How do narcissists treat their friends? The same way they treat everyone else—not well. Narcissists are unaware of their personality traits. What you’ll find is that the relationship is very one-sided, as if it’s all about them.
As much as narcissists try to act like they care about their friends, their actions make it clear that their wants and needs are all that matters to them.
If you’re reading this, you’ve probably seen some red flags and started asking yourself questions like, can narcissists have friends? or do narcissists have real friends? The answer lies in the way they treat the people in their inner circle.
Narcissists and Friendship
What is Real Friendship?
Let’s start by defining real friendship; according to experts, real friendship consists of seven pillars: empathy, trust, altruism, teamwork, humor, shared interests, and different perspectives. However, for the purposes of this article, I’ll focus on empathy, trust, and altruism.
Empathy: Empathy in friendship means that when one party discusses an issue, the other party listens, accepts what they have to say, and tries to see things from their perspective.
Trust: In order to build trust in a relationship, there must be a level of openness and vulnerability. Friends must trust that they can tell each other anything without fear of their actions ending up all over social media.
Altruism: True friends will do anything for each other, they will cancel plans, take a plane, and give their shirt off to make sure they are giving their friend the support they need.
Do Narcissists Have Friends?
Yes, but as you read from the definition of friendship, the nature of their condition does not allow narcissists to have real friends. Narcissists lack empathy, and they may sit and listen to a friend’s problems, but they quickly turn that conversation around themselves.
Even if it means lying, the narcissist will start talking about how he had a similar problem but it was much worse. The other person quickly becomes irrelevant as the narcissist shamelessly dominates the discussion with stories about his adventurous life.
Related : How Do Narcissists End Relationships? 5 Dirty Ways They Use
Narcissists hate the idea of vulnerability, and will never open up to a friend because first, they don’t understand themselves enough to do so. Second, narcissism is all about maintaining a facade, in the narcissist’s world, they don’t have problems.
There is no such thing as altruism for a narcissist, it’s all about them. Even if a friend calls and asks for a favor and they are more than capable of doing it, the response will be a quick, “No” followed by an elaborate excuse as to why.
Can Narcissists Be Good Friends?
Friendship is a two-way street of give and take; it is built on mutual trust, loyalty, and empathy. By definition, narcissists lack empathy and are rarely trustworthy or loyal, and therefore, are incapable of being true friends.
Like an addict, a narcissist has only one goal in mind—securing sources of narcissistic supply. He or she does not need to befriend others for the sake of friendship. To the narcissist, people are merely tools to be manipulated for the sole purpose of producing narcissistic supply.
The narcissistic cycle typically involves overvaluing people they refer to as friends (because they are seen as potential sources of supply), using them, devaluing them (when friends are no longer a good source of supply), and then inexplicably discarding them.
Can Narcissists Have Long-Term Friendships?
Narcissists do not have true friends. They surround themselves with acquaintances (or a group) they refer to as “friends.” Their friends come in and out of their lives frequently, throughout their lives, and often very quickly.
People may initially think they are in a friendship, but soon realize that they are in a one-way relationship whose sole purpose is to satisfy the narcissist’s need for a “dose” of supply. If the “friend” seeks a reciprocal relationship, the narcissist becomes distant and ends the relationship with a shrug.
Needless to say, this creates confusion for those who are unlucky enough to fall into a fake friendship with a narcissist. Once the narcissist considers the friendship to be coming to an end (if not sooner), they then start looking for other “friends” to become sources of supply and the cycle continues.
How do narcissists treat their friends?
A narcissistic friend sees themselves as superior and “special” compared to others. In order to maintain this superior position, they often devalue others and actively try to make them feel inferior.
The narcissist typically demands to be the center of attention and feels betrayed if their friends do not follow their lead or plans. A narcissistic friend expects you to share his views and not disagree with him.
Interestingly, a narcissist typically suffers from low self-esteem that they try to hide from the world. This manifests itself in difficulty accepting criticism, feeling embarrassed or ashamed of aspects of themselves, being easily hurt, and feeling strongly rejected. A narcissistic friend who does not display these symptoms may appear unemotional or detached.
