When relationships involving narcissists come to an end, they often don’t accept it easily, especially if they feel they are losing control or a source of admiration. Narcissists are known for using a variety of manipulative tactics to re-engage with their former partners or others they’ve lost control over. Understanding how narcissists try to get you back can help you recognize these behaviors and protect yourself from falling into their traps.
Narcissistic Supply and Why It Matters
Before diving into the specific tactics, it’s important to understand the concept of “narcissistic supply.” Narcissists thrive on admiration, attention, and validation from others. This supply fuels their fragile egos and supports their inflated sense of self-worth. When a narcissist loses their source of supply—such as when a relationship ends—they may feel a deep sense of emptiness or worthlessness. This fear of losing control, combined with the desire to restore their supply, drives many of their attempts to get you back.
Related : 5 Fears Narcissists Hide From You
Common Tactics Narcissists Use to Get You Back
- Love-Bombing One of the most common and effective strategies narcissists use to regain control is love-bombing. This involves overwhelming you with affection, compliments, and promises of change. They may apologize profusely, claim to have seen the error of their ways, and pledge to be the perfect partner from now on. Their goal is to reel you back in by making you believe that they are genuinely remorseful and that things will be different this time.However, this sudden and intense display of love is often short-lived. Once they feel they have you back under their control, the narcissist’s behavior typically reverts to its previous, more toxic form. The love-bombing phase is merely a tactic to manipulate your emotions and make you doubt your decision to leave.
- Hoovering The term “hoovering” refers to a narcissist’s attempt to “suck you back in” after a period of no contact or distance. They may use various manipulative strategies to do this, such as sending you a heartfelt message, reminding you of good memories, or feigning a crisis that makes you feel obligated to help them.Hoovering can be subtle or overt, but the underlying intention is the same: to regain control over you and reinstate themselves as a dominant force in your life. This tactic plays on your emotions, empathy, and nostalgia, making you more likely to reopen the door to the relationship.
- Playing the Victim Narcissists are masters of playing the victim, especially when they feel they are losing their grip on someone. They might try to elicit sympathy by claiming they are going through a difficult time, such as a health issue, financial struggle, or emotional breakdown. By portraying themselves as vulnerable, they hope to appeal to your empathy and sense of responsibility, making you feel guilty for leaving them during their “time of need.”This tactic is manipulative because it is often exaggerated or completely fabricated to serve their purpose. The narcissist doesn’t actually need your help; they need your attention and control, and playing the victim is just another way to get it.
- Gaslighting and Emotional Manipulation Narcissists are notorious for gaslighting—making you doubt your own perceptions and memories. In their efforts to win you back, they might rewrite history, claiming that the problems in your relationship were either your fault or didn’t happen the way you remember. They may insist that you’re overreacting or being unreasonable, making you question your decision to leave.Emotional manipulation can also take the form of guilt-tripping. Narcissists might accuse you of being cold-hearted or selfish for cutting them off, making you feel guilty for wanting to protect your own well-being. These manipulative tactics are designed to break down your boundaries and make you more susceptible to their influence.
- Promises to Change When love-bombing and hoovering don’t work, narcissists often resort to promising change. They may admit to some of their past mistakes (though usually not in a genuine or specific way) and vow to work on themselves. They might claim to start therapy, pick up self-help books, or swear to be more considerate of your feelings in the future.While these promises can sound convincing, they are often empty. Narcissists rarely have the self-awareness or genuine desire to change their behavior, because doing so would require them to confront their deep-seated insecurities and sense of inadequacy—something they are not willing to do. These promises are a form of manipulation to lure you back into the relationship.
- Triangulation Triangulation involves bringing a third party into the dynamic to create jealousy, competition, or insecurity. The narcissist may start dating someone new and flaunt this relationship on social media or in front of mutual friends to make you feel envious or regretful. Alternatively, they might talk about how their new partner treats them better, hinting that if you had just done the same, things could have worked out.Narcissists use triangulation to provoke an emotional response from you, whether it’s jealousy, insecurity, or a desire to win them back. This tactic plays on your self-worth and can make you feel as though you need to compete for their attention, even after the relationship has ended.
- Sudden Displays of Vulnerability In an unexpected twist, a narcissist may try to get you back by showing vulnerability. They might open up about their childhood trauma, insecurities, or deep fears in an attempt to elicit sympathy from you. Narcissists are rarely vulnerable in a genuine sense, but they can mimic vulnerability when it serves their purpose. This tactic is designed to pull at your heartstrings and make you feel as though you need to help them heal or stay in the relationship to support them.This tactic can be especially effective on empathetic individuals, as it taps into their natural desire to care for others. However, it’s important to recognize that this display of vulnerability is often just another manipulation to regain control.
- Using Mutual Connections Narcissists often exploit mutual friends, family members, or acquaintances to get back into your life. They may ask these individuals to pass along messages, speak on their behalf, or guilt-trip you into giving them another chance. Narcissists can be highly persuasive, convincing others that they have changed or that you are the one being unreasonable.In these situations, the narcissist is using triangulation in a more subtle form, creating a situation where you feel pressured from external sources to reconcile. Mutual connections can unknowingly become pawns in the narcissist’s game, adding to the complexity of the situation.
- Sudden Disappearances (Ghosting) In some cases, a narcissist will completely disappear from your life—seemingly out of nowhere—only to reappear weeks or months later. This is a form of ghosting designed to make you feel confused or abandoned. The goal is to create anxiety and longing, so that when they finally return, you’re more likely to accept them back because you missed them or because you want answers.By disappearing and reappearing on their terms, the narcissist controls the narrative, keeping you emotionally off-balance and more willing to engage with them when they decide to come back.
Why These Tactics Work
Narcissists are adept at exploiting emotional vulnerabilities. Many of their tactics, such as love-bombing, hoovering, and gaslighting, work because they tap into your need for love, validation, or closure. They also use fear, uncertainty, and doubt to undermine your confidence and make you question your decision to leave.
Related : Things a Narcissist Will Never Tell You About
One of the most challenging aspects of dealing with a narcissist is that they know how to appeal to your emotions, especially if the relationship involved intense highs and lows. These tactics are designed to create confusion, nostalgia, and doubt, making you more likely to re-engage.
How to Protect Yourself
If you have ended a relationship with a narcissist, it’s crucial to recognize these manipulation tactics and set firm boundaries to protect yourself from being drawn back in. Here are some steps you can take:
- No Contact: Implementing a no-contact rule is often the best way to protect yourself from a narcissist’s attempts to get you back. This means blocking them on social media, avoiding mutual friends who might relay messages, and not responding to any form of contact.
- Seek Support: Surround yourself with people who understand the dynamics of narcissistic abuse and can provide emotional support. A therapist or support group can also be invaluable in helping you navigate the challenges of dealing with a narcissist.
- Trust Your Decision: Narcissists are skilled at making you doubt your choices. Trust in your decision to leave, and remind yourself of the reasons you chose to walk away.
Conclusion
Narcissists try to get you back using a variety of manipulative tactics designed to regain control and restore their narcissistic supply. Whether through love-bombing, gaslighting, or playing the victim, their goal is not to change or improve the relationship but to reestablish dominance. By understanding these behaviors, you can protect yourself from falling back into their cycle of manipulation and maintain your emotional well-being.
