The relationship between a child and his mother is often a strong and loving one. However, when it comes to a narcissist, this bond can become strained and fraught with manipulation, control, and exploitation.
Narcissists may love their mothers, but that doesn’t mean they treat them with love or respect.
A narcissist’s mother will likely find herself entangled in a web of emotional turmoil as her narcissistic offspring navigates a complex dance of control, manipulation, and exploitation.
In this article, I’ll explore some of the behaviors you may encounter and shed some light on how they impact the relationship between a narcissist and his mother.
I hope this will deepen your understanding of the complexities involved so that you can manage the relationship with compassion and self-care in the future.
7 Ways Narcissists Treat Their Mothers
Do Narcissists Love Their Mothers? Some narcissists may have healthy, loving relationships with their mothers, but many will struggle because of their narcissistic personality traits.
Narcissists’ need for admiration and validation means they often place unrealistic demands on their mothers, while their need for control makes them manipulative.
Here, we’ll look at how narcissists treat their mothers, what motivates such behavior, and how mothers feel when they’re treated this way.
1 Emotional Abuse
Narcissistic individuals excel at emotional manipulation, even when it comes to their mothers.
They may demand financial support, constant attention, or emotional validation while offering little in return.
For example, Mark, a narcissistic adult, tells his mother that he is facing financial ruin and may end up homeless if he doesn’t get help.
He goes on at length about the vacation he paid for her to go on and how he has been constantly funding her home improvements.
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Feeling anxious and a little guilty, his mother agrees to lend him the money he needs, even though she is struggling financially. Mark responds gratefully, promising to repay the loan as soon as possible.
Several months pass, and Mark’s mother notices that his lifestyle has not changed, despite his precarious financial situation. When she confronts him about her concerns, he changes the subject.
When she confronts him, he avoids saying anything about his financial situation and instead accuses her of doubting his integrity.
He points out all the times he has helped her financially, emotionally, or otherwise, using those acts of kindness to guilt her into silence.
By doing so, Mark has successfully manipulated her emotions, causing her to question her judgment (manipulation) and forcing her to prioritize his emotional well-being over her financial stability.
Through this manipulation, Mark effectively ensures that his mother continues to support him at the expense of her own needs and boundaries.
2 Validation Seeking
Narcissists have an insatiable need for validation and admiration, and they often place unrealistic demands on their family members, especially their mothers.
They seek constant praise and may become upset or accuse their mothers of being unsupportive if their expectations are not met.
This places a heavy burden on the mother, who is expected to meet the narcissist’s constant need for attention and affirmation.
Let’s look at an example.
Emma calls her mother almost every week, telling her about her latest accomplishments and successes and expecting immediate and enthusiastic praise in return.
She needs her mother to tell her how special and admirable she is, and if Emma doesn’t respond the way she wants, she gets upset and accuses her mother of being uncaring or unsupportive.
One day, Emma demands that Sarah cancel her plans to attend a dinner in her honor, insisting that her mother’s presence is vital to her happiness and self-esteem.
Unfortunately, her mother has other commitments, but Emma insists that she cancel them in order to fulfill her motherly duties.
Emma seeks constant validation from her mother, placing unrealistic demands on her time and emotional availability.
This insatiable need for attention and affirmation creates an environment in which the mother is constantly pushing to meet her daughter’s expectations, resulting in a strained and unbalanced relationship.
3 Lack of Empathy
Narcissists have difficulty empathizing with others, including their mothers. They dismiss their mothers’ feelings and experiences, invalidating their feelings and opinions.
When a mother shares her concerns or struggles, the narcissistic child may respond with indifference or redirect the conversation back to them. This emotional neglect makes the mother feel unheard and emotionally isolated.
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For example, Jason’s mother has recently moved into foster care and is struggling to settle down.
She talks to Jason about her concerns, telling him how difficult it is for her. But instead of offering understanding or comfort, Jason dismisses her concerns.
He responds with emotionlessness, saying, “Why are you always so negative?” and “You’ve always been so sensitive.” Once he expresses his opinions, he immediately turns the conversation back to himself, showing more interest in his own problems than in trying to understand his mother’s perspective.
Jason’s response makes his mother reluctant to share her feelings with him, because she fears he will react negatively. This makes her feel unheard and emotionally neglected, which exacerbates her feelings of loneliness and isolation.
Jason is a typical narcissist who consistently ignores his mother’s feelings and needs, dismisses her emotions, and fails to provide the support and empathy she seeks.
His selfish nature prevents him from providing genuine care or engaging in meaningful emotional connection with his mother, leaving her feeling emotionally neglected.
4 Emotional manipulation
Emotional manipulation is a favorite manipulative tactic of narcissists, and they even use it with their own mothers.
They distort the truth and make their mothers question their reality.
Narcissistic children undermine their mothers’ trust by denying hurtful actions or invalidating their mothers’ feelings, creating an environment of doubt and confusion.
An old friend of mine was a practitioner of emotional manipulation, making up stories that supported her version of events but had no basis in fact.
I remember her making a hurtful comment to her mother one day, and when her mother confronted her about it, she denied saying it.
According to her, her mother was misremembering the incident, which she claimed was becoming increasingly common.
She told me that her mother began imagining things and repeatedly attacked her for imagined insults and criticisms that she never made.
My friend’s situation left her mother doubting herself and the reliability of her memory.
She began to accept her daughter’s version of events and became increasingly unwilling to express her feelings to her daughter for fear of being incorrect or labeled “crazy.”
In this scenario, my friend used emotional manipulation to manipulate her mother and distort the truth.
By denying her hurtful actions, invalidating her mother’s feelings, and shifting blame, she created a toxic dynamic where her mother’s perception of reality was undermined, leaving her trapped in a cycle of emotional manipulation.
