We often hear the term “narcissist,” but in reality, what does it mean? Is it just a description of someone who likes to be the center of attention or likes his or her appearance, or is there more to it than that?

The psychiatric literature defines narcissists as having specific traits such as a sense of entitlement or a need for excessive admiration, to name a few. But what do narcissistic individuals love on a day-to-day level?

How a narcissist thinks:

Related: 7 Things Only Narcissists Will Do (Because They’re The Worst)

Anyone who has lived with or worked with a narcissist will tell you how a narcissist thinks: Narcissists view themselves very differently — that is, preferentially — compared to others, making those around them less valuable. And therein lies the problem: everything has to revolve around the narcissist.

We don’t mind a 2-year-old needing constant attention. This is appropriate for the developmental stage of a two-year-old child. But we don’t mind when a 40-year-old needs that level of appreciation – and achieving it comes at our expense.

Narcissists victimize those around them simply by being themselves, and they will not change. This statement may seem extreme until you listen to the stories of those who have been victimized by a narcissist. Then you realize how toxic these individuals are.

Work for a narcissistic boss and I can guarantee he will make you physically or mentally ill. Live with someone and I fear for you. I can say this because while researching my book Dangerous Personalities, I spoke to dozens of individuals who had fallen victim to Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

While doing research, in talking to victims and listening to story after story of stolen childhoods, ruined marriages, and exhausting relationships, I heard the same tragic statement: Narcissists see themselves as so special that they don’t matter to anyone else. no one. Over time, the behavior resulting from their specific pathological traits will lay waste to a wide field of human suffering.

But don’t take it from me. Listen to the victims. Here’s what I’ve learned about how a narcissist thinks and the lessons no medical book can teach you. These are lessons for all of us.

1. I love myself and I know you do too; In fact, everyone does it – I can’t imagine anyone who doesn’t.
2. You don’t need to apologize. However, you must understand, accept and tolerate me no matter what I do or say.
3. I have few equals in this world, and so far, I have yet to meet one. I am the best (manager, entrepreneur, lover, student, etc.).
4. Most people don’t measure up. Without me to lead, others will flounder.
5. I appreciate that there are rules and obligations, but they mostly apply to you because I don’t have the time or inclination to abide by them. Plus, the rules are for the average person, and I’m way above average.
6. I hope you appreciate everything I am and everything I have achieved for you, because I am amazing and flawless.
7. I wish we were equal, but we are not and never will be. I will unapologetically remind you that I am the smartest person in the room and how successful I am in school, at work, as a parent, etc., and you should be grateful.
8. I may appear arrogant and arrogant, and this is normal for me. I just don’t want to be like you.
9. I expect you to be loyal to me at all times, no matter what I do; However, do not expect me to be loyal to you in any way.
10. I will criticize you and expect you to accept it, but if you criticize me, especially in public, I will come at you angrily. One more thing: I will never forget or forgive, and I will pay you back one way or another because I am a “wound collector.”
11. I expect you to be interested in what I have achieved and in what I have to say. I, on the other hand, am not at all interested in you or what you have achieved, so don’t expect much curiosity or interest in your life from me. I just do not care.

Related: If The Man You Love Does These 13 Things, You May Be In A Toxic Relationship With A ‘Grandiose Narcissist’

12. I’m not manipulative; I just like to do things my way, no matter how annoying it is to others or how it makes them feel. I don’t really care what other people feel; Feelings are for the weak.
13. I expect gratitude at all times, even for the smallest things I do. As for you, I expect you to do as I ask.
14. I only deal with the best people, and frankly, most of your friends aren’t up to par.
15. If you did what I say and obeyed him, things would be better.

You see, it’s not easy to live or work with someone who thinks and acts this way. The experience of these victims also teaches us the following, and if you remember nothing else from this article, please remember this: Narcissists overvalue themselves and undervalue others, meaning you. You will never be treated equally, you will never be respected, and over time your value will be devalued out of necessity so that they can overvalue themselves.

Tolerance with narcissistic personality

Knowing narcissistic personality traits and how narcissists view themselves is helpful, but it is also helpful to know what will happen to you if you continue to associate with them. I say this knowing full well that in many cases, children, the elderly or the infirm may not have a choice. In those cases, it is up to all of us as friends, relatives, teachers, coaches, colleagues, and co-workers to help the best we can.

Also, there are those who, for financial reasons, circumstances or because they are in a complicated relationship or marriage, will choose to stick it out. I tell them to be careful: you will be a victim and you will pay the price, physically, psychologically, or even financially.

I say this from my experience and from my conversations with many victims whose stories still weigh heavy on my heart. If you choose to live with or work with a narcissist, be prepared to accept the following:

1. Accept that you are not equal because narcissists feel that they have no equal.
2. The feelings of insecurity, dread, disbelief, or ambivalence you are feeling are real and will persist.
3. Because narcissists overvalue themselves, your value will decrease over time and all the time thereafter.

You will, in essence, become a chew toy for the narcissist. Pack yourself to deteriorate frequently.

4. You will be talked to and treated in ways you never imagined, and you will be expected to tolerate them.
5. The narcissist’s needs, wants, and desires come first above all else, no matter how uncomfortable they may be for you.
6. Be prepared for them to turn on you with reptilian indifference at any moment…

As if any positive interactions in the past didn’t matter. You will question your sanity when he turns on you, but that is your reality when you are dealing with a narcissist.

7. When narcissists are nice, they can be very nice; But if you still feel insecure, it’s because it’s a performance and not a real feeling.

Kindness is a tool for social survival, a way to get what they want, like needing a hammer to hang up a picture.

8. You will obsess over the narcissist’s kindness, like a poodle’s kindness, because it doesn’t come around very often, but to the narcissist kindness is routine; Just expediency.
9. Be prepared when the narcissist explodes not angrily, but angrily.

it’s scary! You will feel attacked and your sense of dignity will be violated.

10. Morality, ethics and kindness are just words.

Narcissists master these things for their practicality, not for their convenience.

Related: 7 Devastating Ways Narcissists Retaliate Through Their Own Children

11. Narcissists lie without caring about the truth because lying is useful for controlling and manipulating others.

When you catch them lying, they will say that you are the one lying or making a mistake, or that you misunderstood. Prepare to attack and receive counterclaims.

12. If they seem like they can only speak for themselves, even at the weirdest times, it’s not your imagination.

Narcissists can only talk about what they value most: themselves. This is their empty nature.

13. Narcissists will associate with individuals you don’t trust to park your car because they attract those who see narcissism as something valuable.