Anyone who has had a narcissistic friend will be able to sit down for coffee and discuss the dynamics of the relationship because their experiences will be similar.
9 Signs Your Friends Are Narcissists
Here are 9 signs your friend is a narcissist to help you spot them.
- They Don’t Like Advice
When you offer advice to a narcissist, they get defensive. As far as they’re concerned, they know everything and don’t need people to tell them what to do. Another reason narcissists feel offended when you offer them advice is because they interpret it as criticism. In the narcissist’s world, they are perfect, they have no flaws, and anyone who challenges this perceived image is seen as an enemy.
- Their Behavior Is Extreme
In the same way that narcissists love to bombard their romantic partner, they will do the same with their friends. When you first became friends, all you heard was how great you were, all your ideas were brilliant and you felt on top of the world when you were with them.
Slowly, the indirect insults began, and your ideas were more likely to be disasters than successes. Your clothes no longer looked as good as they used to and your skin was terrible. However, all the insults were delivered with a hint of sarcasm so you couldn’t be sure if they were serious or not. Every now and then, your narcissistic friend will give you a compliment and you’ll feel that boost all over again.
- They’ll remind you of what they’ve done for you
If a narcissist does you a favor, you’ll hear about it for the rest of the year. They’ll announce it every chance they get, and if you dare say “no” to one of their ridiculous requests, they’ll remind you of that favor they did for you.
This is one of the personality traits of a social narcissist; It’s a type of narcissism where a person feels they have a superior ability to relate to others because of the things they do for them.
- Their Way or the Highway
Narcissists don’t know how to compromise, which means you can’t have your own opinion when you’re around them. Narcissists think they know everything, so if they give you advice and you don’t take it, there’s no rage like a narcissist would!
- You feel drained when you’re around them
As cruel as narcissists can be, they know how to have a good time. They buy their friends expensive gifts, tell exciting and amazing stories, and are always the life of every party. However, this doesn’t last, as soon as they get what they want from a friendship, they’ll turn to you.
Once they feel like they’ve given you some of their energy by being a great performer, they want a return on their investment, and if they don’t get it, so do you! To get their supply, they become extremely demanding, and being around them is no longer exciting; in fact, it’s exhausting. When you’re away from their presence, you feel drained and undermined.
- They Gossip About People Behind Their Backs
Narcissists don’t know the meaning of the word “loyalty.” If you have mutual friends, once they start gossiping with you, they’ll tell you all about it. Plus, they’re never happy for anyone when they have good news. They’ll find something to laugh about. On the other hand, when something bad happens, they’re happy about it.
- The Narcissist Is Self-Absorbed
A narcissistic friend is completely self-absorbed. Everything in their environment—everything at all—is about them.
He will endlessly talk about his personal experiences, accomplishments, (successful) investments, (perfect) family, etc. and redirect conversations to them. Narcissists brag, boast, and even put on their imaginary stage to grab the spotlight. You will always be in his shadow.
- They Have a Lack of Empathy
A narcissistic friend will demonstrate a significant lack of empathy. Lack of empathy is one of the most defining characteristics of a narcissist. He or she cannot put himself (or herself) in someone else’s shoes or understand someone else’s feelings. A narcissist did not develop this ability while growing up. Don’t expect them to develop empathy as an adult.
- They Are Manipulative
Narcissists are cold and manipulative beneath their outer warmth. They appear warm and charming at first and in public.
But once they feel secure in their ability to get support from you, they start to “forget” to call you, not show up when they said they would, and nonchalantly choose to do something else with someone else at the last minute—sometimes even not bothering to cancel plans with you. They’re incapable of genuine warmth or putting your needs first.
Are Some People Attracted to Narcissistic Friends?
Yes! According to psychologist Dr. Dana Dorfman, there are several groups of people who are attracted to narcissists, and here are some of them:
People Raised by Narcissists
An individual raised by a narcissistic parent unconsciously seeks similar relationships, whether platonic or romantic. Our emotional brains are drawn to familiarity, and this causes us to repeat patterns of behavior.