5 Triangulation
Narcissists use triangulation to divide and conquer. By controlling how information is presented, they control the situation and use it to reinforce their feelings of superiority.
When a child uses triangulation against their mother, it can look like this:
According to her version of events, Sarah was abused as a child. Her mother constantly undermined and belittled her, which made her feel less valuable than her siblings and caused her to seek professional support later in life.
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Sarah tells her siblings exaggerated stories about how badly her mother treated her, claiming that they do not remember these events because they were too young.
Over time, Sarah continues to sow doubt in her siblings’ minds, selectively revealing private conversations and incidents that create feelings of distrust and division.
During family gatherings, Sarah makes passive-aggressive comments that fuel tension and foster conflict between her siblings and their mother.
She presents herself as the only one who knows the whole truth and encourages her siblings to use her as a mediator so they can communicate with their mother without dealing with her destructive behavior.
Through this manipulation, Sarah convinces her siblings that their mother’s version of events is unreliable so that when her mother attempts to defend herself, her efforts are immediately dismissed.
As she manipulates others’ perceptions, distorts facts, and creates conflict, Sarah successfully isolates her mother and maneuvers herself into a powerful position at the center of the family.
6 Indifference
Narcissists are so focused on themselves that they often ignore the feelings of others, including their mothers.
In the following scenario, a narcissistic son ignores his mother’s feelings and prioritizes his own needs over those of his aging mother.
Margaret is an elderly woman dealing with a number of health issues that cause her significant distress and anxiety.
She reaches out to her son Alex for comfort and support, but he responds by dismissing her concerns as trivial.
“It’s not like you’re dying, Mom,” he says. She acknowledges this but explains how she is in pain or discomfort almost constantly, to which he responds:
“It’s not a big deal in the scheme of things. I mean, I have a family to support, a vital role to play in my company, and a department that’s struggling to meet its goals.
I think I know more about pain and discomfort than you do.”
By responding in this way, Alex is minimizing Margaret’s suffering, suggesting that she is simply using the situation to gain his attention or sympathy.
He constantly prioritizes his own desires and interests over his mother’s needs, rarely making time for her, and regularly canceling plans at the last minute.
Furthermore, when his mother tries to express her feelings, Alex ignores her or changes the conversation to focus on himself.
He shows little interest in understanding her feelings or providing the emotional support she craves.
As a result, Margaret feels neglected, invisible, and emotionally isolated.
She longs for a loving, nurturing relationship with her son but is continually met with cruelty and neglect.
7 Inflated Expectations
Narcissists often compare their mothers to an idealized image they have created to support their inflated sense of self. They expect their mothers to embody the qualities that align with their grandiosity.
When their mothers fail to meet these unrealistic expectations, narcissistic individuals may express disappointment or resentment. This creates a tense dynamic where the mother feels constantly judged and criticized.
Related : The Narcissist and Intimacy (Avoidance)
Take Oliver, for example. He has an inflated sense of self-importance and sees himself as exceptional and deserving of constant attention and admiration.
He projects this idealized image onto his mother, expecting her to embody those qualities and prioritize his goals over her own.
When his mother expresses her ambitions or dreams, Oliver dismisses them as falling short of his idealized vision. He criticizes her endeavors, saying that she should strive for something more.
The more he examines his mother, the more he finds her efforts lacking.
Her failure to meet his idealized expectations frustrates him and leaves him disappointed, and he begins to resent her for not embodying the qualities he believes she should possess.
In response, his mother is left struggling to meet an unattainable standard set by the distorted ideal son.
How Do Narcissists Treat Their Aging Mothers?
Narcissists rarely make any concessions to their mothers simply because they are getting older. Whether you are nineteen or ninety, narcissists will still use you as a source of narcissism.
They don’t care that their aging mother may no longer be able to fulfill the caregiving role they once excelled at or that they may no longer have the money to support the narcissist’s selfish needs.
Narcissists will continue to use their mothers as long as they continue to be a source of narcissistic supply.
How to Protect Yourself from Narcissistic Sons and Daughters?
Now that we have examined how narcissists treat their mothers, we have a better understanding of the types of behaviors that a narcissist’s mother may have to endure.
In this section, I want to show you how to deal with this behavior, protect yourself from the consequences, and develop a deeper relationship with your narcissistic child.
The more you know about narcissism and its traits, the better you’ll understand your son or daughter’s behavior and the better equipped you’ll be to deal with it.
Recognizing the patterns and dynamics of narcissism can also help you manage the relationship more effectively.
Set Clear Boundaries
Boundaries are important in any relationship with a narcissist and help you protect your emotional and physical safety.
You might decide how much money you’ll lend your son or how many days you agree to babysit your daughter.
Whatever boundaries you decide on, make them clear to your narcissistic child, and be consistent.
Prioritize Self-Care
Focus on your health and well-being by participating in activities that make you happy, surrounding yourself with supportive friends and family, and taking care of your physical and emotional health.
This will help you maintain your self-esteem in the face of a narcissist’s dismissive behavior and give you the confidence to confront them about their behavior.
Seek Support
Seek guidance and validation from trusted friends, family members, and support groups. Sharing your experiences with others who have dealt with similar situations can help you feel less alone and provide valuable insights.
EmotionallyDetach
While you can’t necessarily change your child’s behavior, you can change the impact they have on you and your well-being.
Try to emotionally detach yourself from their manipulation and focus on your own growth by reminding yourself that their actions don’t reflect your value as a parent.
Limit Communication
If your relationship with your narcissistic child is negatively impacting your emotional health, consider limiting communication with them until you feel stronger and more confident.
This is a difficult decision and one that your child won’t welcome, but it may be necessary to protect your safety.
