. Most of us learn early in our careers that we cannot do this through facts or research results. I difficultly learned this in the 1980s, in my first year of practice with perpetrators of domestic violence. At least with them, the fact that they can go to prison was of benefit at the beginning of treatment. But the positive change did not happen until they absorbed a coherent story for a better future.
Once I set the essentials of violence and change the practice of my practice to chronic resentment, anger, and emotional assault, the need for more skill in helping customers to act in their long-term interest has become clear.
It contradicts the popular stereotypes about emotionally abusive partners such as narcissistic perceptions, and hundreds with whom they dealt with them wanted to be better partners. The key to successful therapy does not lie in putting signs on their behavior, but on the basis that stickers may be. The key to permanent improvement is to join the hidden belief usually that they want to be better partners, attract their human values, and plant hope to be better partners.
Of course, they rarely enter treatment asking how they can be better partners. These days, to save money and time, I came out directly and ask them:
Do you want to have a better relationship?
Most of them say, they usually indicate that it is a clear question. Then I ask:
How do you think you need to act to get the relationship you want more?
Most of the response is that they want to act with integrity. Webster’s definition of integrity is “in particular the firm adherence to moral or technical values.” I have never seen a happy relationship that was not moral or unhappy that was not less than my morals.
Corruption of “Integrity”
Do not use the word clients to mean the meaning of the dictionary. They do not refer to ethics but are not divided into their vanity – how they prefer to think about themselves and how they ask their partners to consider them. At the beginning of their relationships, most of them tried to influence their partners positively, through appreciation, support, and affection. But these are inconsistent with the selfish fears of the ego, which quickly assumed the relationship in the Star “meeting my needs.”
The article continues after the announcement
For a while, the partners may surrender to the demands of the ego to avoid arguments, but in the end, they defend themselves. The aggressor’s depth when their partners stop surrendering. When discontent becomes chronic, angry criticism, criticism and silent treatments turn to emotional abuse.
Holding story
The change formula should be based on what they already believe in, specifically that they are unfairly accused, who have been classified incorrectly, or unauthorized victims. Under the ego mask, they suffer.
Mention the famous words of Buddha (almost translated):
I just study two things, the truth of suffering and the end of suffering.
They should learn that they suffer and that their perceptions and vanity cause their suffering. The disposal of their most human values reduces their suffering and opens a way to achieve their hopes of better relationships. The safety of values must be resolved to the displacement of the ego’s safety.
Although the values are more modern for the sense of self, ego conflicts are usually more intense than the value of value. The ego protects us from weak feelings, such as sadness, guilt, shame, or hybrid types of shame – wrong. We cannot bear the protection from guilt, shame, and sadness; They push us to act according to the deeper values so that we feel that we are constantly authentic, which seems better than insisting that we are right. If we do not undermine the motives of weak feelings by blaming them for others, they act as correction signals to be correct for ourselves.
The partners who move the ego feel the condemnation by blocking affection, mercy, and kindness. But they feel the heat when they act on the motives of sadness and feel guilt and disgrace to become better partners.
