When it comes to a boy’s personality, most of us think “like father, like son.” But as the primary caregiver in the family, a growing boy picks up quite a few traits from his mother as well.
In their formative years, boys learn some of their earliest lessons about life, love, and trust from their mothers, and having a narcissistic mother can be particularly devastating.
Sons of narcissistic mothers are more likely to suffer from low self-esteem, difficulty forming meaningful relationships, and difficulty regulating their emotions.
However, these sons are not necessarily doomed to a narcissistic life themselves.
There are treatments available and effective coping strategies for dealing with a narcissistic parent that can help these sons live more well-adjusted lives.
Why do narcissists have children?
Every narcissist is different, but one trait that almost all narcissists have in common is that they treat people as a means to an end.
Usually, this goal is to fill some kind of void in the narcissist’s self-image.
Narcissists have difficulty regulating their emotions and self-esteem and rely on an endless supply of adulation and attention from outside sources.
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Given their selfish nature, it is somewhat surprising that a narcissistic mother would choose to have children at all.
Raising children is a huge commitment and requires thousands of hours of selfless effort.
However, some narcissistic parents have children for the sole purpose of accessing an endless source of supply. And children are a built-in source of supply.
Children naturally look up to their mothers and instill positive characteristics in them.
They feel unconditional love for the woman who gave birth to and cared for them.
Unfortunately, this unconditional love does not work both ways for the narcissist. For the narcissistic mother, love is transactional and is given only when it is for her own good.
How Do Narcissistic Mothers Affect Their Children?
The parenting style of narcissistic mothers can be severely damaging; Children who suffer from years of emotional abuse are less likely to find a loving partner, maintain a healthy relationship with that partner, or be able to empathize with their children.
The damage occurs in many forms, but all are directed toward the same goal, providing the narcissistic mother with more supplies.
Here are some of the most common ways narcissistic mothers manipulate their children.
Setting Unrealistic Expectations
Narcissistic mothers see themselves as the best at everything: the prettiest, the most talented, the smartest, and most importantly, the best mother.
They have a very high opinion of themselves, which bleeds into expectations for their children.
Children of narcissistic mothers are expected to get excellent grades, be captains of their sports teams, and be part of the highest social circles.
Anything less reflects poorly on the mother and challenges her inflated self-image.
She will blame her for his lackluster performance whenever the child fails, but when he succeeds, she takes all the credit.
Playing Siblings Against Each Other
Narcissists love to make comparisons, usually favorable comparisons between themselves and those they see as inferior to them.
Narcissists also love to compare their children to each other and play them to maintain a position of power.
Narcissistic mothers are skilled at pushing the right buttons for their children to sow discontent.
When a son excels in school, a mother will point out how popular her siblings are and vice versa. Anything that might provoke jealousy among the children is fair game.
GettingLoveThroughGuilt
Narcissistic mothers are great actors when it comes to playing the victim.
Children will be reminded of what they owe their mother and the responsibilities they have towards the family.
Sometimes this can be financial, if the mother is going through a tough time, or emotional, where the mother feels guilty towards the son and showers her with praise.
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In all cases, the narcissistic mother exploits the son’s natural desire to please his mother, no matter how unreasonable it may seem.
Disappointing the Son
Even when things are going well for the son, the narcissistic mother will find a way to break his self-confidence.
If he just got a new job promotion, she will notice how the added responsibilities will cause him to neglect his family.
If he’s spending more time with his children, she will comment that he’ll never advance in his career. Every conversation will be a battle about him not doing enough or making the wrong choices.
Ignoring the Son Completely
Not all narcissists are manipulative. Some are downright neglectful. For narcissists, other people and their desires get in the way of them getting the things they want, so they ignore everyone else, including their children, until they’re gone.
Children of neglectful narcissists will always struggle to get the attention they were denied as children, which can be a path to narcissism.
Will a Son Become a Narcissist?
The short answer is: Maybe. Sons of narcissistic mothers are always trying to please them, which is an impossible task.
This constant striving has the potential to turn a son into a narcissist. When the mother is inevitably disappointed, the son will try harder and harder to receive the same level of praise and affection.
Eventually, the son will start looking for alternative sources of validation: friends, teachers, or other family members.
Each of them represents the mother but they help build the son’s ego, which is inflated to compensate for the mother’s resentment and disappointment.
It is easy to see how this cycle creates a narcissistic personality in the son, who is likely to continue the pattern of behavior with his own sons and daughters.
However, the narcissistic cycle is not inevitable. An insecure son may become easily depressed and not care about anyone else’s feelings toward him.
Narcissism involves both genetic and environmental factors, and it is difficult to determine what impact a narcissistic parent may have on their child.
What is certain, however, is that the child will grow up insecure and less able to form healthy relationships in adult life.
