The story begins with a whirlwind romance—flowers every day, a level of intimacy that makes you feel like a soulmate, and a partner who seems to worship the ground you walk on. The early stages of dating a narcissist are intoxicating, but within a few weeks or months, the mask begins to slip and your partner reveals their true self.
Emotional manipulation, arrogance, and a complete lack of empathy are the hallmarks of Narcissistic Personality Disorder, leaving you feeling trapped in a toxic relationship. Then, all of a sudden, it all stops; the narcissist doesn’t need you anymore.
How do narcissists end relationships? While the first two stages of a narcissistic relationship play out in familiar fashion, the third and final stage, detachment, is not quite so typical.
Sometimes, the narcissist drags things out, collecting every scrap of narcissistic supply they can get their hands on, but others just completely detach as if you never mattered. As with all relationships involving narcissists, it’s all about what they need.
What Does a Narcissistic Relationship Look Like?
Narcissists follow a familiar pattern in their relationships; typically, it’s a three-step process.
Initiation Phase
The narcissist is completely in love with you, and wants you and the rest of the world to know it. This is when you’ll be showered with gifts and compliments (love bombing), and often told that the narcissist has “never felt like this before.” This initial phase is what the narcissist’s partner chases for the rest of the relationship.
Devaluation Phase
When the love bombing stops, the devaluation phase begins. After a complete 180-degree turnaround from the initial phase, the devaluation phase is filled with criticism, manipulation, and withdrawal of intimacy and affection. The narcissist makes you wonder where you went wrong and why they no longer treat you the way they used to.
Disposal Phase
After a long period of devaluation, the narcissist no longer has any use for you, and they dump you as if they never loved you in the first place. It’s true that the narcissist never feels love or affection for their partner, only because of the way their partner makes them feel. Once that feeling is gone, it’s time to move on to the next potential partner.
5 Dirty Ways Narcissists End Relationships
So how do narcissists end relationships? If the narcissist is the one ending the relationship, it’s likely to be an abrupt and perhaps unexpected affair. Unfortunately, it rarely involves a mature conversation, one that will provide closure and a bitter ending.
Related : What Happens When You Reject a Narcissist?
You’re likely to experience strange events that make you question your value as a partner and your sanity.
- Find a new partner, a new source:
Many non-narcissists start relationships at the end of a relationship, but a narcissist will happily reveal this to you. Narcissists see themselves as prey and then try to make you jealous by bragging about how attractive others are to them.
Narcissists will flirt openly with others and then tell you that it never happened or that your jealousy is clouding your judgment. This type of manipulation is also a classic sign of being in a relationship with a narcissist.
- Move on to someone else, with you
This is a little different from the first option, where the narcissist flirts openly and enjoys a romantic relationship, but without the courtesy of breaking up with you. They are planting the seed of a backup relationship in case something goes wrong with you, but they are also telling you what they are capable of.
- Start a Fight to End the Relationship
Narcissists love conflict when they are in control. At the end of a relationship when they are tired, they will find the most dramatic way to end it. They often use a fight to force you to break up with them.
Since you are seen as the aggressor, they do not hesitate to retaliate against you (humiliating you in front of mutual friends, keeping your personal belongings, or collecting a bill under your name). It’s all fair game because it looks like you broke their heart.
- They Blame You:
Similar to the fight above, this version makes the narcissist look like the victim in the relationship. They will tell you how much love and effort they put into the partnership, without getting anything in return. While this is clearly untrue, narcissists are setting their victims up to wonder what they could have done wrong at every turn.
- Stalking:
For narcissists, just because you broke up doesn’t mean it’s over. Sometimes narcissists stalk their ex-partner to see how much their new life matches their life with the narcissist.
Most of the time, this behavior doesn’t lead to violence or even confrontation. The goal is to intimidate you and make you afraid to move forward with your relationship with them.
How to Tell if a Relationship is Over
Narcissists have a bad habit of returning to their previous relationships, even when it seems like they burned that bridge over a fight or an affair. This cycle of detachment and repair is referred to as “vacuuming”—once they have you, they can pull you back in at will. Narcissists vacuum to boost their ego, and they get a huge boost in self-esteem whenever they convince you to take them back.
If you leave things to narcissists, they will likely vacuum for a long time. It’s hard for them to let go of a source of supply until they have another source who is fully committed. The best option is to take action and remove the narcissist from your life.
If you don’t answer their calls and avoid them in person, they will move on to their next source of supply. It’s an uncomfortable truth to know that your ex will treat their partner the same way they treated you. But at the very least, they’re out of your life.
