It’s been a year since I ended my relationship with a narcissist.

I’m out of the relationship now, but my heart hasn’t healed.

I can go days without thinking about it. I still vividly remember when it seemed impossible to go a minute without thinking about it.

For the first few weeks, I had to train myself not to think about him or his betrayal for five minutes, then ten minutes, then an hour at a time.

It took a long time to get to that point and it took a toll on my soul. I remember that time as a traumatic event in my life that I’m still recovering from.

The term “soul damage” comes to mind over and over again when I think about it.

One blogger (Phoenix Rising, 2013) wrote that years later, but still in pain, she realized

that the experience made her realize things within herself that she had lost because of her relationship with a narcissist.

She counted all the things she had before their relationship.

After two and a half years, some of these things have been partially recovered and some are still working on.

Some of them felt like they were gone forever and she didn’t know how to get them back.

Related : 14 Ways of Narcissistic Abuse – The Narcissist Brainwashing his Victims

When I read the list, I realized I could have written that list and it broke my heart all over again:

Things I lost when I was dating a narcissist

• Self-esteem
• Faith in life
• Direction
• Hope for the future
• Faith in love
• Faith in my worth
• Faith in my dreams
• Faith in my intuition
• Faith in myself
• The ability to trust intimately
• Sense of worth
• Beauty
• Youth
• Health and fitness
• Sense of personal power
• Faith in my specialness
• Faith in my sexuality
• Faith in following my heart
• Sobriety
• Peace of mind.
• Belief in a soulmate
• The magical feeling that my life is complete
• Belief in sexual partnership/union between two people as important
• Sense of self
• Feeling of magic and wonder in the world
• Feeling that my feet are firmly planted on the ground
• Belief in myself to make the right decisions

Things I Ask Myself After Dating a Narcissist

I still don’t quite get it. Intellectually, I get it (now that I’ve read so much about narcissism), but my heart and soul are broken and still don’t get it.

I mean, why would a man fall madly in love with me and shower me with affection and attention—and then suddenly—without warning or reason—turn into an ice cold, pushy, silent, ignoring person?

How could he go from being Prince Charming in public to being a mean, evil, cold, silent person in private?

He always said I was the only woman he’d ever wanted or wanted; he said we were soulmates.

When I first met him, it was amazing. He was charming, charming, and sexy.

He was too good to be true (a major warning sign I hadn’t paid attention to). Our life and relationship couldn’t have been more perfect.

As he showed more and more of this other side in private, I tried desperately to get him to open up and tell me what was wrong.

See also Do Narcissists Like to Hug?

Was it me? What did I do to deserve this behavior? The more I questioned him and the closer I got to him, the more he pushed me away and became colder.

He started blaming me for everything that went wrong in his life—even the things he did.

Then the real abuse started; he belittled me, criticized me, and condemned everything I did, but he also started getting physically aggressive with me. He never apologized; he said I made him act this way.

It was my fault. It was always my fault. I was walking on eggshells, never knowing when I would be blamed and when or why he would get angry.

I couldn’t take it anymore and finally got the courage to leave him. After weeks of painful silence, he finally called me.

Related : 9 Signs You Are Dating A Narcissist

He acted like nothing had happened and pretended that nothing had ever happened. He was back to his old self: sweet, loving, and caring. He begged me to come back, and I did.

Everything was back to normal again. The sex was out of this world. He made me feel special, loved, and cherished again; he put me on a pedestal and said no other woman could compare to me.

Then it started happening again. He was cold and aloof. He was mean. He played the silent card and showed no interest in my life or being in it.

He told me he needed space and seriously questioned whether we were right for each other.

I found out he had reconnected with the woman he was seeing when she left him… or had he stopped seeing her?

I was confused, depressed, sad and hurt. I left.

The cycle repeated itself – over and over.

HowItEnds

I finally realized he was never going to change. I was physically and emotionally drained.

I was tired of all the abuse, tired of the constant state of confusion, tired of the constant depression and finally-

I was tired of all the questioning and questioning about myself over and over again. I wanted to be the old me.

Eventually, I accepted that he couldn’t love me or anyone else but himself.

I needed to change if I didn’t want to spend the rest of my life in an abusive relationship.

I needed to get away from him and the toxic relationship. I packed my bag and put my broken heart inside.

“Remember – you win this game by accepting defeat. In this competition, the only way to lose is to keep playing.