What makes a narcissist scratch their head and wonder what just happened? A narcissist can derail someone in minutes, due to their own issues. To say that this confuses you, shocks you, or throws you off-guard is an understatement. But why does it happen? What makes this personality so destructive to people in relationships?
The common understanding of a narcissist is that of someone who is boastful and arrogant, or all about themselves. But it is a deeper, more complex psychological issue. The narcissist is often unable to see the impact of their behavior because they are so out of touch with their own feelings.
The cornerstone of the personality is a lack of empathy—the inability to tune into the emotional world of others. When bad things happen, others are blamed; narcissists do not take responsibility for their behavior. When they have bad feelings, they project those feelings onto others. Deep down, narcissists may be self-loathing, with a very fragile ego. Their sense of self is missing or underdeveloped. They have a need to be right and to win at all costs, and since their survival depends on it, they won’t give up until they’ve torn others down to make themselves feel bigger or superior. Attempts to reason with them are usually a lost cause. You’re likely to be blamed for making them feel bad, and they can be vindictive and never get over their feelings of hurt.
One of the dangerous things that happens when you’re in a relationship with a narcissist is that their ability to diminish your self-esteem can lead to self-doubt. People who get out of relationships with narcissists often feel like they’re not good enough. They suffer from debilitating self-doubt because they’ve been told for so long that they’re somehow wrong. As an anonymous reader recently wrote to me:
“One of my favorite examples: My ex-husband didn’t pay his electric bill. He came home angry because my kids and I used candles. I showed him the overdue bill and he shouted, ‘I paid this bill, are you going to believe your eyes or me?’” While we were standing there in the dark.”
You may wonder how this could happen—and that’s part of the problem. It’s important to understand and embrace the narcissist’s work or you’ll be left confused and bewildered. One must see the character for what they are. But when you love someone, this can be difficult. It could be your parent, your partner, a boss you respect, or even someone in your larger social circle who you once admired.
Why do we fall for narcissists? First, they typically present themselves in a grand, confident, and charming way. When you first meet them, you may be overwhelmed by their charm and accomplishments. It’s a narcissist’s way of trying to win you over. They may do this with gifts, charming words, admiration, and compliments that you desperately want to believe. But if it sounds too good to be true, it probably is.
A client recently told me that she was dating a man, and after a couple of months, he talked about buying a ring, moving in together, having kids, and planning a life together. She wanted to believe that this was a love-at-first-sight scenario. That’s understandable, but it can also be dangerous. This man, despite his success and charm, ended up abusing her physically and emotionally, within months of claiming that she was the love of his life.
It’s important to carefully evaluate who we allow into our personal space. We need to look beyond what looks good on paper, and instead focus on character traits and value systems. When you’re thinking about getting involved with someone new, you might want to ask yourself the following questions:
How does this person treat others?
How does he or she act in public?
How does he or she treat his or her children?
Does he or she show kindness and compassion toward others?
Does he or she judge or criticize others?
Does he or she tolerate differences in culture, race, religion, or gender?
Does he or she accept and tolerate other people’s opinions and values?
Does he or she always have to be right or win?
Another crucial test when getting involved with someone new is to ask yourself, “How do I feel around this person?” You should keep asking yourself this question, especially when you’re vulnerable or sharing your feelings, problems, or personal issues with them.
Over the years of treating and evaluating victims of narcissism, one recurring theme is the deep shame people feel when they realize they have been deceived. But anyone can be deceived by a narcissist. If you are a kind, loving, sensitive person who knows how to love, you can be deceived too. It is truly difficult to come to terms with the fact that some people are incapable of love and empathy. As you can imagine, or perhaps know from your own experience, this is especially difficult if the narcissist is your parent, partner, friend, or someone you love and respect deeply.
Remember: Narcissism is a spectrum disorder. We all have some level of narcissistic traits. But the more traits, the more problems an individual presents, and the more damage they can cause in a relationship. The emotional damage, including PTSD, depression, anxiety, body image issues, addiction, and other concerns, cannot be underestimated.
Since any of us can be deceived by a narcissist, it is important to be aware of the people in our world, our culture, and our families. Don’t be hard on yourself just because you know how to love: it’s a gift. But becoming more aware of narcissism can save you from devastating and crippling consequences.