Breakup Styles of Vulnerable Narcissists vs. Grandiose
The grandiose style is what we usually think of when we picture a narcissist: big personality, big ego, and a never-ending supply of self-esteem. Vulnerable narcissists are more introverted, neurotic, and introspective.
A vulnerable narcissist is more likely to want you to break up with them. They’re used to feeling sorry for themselves and aren’t confrontational.
Grandiose narcissists love the spotlight and are happy to get in a good fight. They’re also more likely to flirt with potential partners in your presence.
Knowing what kind of narcissist you’re dealing with can help you understand their actions and predict where they’ll go next.
How to End a Relationship with a Narcissist?
Ending a relationship with a narcissist is the exact opposite of when they’re the one ending it.
If they see this coming, they will do everything they can to insult you, and if it’s a surprise, they will definitely lash out in anger.
There are some techniques that can help you calm down the final stage of a narcissistic relationship.
- Don’t give second chances
Narcissists will charm you or suck your heart out when you break up with them. At the end of the relationship, they want to end it on their terms and will do anything to regain your trust.
Know that it won’t last—they simply don’t like the feeling of being abandoned.
- Don’t drag it out
If you tell a narcissist that you’re thinking about leaving them, there’s a good chance they’ll do something to ensure you stay.
It may be through threats, loving gestures, or pleading, but none of this is actually honest.
- Write down their transgressions
Narcissists are masters of manipulation; they can convince you of an alternate past where everything was your fault and they were the perfect partner.
Keep a journal of everything you’ve endured and turn to it whenever you’re unsure about your feelings.
- Strengthen relationships with friends and family
Narcissists exploit the vulnerable and try to isolate their partners. This leaves the victim feeling desperate for love and validation from the abuser.
Don’t be afraid to reach out to people you’ve cut off from during the relationship.
- Don’t check in on them
Whether it’s because you’re genuinely concerned or because you want to know if they’ve moved on, checking in on your narcissistic partner is a bad idea.
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Narcissists can easily slip in and out of people’s lives, but they just need another source of fresh supply to hold on to.
To prevent yourself from falling into a relationship with a narcissist again, it is best to stay out of contact after a breakup.
How long do narcissistic relationships last?
Narcissists usually end their relationships once they get bored with their partner. They are more interested in the chase and then the conquest that comes with controlling a partner.
Once they have that, the relationship provides them with nothing, because the narcissist is completely incapable of forming an intimate relationship based on trust, love and mutual respect.
As such, you are unlikely to find a narcissist in a relationship for more than six months, and rarely more than two years.
There is always a new source of partners who will shower them with admiration without the intimacy that a long-term relationship requires.
What do narcissists want in a relationship?
You may have been in a relationship with a narcissist or are hoping to avoid one.
You may have wondered what would attract them, and make them love you even for a brief moment.
These are some of the traits that narcissists value most in their partners.
1 They want someone who is cooperative
Narcissists are nothing if not controlling. They have their own rules for life and the best partner is someone who follows them and gets out of their way.
While a narcissist expects you to be punctual for every appointment, they expect forgiveness when they are an hour late.
2 They want someone who looks up to them
They like to be reminded of their positive qualities and ignore their negative ones. The worst partner for them is someone who criticizes them.
3 They want someone who takes the blame
A narcissist will never take responsibility when they make a mistake. Therefore, they value a partner who has a conscience, corrects their mistakes, and takes the blame whenever possible.
4 They want someone who puts them first
Narcissists have no time for the wants and needs of others. The whole reason they enter a relationship is to reap the benefits of a loving partner.
If their partner has their own needs, they will label them selfish and demanding.
5 They want someone who looks to them for happiness
It is very difficult to keep a partner if they can find happiness outside of this toxic relationship.
Narcissists look for people who control them, doling out love and affection when it benefits them.
Do Narcissists End Up Alone?
Since narcissists tend to ignore or abuse their partners, it makes sense that they end up alone.
Although they are able to quickly make friends and attract new romantic partners, the narcissist’s charm wears off within a few months.
Most find that they cannot sustain a long-term friendship or relationship; they usually don’t particularly want to.
A narcissist’s friends and partners serve a purpose—providing an initial boost of narcissistic supply, but in return, these same people demand intimacy, vulnerability, and compassion that narcissists cannot provide.
Those who have been in a relationship with a narcissist should know that they will face their punishment in the form of loneliness—a feeling they do not tolerate well.
