Key Points
Children are “programmed” to protect their attachment relationships.
A narcissistic parent who plays the victim automatically puts the other parent in the position of “the bad guy.”
A narcissistic parent controls a child by giving them love when the child does what they want.
A narcissistic parent often influences a child in two powerful ways. These maneuvers exploit a child’s basic need to protect their attachment relationships and are difficult to undo once they are implemented. Understanding how these dynamics affect a child can be pivotal in helping a child who has fallen under the “spell” of a narcissistic parent.
A healthy child enters the world neurologically, psychologically, and emotionally “programmed” to attach to primary attachment figures. Even before birth, the child can recognize the voice of the primary caregiver. By 6 weeks of age, the infant can smile at caregivers, and by 3 months of age, the infant can recognize the face, smell, and voice of the attachment figure. Cooing, crying, holding, smiling, and babbling are examples of an infant’s attempt to attract attachment figures and strengthen the bond.
Assuming that the caregiver’s response is consistently empathetic, the infant may develop a secure attachment style. If a parent routinely fails to meet the infant’s biological and emotional needs (providing soothing and comfort in times of distress), the young child may develop an insecure attachment style. However, the worst-case scenario occurs when the infant’s physiological and emotional needs are repeatedly neglected for extended periods. In response, the infant may adopt an avoidant attachment style. This often results in the infant’s continued and persistent withdrawal from the attachment figure.
If an infant has either a secure or insecure attachment style, they may progress through childhood with a strong instinct to protect their attachment figures, as well as the bond they share. This is often exploited by a narcissistic parent.
First, a narcissistic parent often portrays themselves as the victim of a divorce. For example, a child might say, “I never wanted this. I’m broken. I’ll never be the same. I’ll never be able to survive this. All I want is to love your mother. I’m all alone.” These feelings allow the narcissistic parent to position themselves as the victim in the scenario while simultaneously positioning the other parent as the one who is “hurting,” “abusing,” and “abusing.” In a split second, the child’s perception of the healthy parent changes. Because the child tends to protect the attachment figure and the attachment bond, the child might rush to help the “weak” parent.
Ironically, the narcissistic parent doesn’t need to say anything derogatory about the other parent to successfully position themselves as the “bad guy” in the child’s eyes. By portraying themselves as the injured party, the narcissist automatically positions the other parent as the opponent and takes the opportunity to invite the child to care for them. In many cases, the child immediately seeks the narcissistic parent’s help and then feels responsible for that parent’s emotional well-being. When they are persuaded to turn away from the healthy parent and are convinced that they are the narcissistic parent’s “lifesaver,” they fall into a trap.
In the process, the child is often tricked into believing that healthy love is bad and unhealthy love is good. This type of relationship, or attachment model, can also trick the child into adulthood.
The second way a narcissistic parent manipulates a child is to gain emotional control over the child. An emotionally abusive parent showers the child with love and affection when the child does what they want. But when a child offers a feeling or perspective that the narcissistic parent does not like, the child feels ashamed of the child and immediately withdraws love. The child experiences emotional abandonment, albeit temporary, and is traumatized. To avoid this emotional destruction in the future, the child complies with the narcissistic parent’s requests.
For example, a child spends time with a narcissistic parent and admits that he or she misses the other parent. Instead of offering empathy and allowing the child to connect with the parent, the narcissist may feel ashamed of the child and withdraw love. The child quickly learns that to avoid the pain of emotional abandonment, he or she must ignore his or her own needs and feelings and do what the narcissistic parent wants.
In addition, the child instinctively knows that the healthy parent provides unconditional love. The child intuitively feels that his or her attachment to the healthy parent is secure and will never go away. Or, conversely, the child is acutely aware that the attachment bond to the narcissistic parent is constantly at risk. If he or she succeeds in doing and saying what the narcissistic parent wants, he or she receives love. If it doesn’t work, she is emotionally abandoned. Avoiding the pain of emotional abandonment may become the child’s goal. Because one attachment relationship is secure while the other is constantly at risk, the child may feel compelled to care for the elusive love, or she may disappear.
Although these manipulations are obvious to a healthy parent, the child may not be able to decipher them. Pointing out the narcissistic parent as a manipulator may not help because the child has already been convinced that the secure parent “has something to do” with the co-parent.
For example, two people are fighting over a doll. One person has been pulling on the doll’s arm for a long time and has succeeded in ripping the doll away from their side. If the other person starts pulling on the opposite doll’s arm, the doll may be torn apart. Although a child should never be compared to an object, the analogy may help the parent understand why trying to get the child on their side, safe from the narcissist, has failed.
It may be best to empathize with the child’s feelings when she opens up about her inner struggle, without directly “calling out” the narcissistic parent. If she realizes that she can talk about her feelings without drama ensuing, she may be more inclined to seek help more consistently. For example, say, “It hurts to feel like you can’t say what you feel in a relationship. I get that, honey.” Or, “Guilt is terrible. I get it. It’s hard to deal with people who make you feel guilty for not doing what they want. I get it.” Or, “It’s scary to feel like you’ve lost someone’s approval. I would feel the same way.” Even though it may seem like the narcissistic parent has won, you should stay in the fight without throwing a punch. Be there for the child and empathize with whatever he or she is feeling. Acknowledging his or her feelings and refraining from attacking the narcissist may help the child realize that the parent is not pulling his or her arm. Discussing the manipulative dynamics instead of the manipulative parent can keep the conversation safe for both parent and child.