Empathetic People
Narcissists and empaths are drawn to each other because they have the ability to feel on a level that they don’t, and they are an easy source of supply.
Related : What Happens When You Reject a Narcissist?
Empaths are naturally inclined to want to heal people, and as a result, they put themselves in abusive relationships in the hopes that one day their kindness will pay off, and the narcissist will become the loving, compassionate person he or she was meant to be.
People with Low Self-Esteem
At some level, the majority of people suffer from low self-esteem. No matter how accomplished or attractive you are, we live in a society that promotes perpetual dissatisfaction, and many people fall victim to this.
However, some men and women are more susceptible to this than others, and live in a constant state of feeling down about themselves.
They settle for relationships that don’t serve them because deep down, they don’t feel they deserve better. Narcissists love people with low self-esteem because they are more likely to give in to their demands.
People-Pleasing People
People-pleasing comes from a combination of low self-esteem and a fear of rejection. People who don’t value themselves will seek validation from others and will do anything to please people in order to get it.
In addition, they fear rejection so much that they agree to a person’s every demand for fear of losing him.
How to Deal with a Narcissistic Friend?
Dealing with narcissists is notoriously difficult, and I am in no way suggesting that you end your friendship with them, especially if you feel they are worth keeping. After all, narcissists are human beings too, and even if they don’t act like it, they have feelings.
First of all, how you handle the situation will depend on how narcissistic your friend is. You see, narcissism is a spectrum disorder, which means it has levels.
At the extreme end, you may want to cut your losses and walk away, but if your friend has low to moderate Narcissistic Personality Disorder, there are strategies you can implement to ensure your friendship remains relatively healthy:
- Don’t stoop to their level
Narcissists can be very nasty at times, whether through direct insults, sly comments, or the way they treat others, you may find yourself frustrated with your narcissistic friend.
Instead of fighting fire with fire, treat them kindly at all times. You can politely tell your friend that you’re not happy with their behavior, but leave it at that.
- Set boundaries
Narcissists don’t like boundaries; they think they have the exclusive right to everyone’s time and space. If you’re going to maintain your sanity, you need to set boundaries.
You can do this discreetly by keeping your phone on “Do Not Disturb” so they can’t reach you whenever they feel like it.
- Suggest counseling
Narcissists are hurt people and their behavior is the result of deep-rooted psychological issues. Despite their confident exterior, they suffer from extremely low self-esteem.
You can’t just come out and tell your narcissistic friend that they need counseling, but you can suggest that you’re thinking about seeing a therapist and that you need emotional support. This way, you’ve planted a seed and given them something to think about. Later, they may seek professional help with or without telling you.
Final Thoughts on Narcissistic Friendships
End a Friendship with a Narcissist
If you’re tired of the way your narcissistic friend treats you, it’s time to end the friendship. Unfortunately, narcissists don’t change; in most cases, they stay that way for the rest of their lives. It’s important to remember that true friendships are built on mutual bonds of trust, empathy, and selflessness. Narcissists don’t have these personality traits, which makes it difficult for them to maintain a friendship that isn’t just about them.
Confronting a Narcissist
One of the worst things you can do is tell a narcissist that you know they’re a narcissist. They’ll literally turn on you, and you’ll experience narcissistic rage at its best. Narcissists can’t stand being exposed, and they’ll do everything they can to maintain the fake persona they’ve worked so hard to develop.
You may think it’s a good idea to get close to your friend, and that by having a heart-to-heart talk, you can save the friendship – bad idea! Narcissists don’t think or act like normal people, and what you meant as a good intention will backfire.
How to Deal with a Narcissistic Friend?
The best advice I can give you when it comes to dealing with a narcissistic friend is to keep them at arm’s length. Set boundaries and stick to them; eventually, the narcissist will walk away from the friendship because you’re no longer of any use to them.
Once you’re free, pay close attention to the personality traits of the next person you’re considering adding to your inner circle. If there are any signs of narcissistic traits, run in the opposite direction.
Do you have a narcissistic friend? Please share your stories with me in the comments below.
