Narcissistic abuse can be devastating and traumatic, to say the least. In most cases, we suffer this type of abuse over several years, and it often comes from the people we trust and love the most. Not only can narcissistic abuse affect our mental and emotional health, but it can also change who we are as a person and how we live the rest of our lives. However, it is possible to recover from PTSD and complex trauma resulting from narcissistic abuse.

How do I heal from narcissistic abuse?

What do you do when your heart wants someone your brain knows is bad for you?
Written by Dr. Elinor Greenberg

I am often asked some version of the following question by people fresh out of an abusive relationship with a narcissist. They say:

My ex treated me miserably. By the time they kicked me to the curb, I was a complete mess. I have lost my self-esteem and most of my confidence. It took me weeks to stop crying. I am in treatment and finally able to work again. I know I’m better off without this relationship, but I still fantasize about my ex every single day and wish we could be together. Why can’t I forget this person and move on?

Read : Why Do We Love Difficult Partners? A Spiritual Approach

One way to understand what is going on here is to realize that our minds and hearts sometimes go on separate tracks. The key to healing is getting them to communicate with each other.

Your heart says: I love this person.

Your mind says: it’s over. They offended you. You need to get away and never come back.

This back-and-forth dialogue can go on for a long time without resolution. These are two completely different views of the same situation. One view focuses on how good it felt when things were going well while the other focuses on the reality of how everything turned out. You don’t have to passively wait for something to happen to break that deadlock. There are things you can do to speed up your recovery and end this emotionally destructive push/pull.

Note: I am using the terms “narcissist” and “narcissist” in this article as shorthand for a much longer phrase: a person who has made a narcissistic adjustment to a childhood condition and who now exhibits a pattern of responses is commonly called narcissistic personality disorder.

“When we meet and fall in love with a narcissist, we are entering an important life lesson that involves learning how to create boundaries, self-esteem, and resilience. Through trial and error (and a lot of pain), our relationship with the narcissist teaches us the necessary lessons we need to become mature empaths.” – Matthew Sole

Exercise – Challenge your false beliefs
Here is a 4-part exercise that can speed up the recovery process:

Part 1 – Write down all of your beliefs about your relationship with your narcissistic ex that interferes with your progress and search for someone new to love.
Here is my client list, Laura:

1. It was my fault that he behaved so badly with me.
2. I could have done something that would have made the situation work.
3. He treats his next love better than me because the new person is better than me.
4. Never again will I find anyone who makes me feel good and special.

The above list is “heart-based”. Laura’s emotional side longs for what she was going through with her ex when things were at their sweet peak. This side of Laura does not want to face the pain of acknowledging her current reality – she will never have lasting love and a perfect future with this man. The idea that absolutely nothing can be salvaged from this relationship except wisdom is too painful for Laura to face it head-on. Instead, she tries to convince her logical self that there is still a way to make this relationship work if she ever has to do it again.

“Wait,” her heart says, “you might still be able to get your ex back, and this time you can make it work.” Unfortunately, this is also the heart of someone who takes more than their share of the blame for the failure of the relationship.

Part Two – Who encouraged you in your childhood to take all the blame?
Most of my clients who tend to take more than their share of the blame for their breakup have had a parent who inappropriately blamed them. It can help you realize that part of what is preventing you from seeing your current state of separation is that it is a recurrence of a recurring childhood state.

Ask yourself: Who always blamed me in my childhood when something went wrong?

Example – My client Laura was raised by a narcissistic mother who constantly blamed her for almost everything. If the milk turned sour in the fridge, she was told: You must have left it out. When her mother got angry and yelled at Laura in the street, she heard: It’s your fault that I lost my temper! If you weren’t so disrespectful, I wouldn’t have to yell at you in public.

“The greater the force, the greater the severity of the abuse.” – Edmund Borkiacs

Part 3 – What do you get from protecting your abusive ex and blaming yourself instead?
We blame ourselves not only because of habit and our history but also because it serves some hidden psychological purpose. To move on, it helps to recognize what you get from protecting your ex and blaming yourself.

This was a difficult question for Laura to answer. She finally said:

“If it was my fault, I could make it better. I loved the way he made me feel in the beginning. He kept telling me how special I was and that I was so beautiful! It’s so hard for me to let go. No other man has ever made me feel so confident. If I accept he’s a narcissist there’s nothing I can do.” To solve his problems, I must give up taking him back as he was before. I realize that whenever I think of him, I only imagine him as he was in the beginning, not when he was abusing me.”

Part 4 – Write a true statement next to each belief in Part 1. Make sure that what your brain tells you is true (even though your heart doesn’t want to believe it).

Here’s Laura’s new list:

1. It’s not my fault it was offensive. He has a history of abusing women.
2. There was nothing I could have done to change the outcome.
3. He treats women well only at the beginning of the relationship when he wants to seal the deal.
4. He’ll eventually abuse the new woman, too.
5. There are plenty of men out there who would find me attractive and special in an unchanging way.

Read : 16 Painful Things I Learned Trying To Love Someone Who Was Toxic For Me

Whenever you find yourself missing your ex or blaming yourself, re-read Part 4 again.

Punchline: It can be very difficult to heal from narcissistic abuse because we tend to focus only on the good parts. We tell ourselves we could have done differently and imagine our ex would give someone new the perfect, eternal love we crave. It takes repeated cold doses of reality to confront our fantasy that we have irreplaceably lost something wonderful.