Healing from a narcissistic relationship is a delicate process. Here is a practical guide to dealing with some of the most challenging effects of narcissistic abuse. This guide aims to provide you with clarity and direction on your journey to recovery from narcissistic abuse, from a breakup, to post-abuse depression, to the finer points of recovery.
Dealing with a breakup
Dissociation occurs because you cannot stay present with your current reality or current feelings. We do this as children when we are abused, causing fear and shame to overwhelm our young bodies. The more we suffer, the more habitual separation becomes, and the harder it is to be present in the moment. Narcissistic abuse only exacerbates and cements this habit, leaving us more vulnerable to further abuse. It’s a vicious circle. Fear, shame, guilt, pain, and anxiety flood our bodies, our mind instantly activates our dissociative defense and we drift off in our imaginations to calm ourselves. If we can’t be there, we can’t set boundaries and face the challenges around us. The separated person sits a duck. Worst of all, it can be difficult to realize that we are apart. This is where meditation can help.
Trauma release, bodywork, and therapy can help us heal from a narcissistic relationship. However, one powerful exercise you can do at home to gently bring your conscious focus back to the present moment is the following meditation:
Find a quiet room where you won’t be distracted.
Choose a place on the floor and squat down with your back and neck straight. There is no need for any fancy yoga poses. Sitting on a meditation cushion helps, as raising your torso allows you to maintain good posture and makes meditation less painful. If you don’t have a meditation cushion, you can also stack some towels or folded clothes and even put a towel under your knees if the floor is firm. The important thing is to provide as much comfort as possible while maintaining a seated and upright position.
Set the timer. The ideal period is 20 minutes. At first, you may need to start with a much shorter duration and work your way up.
Put your hands on each roll.
Keep your eyes open the entire time you are sitting. Find a primary object to focus on, such as a cup without printing on it. This will be used as a reference point throughout the meditation to allow you to focus gently without being distracted. If you feel the need to close your eyes, do so and open them again when you are ready.
Try to stay relaxed and focused the whole time.
While meditating, you will encounter some difficulties. Sitting completely quietly and silently is a position that the mind does not like very much, and it will rebel. You must be prepared for this. Exposing the mind, not letting it distract it and giving it nowhere to go threatens its hold on you. Here is a list of the most common obstacles and how to deal with them:
Persistent Thoughts: While you are sitting, your mind will keep racing away. That’s totally fine. You might drift away in your mind and start thinking about laundry, or you might replay parts of the day like a movie, or you might even start analyzing the thing you’re focusing on. The key is to pick yourself up and gently bring your focus back to the present moment. A good way to ground yourself is to focus on your breath. Take 10 slow, deep breaths and then return to a normal resting state with normal breathing. Another way to focus on yourself is to focus on your body. Focus on your chest area or your body as a whole, and pay attention to how it feels. If you detect a feeling, go deeper and explore it. Give her your attention. Then return to calm focus when you’re ready.
Distraction: When a thought or stimulus from the outside world causes a strong reaction from the true self, the pain can scare the ego into dispersion. During meditation, the more your true self comes to the surface, the more fear you may feel. As fear increases, your focus may begin to wander. The more your true self reveals itself, the stronger your focus will be. You may also become disconnected during meditation by zoning out or you may get caught up in a thought pattern. The idea is to gently refocus again, while being aware of the sensations in your body at the same time. It’s a balancing act, as excessive focus brings in too much ego, blocking the path to the true self. Too little focus leads to unconsciousness, which means that the true self will defeat you and you will not be able to direct it.
Pain and discomfort, including hot flashes: This will subside with more and more sessions. Over time, your body stored all of your buried feelings. When you do seated meditation, those feelings will surface and manifest as pain. You may experience it particularly in your shoulders and back. Some gentle stretching after sitting can help, but just know that in time it will contract. You can, of course, stop the meditation if the discomfort becomes too much, but the more you can tolerate, the more effective the sitting will be.
Suspicion and impatience: the mind plays its games. He’ll tell you that you’re being silly, and that you better take your time planning your next vacation. He will think of countless other things you can do. He will tell you that there is no point in what you are doing. Don’t listen to him. It’s all a hoax. The mind hates feeling exposed without a distraction. When these doubts arise (and they will), simply acknowledge them and move on.
