How do mothers with narcissistic traits treat their daughters? We list these behaviors and explain their long-lasting effects.

Did your mother always see you as a threat, gaslight you, or treat you as an extension of herself while she was growing up? If so, she may have narcissistic tendencies.

For girls whose mothers behaved this way, the consequences can be long-term.

Understanding the relationship between mothers with narcissistic traits and their daughters — and your relationship with your mother — can provide deeper healing in adulthood.

Characteristics of narcissistic behaviors of mothers

Although narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is a rare mental health condition, growing up with a parent who behaves in narcissistic ways is more common than you might think.

Mothers with narcissistic tendencies tend to express certain traits. According to board-certified adult and child psychiatrist Dr. Leah Lees in New York, the most common traits include:

Lack of empathy
Self-centeredness
Verbal aggression

• Lack of knowledge about how their behaviors affect others
  They tend to treat their daughters in similar ways as well. Australia-based counselor Shagun Maurya suggests that mothers with narcissistic tendencies may:

shame on you
She is jealous of you
Compare it with your siblings and peers
She treats you as an extension of herself
She becomes angry at any potential threat to her superiority
Gaslighting, invalidation, or guilt
Violating or pushing your boundaries
Play favorites between you and your siblings
Expect credit and praise for your upbringing
Regularly changes the topic of discussion towards herself
She puts you down to help herself feel better

No matter how your mother behaves towards you, know that you do not deserve this harsh treatment (even if she told you so).

The effects of having a mother with narcissistic traits

Mothers with narcissistic tendencies can leave long-term effects on their daughters. But learning how your mother’s behaviors affected you as a child and now as an adult can lead you toward finding relief.

Here are some distinctive effects:

Belief in love is conditional

According to Moriya, this belief stems from having a mother who only provides love and approval if you do what you want.

“This leads to emotional fluctuations or ‘splitting,’” adds Lees. “Split-ness makes a person see everything and everyone in black and white. [It] can cause someone to accept both good and evil, and only gives love conditionally.

She points out that this can lead to future relationship failure or low self-esteem.

Believing that you must adhere to the rules of belonging
Similar to the effects of conditional love, “When your parent only loves you according to a certain set of models and loves intensely, it’s easy to think you have to adhere to certain rules, even if it sacrifices your own needs,” Leese explains.

Try to remember that you don’t have to abide by rules or situations that might be uncomfortable. You can find a healthy sense of belonging by connecting with people who respect your boundaries instead.

Feeling valued for how you are perceived (not who you are)
Liz says that a mother with narcissistic tendencies is usually overly concerned with her daughter’s appearance and achievements and how that reflects on her.

As a result, the daughter does not learn to be her true self. She may develop the idea that she only values what she can give to others and act this way in future relationships.

Accepting verbal abuse and manipulation in relationships
“If [your mother] is emotionally abusive and the only way you can achieve love and acceptance is to live up to her standards, you may be able to live up to your own needs to make her happy,” Liz says.

Because abuse and manipulation may have been normal while you were growing up, you may accept these behaviors in your adult relationships as well. But try to remember that abusive tendencies are never part of healthy partnerships.

Blame yourself regularly

If your mother blamed you for your problems as a child, it’s normal to feel like everything is your fault as an adult, too. (Friendly reminder: it’s not.)

“Constantly blaming yourself for everything eventually develops a pattern within you where you also start blaming yourself for everything that is wrong,” says Maurya.

She adds that this can lead to an unstable sense of identity or self-esteem as you begin to believe that you are not good enough for anything or anyone.

Becoming a people pleaser

You may have developed people-pleasing tendencies by constantly striving to meet the needs of your mother with narcissistic traits as a child.

“This ultimately translates into becoming someone who always wants to meet other people’s needs, even if you don’t owe them anything,” says Moriah.

You may also neglect your own needs in relationships or view yourself as a burden to others. Although you may feel inconvenienced, know that you deserve support and care – from yourself and from others.

Avoid or pursue the love you lacked while growing up

The neglect, abuse, or emotional absence that may accompany having a mother with narcissistic tendencies can make you question whether or not you’re safe with other people, Moriah says. This ultimately affects how you approach love and relating to others throughout your life.

“Insecure attachments tend to take the form of either avoidant attachment (e.g., managing your fears by keeping people out of your life) or anxious attachment (e.g., chasing love and pursuing the connection you crave),” Maurya says.

Desire for constant verification

According to Moriah, feeling unworthy towards your mother may lead to a need for regular validation in your relationships.

“When you find someone who wants to be with you, you may find yourself constantly asking them for validation and reassurance about whether they really want you or whether you’re enough for them,” she says.

Showing narcissistic tendencies
You may also pick up on your mother’s narcissistic tendencies – consciously or unconsciously.

“You’ll probably try to outmaneuver your mother by joining her, ensuring that you’re the smartest person in the room so she can never make you feel worthless again,” says Moriah.

Exposure to negative health effects
Our childhood affects our overall health, especially if we have had negative experiences that we have not recovered from.

A 2020 study suggests that you can develop mental and physical health conditions as a result of childhood adversity.

Possible conditions that may develop as a result of childhood trauma, such as growing up with a mother who behaves in narcissistic ways, include:

• Anxiety disorders
• Personality fluctuations
• Eating disorders