As I wrote previously in my article “Domestic Violence and Narcissism,” I spent 21 years as a police officer and investigator in a domestic violence unit. I spent most of my time on the street, responding to calls for service that involved a lot of domestic disputes.

Many times I would respond to a domestic violence call, call paramedics to treat the female (victims in domestic disputes are usually female), and because of the assault, arrest the male, only to return to the same residence two days, a week, or two months later. Another domestic dispute with injuries.

I often asked the victim, “Why did you come back?” I received a wealth of excuses: “He said he wouldn’t do it again.” “He said he loved me.” “He said he needed me.” “He’s a good provider.” None of these excuses, at the time because of my lack of understanding, made any sense to me.

Why did these victims, often women, return to the abusive relationship? Why did they put themselves in harm’s way and a very volatile and dangerous situation? I now know that much of this resurgence has been due to narcissistic relationships where the narcissist uses something called vacuuming.

More specifically, vacuuming can be defined in terms of a current or past toxic narcissistic relationship, where the abusive narcissist attempts to lure and coax the victim back into the abusive relationship they previously escaped.

The term vacuuming is derived from the Hoover vacuum cleaner company and evokes the process of sucking things up that the company does, just as the narcissistic abuser sucks the victim back into the abusive relationship psychologically, and often physically.

During this process, the narcissistic abuser will use almost any means necessary to achieve the desired outcome: the victim returning to the abusive relationship. These tricks can include trying to put the victim on a guilt trip, making false promises of behavior change, false promises of gifts that are too good to be true, begging, yelling at the victim, using shame in the relationship, threats, insincerely accepting blame for the relationship’s failure, or even using others (flying monkeys) to help convince the victim to return to the relationship.

The abusive narcissist will wage a campaign that knows no bounds to convince the victim to return to abuse and continue to abuse.

Unfortunately, these abusive narcissists are successful in their efforts. I have proven this on the street level as a police officer when I am called to a domestic dispute or domestic violence call where I was previously.

How does this happen? Why would someone knowingly return to an abusive relationship?

There is a process that is close to the same one that the abusive narcissist used in the relationship before.

Step1

They are kind, loving, and compassionate. They will say nice things that they think the victim wants to hear. They will try to charm the victim and lure them in with their fake charm. However, if this does not work, they may move on to the next stage.

Step2

They may become verbally abusive and try to convince the victim that no one else wants them, that they are broken, not pretty enough, not smart enough, or not worthy of anyone else. Their insults can be limitless. In between the humiliation, the victim may also hear that the abusive narcissist only wants what is best for the victim or is looking out for the victim. If this step does not convince the victim to return, step three may be used.

StepThree

This is the Virgin Mary pass. Here the abusive narcissist attempts to destroy everything the victim holds dear. This can come in the form of attacks on their intelligence, their parenting skills, their job skills or position, their organizational positions, or anything else the victim holds dear. It is not uncommon for them to try to convince the victim that the narcissist not only believes they are a failure at any of these things, but that “everyone else” believes the same thing.

This process can start at any time, right after a breakup or even years later.

What are some subtle tricks an abusive narcissist might use to gain control and get the victim back?

The tricks are limited only by the narcissist’s imagination. Some of these tricks might include:

Sending the victim unexpected messages telling them how much they miss the victim or that they love the person they abused.

Contacting the victim on important dates such as previous anniversaries, birthdays, or new milestones in the victim’s life.

Asking for help. This might include needing your urgent help at their home or seeking help for a medical condition or mental stress. They might even say they are about to commit suicide to get a response from the victim. This is one of the main signs of living with a narcissist.

Sending gifts for no reason. An abusive narcissist might send flowers, cards, or other gifts as a way to connect with the victim and stir up their emotions.

Promising them lavish gifts such as vacations, a new car, or even a new home.

Acting as if the previous abuse never happened and trying to restart a conversation with the victim.

Begging and pleading for another chance to make it right.

Saying they are in love. The victim may hear how the abuser now wants to express his undying love and promise of the loving relationship the victim has always wanted.

Understand that narcissists are in a relationship for one reason – to get what they want from the victim – and they will do whatever they feel is necessary to get the victim to return to the abuse using false and manipulative means.