Blurry vision: Meditation physically changes your brain chemistry. Blurry vision is a side effect of this, and will settle the deeper you go.
Practice the above meditation for 5-20 minutes every day, and you will gradually retrain your mind and consciousness to stop detaching and start waking up in the world, where you can grow more and more every day. Healing from a narcissistic relationship requires that we gently return our focus to reality, so that we can cleanse the resulting trauma and awaken to reality so that we can finally direct its course.
Dealing with depression after a narcissistic relationship
Depression is a healing tonic that brings the self back to a point of equilibrium. Remember that while you were in the narcissistic relationship, you were identified with a grandiose structure, the narcissist’s false self. Your old identity has been demolished, and you have been reprogrammed according to the narcissist’s tastes. This false identity is now collapsing, and your ego is going through a phase of grief. This is depression.
Your ego has derived a sense of identity from the narcissist, and it wants that identity back. It doesn’t matter what kind of identity you are. You just must have one. Not realizing that you can rebuild yourself in a more realistic and empowering way.
Before you begin to heal from a narcissistic relationship, you must grieve. Ideally, you want to direct all of your consciousness toward depression, to expand your awareness and accept depression in all its severity. However, that can be very frustrating at first. Instead, take time each day to sit upright and simply direct your awareness toward feeling depressed for as long as you can tolerate it. Note their intensity. Where do they appear in the body? in the chest? in your stomach? Let your face sag, let your body soften, and let yourself be sad and depressed as need be. go with the wind Don’t think about it or analyze it, simply watch it and let it happen. This is how you allow the grieving process to complete on its own. Just when you think it will never end, it will begin to transform.
But this could take days, weeks or months. For now, take a lot of time every day to do this practice. When you get confused, which you certainly will at first, change and do something that brings you relaxation and joy. Take a shower, spend time with a good friend, watch your favorite TV show, go for a walk, and play sports. When you are full enough, return to the darkness and sit there, that is, be conscious of it. You can be sure that when the work is done, the sun will rise again, and the darkness will again recede into the depths of your being. Then spiritual growth can begin, and you can begin the long and beautiful road toward recovery from a narcissistic relationship.
Healing emotional flashbacks after a narcissistic relationship
Narcissistic abuse lingers in the person’s body and soul as a trauma. At the time of the abuse, the target of the narcissism did not have the power to process it because their mental capacity and willpower were compromised.
Now the source of the abuse is gone. This energy based on shyness and fear finally has a chance to resurface. It wants your Higher Self (your awareness) to realize it, legitimize its right to exist, and finally, provide it with a space where it can be expressed. This means being present with her, letting her run around and play in your presence. “Your” is capitalized here because it does not represent your mind or your ego, but the “you” that lies behind and above your mind.
Embracing your trauma means living in a state of spaciousness and intensity that you have never experienced before. During the flashback, look for the intensity and the accompanying sensations in your body. Be alert, but relax your body. become severe. Surrender to the terror you are experiencing in this moment. Look straight at this wave from the past. Get into it, do it by directing all your focus to it, gently setting aside your conflicting thoughts and instincts. If you can take the leap of faith, your awareness will grow, and your ability to handle intensity will increase. This is how evolution works. Before you can simply “be there,” you have to be present with what gets in the way. Evolution is a process in which the state of an organism takes on a form that did not exist before. You are capable of that, and you do it with faith, courage and conscious presence in the face of terrorism.
Like the stages of a video game, view your trauma of narcissistic abuse as a “level” that you must work through. It’s frustrating, it’s uncomfortable, it’s downright painful for a brief moment, but once you find your way through it using surrender and focus, you can rest in the joy of your spiritual growth and then prepare yourself for the next level. Narcissistic abuse can hold you back, or it can be the force driving you toward your fulfillment. It’s just a matter of being aware and willing to go on your own personal hero’s journey.
Preventing further narcissistic abuse
No one consciously chooses to participate in narcissistic abuse. Don’t take root slowly unless you are unaware of what is going on. Before the overt abuse subsides, the shame imbalance is the main warning sign you should feel.
