First thing’s first – no answer will ever justify the narcissist’s behavior, however, it is always interesting to help you understand the patterns of their behavior and where the narcissist created their destructive tools.

Knowing how narcissists are made is intended for you to see where they learned how to be so heartless, and to treat others with such contempt. 

Being mistreated by a narcissist often leads the people who fall victim to learn the background and history – but where does the fault lie?

Interestingly, it started way before they met you, so as a head’s up – you are not the cause of their problems – you’re simply the latest prey.

NarcissistChildhood

What happened to narcissists as they developed from the day they were born?

It is strongly suggested that narcissistic personality patterns are the result of childhood exposure to narcissism, or experiencing adversity from an early age.

I want to stop here, because it is important to understand that not everyone who is exposed to these things will turn out to be the other extreme with narcissistic characteristics, but this is where and how narcissism is created – because it seems to be passed down.

Related : The Insults You Hear in a Narcissistic Relationship

If you think about it – were the narcissists in your life born from the same slice of bread? Think about their family dynamics for a moment, and ask yourself where the patterns are.

How is Narcissism Formed?

Neglect is the first thing to consider when you start to see how narcissists are made. With needs not being met and caregivers failing to meet their children’s needs – the child will soon start looking for other ways to gain validation and self-esteem – and this usually ends up through stealing from other people (as narcissists do so well).

Inconsistency is another way that narcissism can be formed in childhood. One day your parent or caregiver loves you more than anything, and the next they ignore you as if you don’t exist.

Soon after – you crave attention – and as you get older, you become more dependent on any attention, realizing that you can manipulate people into giving it to you.

Abuse affects people in many ways, but in narcissism it manifests itself through extreme unfairness, where people want to spend the rest of their lives wanting to make people feel as miserable or unloved as they did. This isn’t necessarily a conscious choice, but it’s all they know, and all they live by as narcissists.

Attachment

Wouldn’t it be great if we all had the gold standard secure attachment as children? This is what happens when emotionally and mentally stable and healthy people provide for their children, raising them in a safe and loving environment.

Consistent and available caregivers teach and encourage emotional regulation.

When this doesn’t happen, anxious and avoidant attachment patterns occur and people never feel secure.

Are you in or out?

There is no ability to get along, and that is where the challenges begin.

Not all people raised this way will grow up to develop narcissistic traits, but most will find it difficult to set boundaries or distance themselves from those raised in this type of household.

This is not a path you would definitely take with a history of insecure attachment, but this is where we see and understand that many narcissists descend.

Temperament

Temperament is thought to be genetic, and it looks at how a child is as a child.

Are they easy to calm down?

Do they seem more agitated or irritable?

Do they seek more attention?

A child with a more challenging temperament may look to continue these traits into adolescence and adulthood.

Think about all the difficult people you have known, or know now. Do people like them? Were they popular at school, or seen as a nuisance? These struggles with others are constantly invalidated by everyone they meet.

Temperament affects a child’s childhood, so it is likely that narcissists as adults had difficulty dealing with their tendencies as children.

Over-indulgence or under-indulgence?

Narcissists were once spoiled children with all the things that don’t really matter in the long run.

Money, clothes, fancy vacations, the latest tech gadgets or phones—none of these things enhance or improve their emotional worlds. In fact, they can diminish the quality of their already-lacking emotional worlds, leaving them severely lacking in that area.

Imagine eating food that’s always bad for you. You won’t necessarily feel hungry, but you won’t feel nourished either.

A child who grows up to be a narcissist has their material needs met, but their emotional needs are completely destroyed. They aren’t even taught how to nurture their emotions, and instead are shamed.

Self-regulation through modeling

A child in a healthy home will model their regulation on their caregiver or parent.

Emotions will be present, but in ways that allow for reflection and growth.

Children imitate what they see, and if all they see is anger, feelings of entitlement, yelling at people for no reason, or demanding behavior, they will assume that’s what people do to get what they want. They assume that to get their point across, they have to be rude and raise their voices.

We all know this isn’t true – but in a child, they may mirror this, accompanied by poor boundaries.

ExpressingEmotions Doesn’t Matter

Children who may be narcissistic will never have their problems acknowledged. In fact – it’s common for an unhealthy parent to see their child’s anxiety or unhappiness, and make it about them instead.

Mom, I feel so sad.

Oh no. That makes me feel sad, because when there’s something wrong with you, it means there’s something wrong with me.

No… it doesn’t have to be that way. Children need to be heard and have their own feelings in their own space, so that those feelings can be validated.

Related : Did You Know This is Gaslighting?

Narcissists are unlikely to have this opportunity growing up, so they can project it onto the partners they find.

I had a bad day.

Did you have a bad day? I can guarantee my day was worse!

And so on.

Emotions aren’t the problem, but they can seem like a child, and bringing that into adulthood can turn a person into someone who is unwilling to see how their emotions affect others, and who has no understanding of how others feel.

I love you if…

There shouldn’t be an “if or but” when a parent says they love you. There shouldn’t be conditional love, and any child who only feels loved when they do something their parents approve of or love will be taught that love isn’t something you should feel or show all the time.

If you take that into adult relationships, you’ll find yourself in a situation built on abuse and manipulation, ticking many of the boxes for narcissistic traits.

Narcissists are taught to see love as something you need to get from them, rather than something that is given to you for free, and this is learned through how they were raised as children.