Children of Narcissistic Mothers and Marriage
Having a narcissistic mother can be toxic to a boy’s emotional development, and this is especially acute in how he relates to women as an adult.
These sons will never experience true, non-transactional love.
They will also find it very difficult to open up and establish emotional intimacy. Their relationships will be superficial and built on filling the emotional void left by the mother.
Narcissistic mothers are also more likely to sabotage their sons’ relationships out of jealousy and fear of losing their supply.
During the dating phase of the relationship, narcissistic mothers will point out flaws in their son’s potential partner.
A son does not want to be caught between an unapproving mother and his new partner, so he will end the relationship and suffer a series of short-term, unimportant adventures.
This is not to mention the problems of dealing with a narcissistic mother-in-law. Narcissistic relatives will try to isolate their children in order to gain power over their son or daughter-in-law.
Sometimes the child may be aware of the harm they are doing, but often they remain oblivious or feel powerless to confront the parent.
The situation becomes more complicated if there are grandchildren and the narcissistic mother can use them to humiliate her son and his partner.
Are you the son of a narcissistic mother?
This question may seem silly to anyone who has not had a narcissistic family member.
Of course you would know if you had a narcissistic mother! But this is not always true.
Children of narcissistic parents grow up in a distorted reality, and since we only have one set of parents.
It’s not easy to know what’s normal and what’s not. Here are some of the biggest warning signs that your mom is a narcissist.
She’s an Emotional Roller Coaster
One moment you’re the greatest son in the world and the next you can’t do anything right.
A narcissistic mother’s feelings for you depend on whether she’s receiving the admiration, praise, and respect she so desperately needs.
You’re blessed as long as you’re supportive, but you’re not serving a purpose once you stop supporting her or actively challenge her.
She’s Always Manipulating You
Do you feel like every word she says is designed to make you act or feel a certain way?
Parents are supposed to love their children unconditionally, which is why treating a mother as a means to an end is emotionally disturbing.
This manipulation often takes the form of emotional manipulation, where the mother presents a version of reality that strays far from the truth.
She destroys your self-esteem
Your mother is supposed to be your biggest fan and cheerleader, but she is your biggest critic for children of narcissistic mothers.
Narcissistic mothers often shame their victims to raise their self-esteem. Everything is a competition for them, and they can only raise themselves by putting their son down.
She loves to brag
Narcissistic mothers have an innate need to show everyone how special and successful they are.
Sometimes this takes the form of lavish displays of wealth, other times it is an obsession with physical appearance.
This is particularly evident on social media where technology encourages users to advertise their prosperity for more likes, which can be particularly embarrassing for their children.
She feels a complete lack of empathy from her
Narcissists are unable to understand that others have hopes, desires and feelings separate from their own.
This is clearly a problem in parenting as children need to feel loved and understood.
Children of narcissistic mothers develop defense mechanisms to protect their emotions, which often take the form of violent attacks. Others withdraw, bottle up their emotions and isolate themselves from human contact.
Narcissistic Mothers and Their Children: How Do They Cope?
Narcissists are typically unwilling to change their ways unless they see it as beneficial for them.
If you are the child of a narcissistic mother, the most important thing you can do for yourself is to acknowledge that you are not the problem.
From there, you can work on identifying some of your mother’s narcissistic behaviors and how they affected you.
UnderstandingNarcissism
Learning about narcissism and how it manifested in your mother will help you gain insight into your relationship with her in childhood and adulthood.
Understanding how her need for supply led her to manipulate or attack you can boost your feelings of self-esteem while facilitating smoother interactions with her in the present.
FeelYourFeelingsAndLetThemGo
Thinking about abuse can certainly bring up some feelings of anger, and there’s nothing wrong with that.
However, as the old Buddhist proverb goes, “Holding on to anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.” Long-term anger won’t hurt your narcissistic mother, but it will certainly eat away at you.
Don’tLookBack
You can’t change the past, and narcissistic mothers inflict some serious wounds, but the best you can do is heal and move on.
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You can try to forgive her for some things, and recognize that she’s hurt herself, but don’t feel obligated to do so. Healing happens at your own pace and shouldn’t be rushed.
FinalThoughts on How Narcissistic Mothers Affect Their Children?
Growing up with a narcissistic mother is never easy; a son will likely have some scars, but that doesn’t mean he’ll have a miserable life.
Children are not responsible for their narcissistic parents, even when they’re older.
Narcissistic mothers abuse their children because they lack a strong identity and rely on the praise of strangers.
Recognizing what is and isn’t narcissistic abuse can go a long way in healing childhood wounds and helping to build a successful relationship with a narcissistic mother.
Setting boundaries is key, as is taking a step back to gain some emotional detachment from the situation.
