No relationship is perfect, and it’s normal for everyone to have some disagreements and cracks with their partners. But in healthy relationships, both parties aim to work together to find sustainable solutions to change.
In addition, they usually take responsibility for their own wrongdoing and make a conscious effort to be respectful and sympathetic to one another.
However, toxic relationships are built differently. One partner tends to invest more in themselves than in the greater good of the relationship. There may be patterns of criticism, disrespect, or outright abuse.
As a result, it can feel almost impossible to repair or heal the damage.
What really makes for healthy relationships?
Do healthy relationships happen by chance? Or does it require purposeful intent and discipline? Are some people more likely to get it than others? Although no two dynamics are exactly the same, there are common traits in loving and healthy relationships.
Consistent confidence
How much do you trust your partner when they are not around you? How confident are you that they are telling the truth at all times?
It takes time to earn trust, but it’s a non-negotiable part of a healthy relationship. When you trust someone, you feel secure knowing that they are who they say they are (and that they do what they say they do).
Signs of trust in a relationship include:
Feeling confident about your partner’s activities or whereabouts
A feeling of constant reassurance of their love and commitment to you.
Enjoying the time you spend together without having to be together 24/7.
Believing what they say and do without looking for signs of lying or betrayal.
Being on the same page in terms of commitment.
Thus, the lack of trust between each other is one of the main signs of a toxic relationship. It creates endless opportunities for doubt, anger, and confusion. With that said, trust must also be grounded. For example, even if you completely trust your partner, problems can still arise if they don’t trust you. The opposite is also true.
In addition, if you have been betrayed in the past, trusting a new partner may seem intimidating or naive. But over time, trust issues will erode the integrity of any relationship.
respect
Respect is of paramount importance in healthy relationships. Respectful relationships allow both partners to feel secure in respecting their values and identifying their needs. You both treat each other as equals, and enjoy learning and growing with each other.
Respect also includes:
Listen to each other openly and without distractions.
Appreciate your differences and seek compromise when needed.
Giving each other the benefit of the doubt.
Encourage each other when needed.
Stick to boundaries at all times.
Keep in mind that it can be difficult to respect a partner if you lack self-respect. People with low self-esteem may find themselves in relationships where others mistreat them – this reinforces negative views they may hold about themselves.
Abusive partners do not respect their partners or their needs. If they seem to respect you, it is usually only because your values currently align with theirs. But the moment homeostasis feels threatened, they will turn on you. They will make you become the villain, and potentially harm you to regain a sense of hopeless power and control.
Interdependence
Humans are wired for social connection – we need relationships to thrive. We grow, learn and adapt when others support us.
Codependency refers to sharing emotional intimacy with others without compromising your sense of self. In these relationships, partners come together freely to communicate while respecting their independent needs.
This definition differs greatly from codependency, which often entails poor boundaries and a lack of mutual respect. Unfortunately, most toxic relationships have a sense of codependency—you may feel suffocated, distrustful, anxious, or uncertain around your partner.
Signs of interdependent relationships include:
Feeling that you want your partner instead of desperately needing them.
Enjoying the time you spend together and the time you spend apart.
Having outside relationships and hobbies that you enjoy pursuing.
Feeling that your partner is a safe and secure base.
Feeling a natural, healthy, vibrant love for one another
Fun and fun
Your partner doesn’t need to be your best friend, but many people in healthy relationships feel that way about their partners. They don’t just love their partners – they really love their company.
While many relationships begin with a sense of wonder, some couples lose that joy over time. Therefore, it is a positive sign if the two of you can laugh and have fun together.
Toxic relationships leave little room for fun and fun. Instead, things may seem serious all the time. Or, in some cases, you never know what mood your partner is in — one week, you’re arguing non-stop, and the next, he wants to take you away on a spontaneous vacation. This intermittent ups and downs of communication can be unnerving.
Health conflict resolution
Even the happiest couples disagree, and the struggles themselves aren’t an indicator of a bad relationship. But messy struggles with dirtier decisions often create losing situations.
In a healthy relationship, partners aim to be sympathetic to the other person’s opinion. They try to act calmly and respectfully with the best interest of the other person in mind.
Even when they disagree, people in healthy relationships avoid turning on each other when faced with a problem. Instead, they see it as something they can tackle together – rather than wasting time trying to prove who is right or wrong.
Sometimes, there is no clear answer to the controversy. In healthy relationships, partners don’t try to “piece it up” repeatedly until something changes. Instead, they can usually accept that they may need to revisit the issue later – or that they need to agree to disagree.
Finally, healthy conflict resolution entails an inherent sense of picking your battles. Conflict can be boring, even when you love the other person. Therefore, if your partner seems to be arguing about everything or criticizing you about every mistake, this is a serious red flag.
Are toxic relationships all talk (without action?)
Maybe you think they can change. Maybe they keep telling you things will get better…and you’re hopeful, desperate, and eager to trust them.
However, their words are short every time. This is because bad people know how to manipulate situations to meet their own needs. For example, they may promise never to cheat again, or they may insist they go to therapy with you. But if they know you’re not leaving, they’ll do the bare minimum just to keep you around.
In other cases, they will start a love bomb (showering you with praise and love), slander (spread lies or exploit private information about your life to stack others against you), or shine a spotlight on you to make you doubt reality.
It is unrealistic to say that people cannot change. Rather, most people cannot and will not change in the long run. Furthermore, if you’ve always been the one who believes in the relationship, if you’re the one who rationalizes the abuse over and over again, and if things keep turning and reversing, the odds of change remain devastatingly low.
If you’ve been in your relationship for some time, you probably know that serious, positive change is unlikely. But, unfortunately, the longer you stick around, the harder it is to leave.
What if the relationship is just “a little bit” toxic?
You might read about healthy relationships and wonder, what if things are a little unhealthy? What if everything works fine most of the time?
Let’s think about what “a little toxic” might actually mean. In the best case scenario, your relationship may need some work. But, on the other hand, if you and your partner are responsive and constantly adapting to make improvements, the relationship may improve.
In other cases, the term “little poison” may have a different meaning. For example, let’s say you have a history of abusive relationships. If your current partner seems a little better than previous partners, you may feel more inclined to justify questionable behavior.
Or let’s say you struggle with low self-esteem and have fears of being alone. If these apply, you might also think that “a little toxic” is worth the price of being in a relationship.
Finally, it’s important to note that relationships can be misleading and disappointing, especially when you’re in them. It’s easy to feel blind to all of the warning signs once you feel committed to the other person.
This is why it is so important to try to hold yourself accountable and educate yourself about healthy relationships. Denial can be a powerful motivator, but it always leads to greater depths of despair.
final thoughts
Healthy relationships require a healthy sense of self. Learning how to break out of toxic patterns (and relationships) can be challenging, but it’s always worth the effort. Unfortunately, over time, abuse often progresses — it can get so bad that you lose your full sense of self.