Overt references are well documented, in the DSM-5 and in countless articles, so this is the place to start knowing what to look for. Often difficult to recognize, or rather feel, is the underlying dynamic that occurs when you first begin to interact with a narcissist. A snide remark, a casual compliment, a laugh, a “note” about you that makes you question yourself and re-evaluate your decision-making process. These are all small nudges that make you more and more shy. This is how narcissistic abuse begins. Never admitting mistakes, blaming the scapegoat for the mistake, and amplifying themselves through the story, this is how the narcissist creates an aura of “superiority.” Who are they superior to? Anyone ask them.
This apparent “superiority” is just plain rude. It creates the illusion that the narcissist is a higher being. So, by being constantly rude while shaming you in the process, all without your awareness, they gradually dampen you down and make you psychologically pliable enough to control and manipulate. You’ll know you’re feeling shame when you start to feel the weight in your mind, when your situation falls apart, when you start questioning yourself, when you’ve been in a loose position all the time and need to ‘redeem’ yourself, and when your mind goes blank.
When recovering from a narcissistic relationship, notice this pattern and practice sensing it when it begins. It could come from anywhere, a mutual friend at a party, a colleague or boss at work, or a potential romantic partner. If this pattern continues without your awareness, narcissistic abuse will occur. Only by grabbing it and disengaging it can you protect yourself.
Ten other tips for recovering from a narcissistic relationship
Healing from a narcissistic relationship can leave you emotionally dizzy as your trauma bubbled to the surface and pulled you off center. Some other actionable tips to get you anchored:
Find your center: The essence of spirituality is to center yourself on something deeper than your mind. This starts with you being mindful in general, and it really starts when you allow space for your center to show. If you can successfully establish yourself and establish awareness of your center, you will have a reference point for when narcissists try to manipulate you. When a narcissist makes fun of you, shames you or tries to manipulate and control you with his words and behavior, you will feel an invisible push away from this center. This uncomfortable feeling is your compass and your greatest ally.
Spend some time alone: Every day you should set aside some time to be alone. The narcissist will do everything in their power to consume your reality and drive you off center by clouding your thoughts and emotions. Alone time, in full alertness, will clearly reveal your inner state to you so that you can understand it while giving it air to breathe. When you come out of isolation in a repositioning state, you can use this clean slate to better define manipulation.
Practice disengaging: When a narcissist steers the conversation into uncomfortable territory that makes you feel bad about yourself or traps you, learn to steer the conversation abruptly back to normal. Share a random fact about the world. Ask what a mutual friend is doing. Mention that you like their shirt or dress. Narcissistic manipulation carries a certain momentum, and having an attitude of contempt toward it is a powerful way to lessen the effects.
Get angry: Repressed anger is like undiscovered oil. It’s just below the surface, it’s black, and it burns easily. Anger is also the fuel for setting boundaries. You only need a little of it for the narcissist to feel like you mean business. From the outside, it will seem like you are just being assertive, but they will sense a small hint of anger beyond your boundaries. So be curious about anger. Be aware of it in your body, and make yourself feel it. Explore it and give it space to roam in a context that you can manage, i.e. in solitude, in therapy, etc.
A meditation on shame: Shame is the narcissist’s ultimate weapon. If they can make you feel enough of it, they can lock you in a psychological cage of inferiority and stagnation. Consider it, explore and own it. Toxic shame and shame attacks are horrific experiences, and you may need the help of a therapist when facing them. However, if you can learn to deal with shyness, you can free it from yourself and restore your self-esteem. Once you’ve made enough progress, the narcissist’s sarcasm and verbal attack will lose much of their punch.
C-PTSD: Complex post-traumatic stress disorder is the result of persistent abuse over long periods of time. This leaves you in a state of hypervigilance which weakens your resolve and keeps you trapped in a psychological cage. By facing and releasing your trauma, your body will begin to allow healthy fear to circulate, and you will be able to process the unknown with bursts of unimaginable energy. Stretching exercises, breathing work, yoga, dance, physical experiences, etc. are all excellent PTSD healing therapies.
Restore your pride: learn new skills, push your usual limits, embrace leadership, and most importantly, learn to see failure as a stepping stone to growth.
Keep this mantra with you: narcissism is a lie. It is a psychological game that persuades targets into believing that they are inferior and worthless by using their own shame against them when they are vulnerable to resistance. Knowledge and healing can be taken away, and you can break the cycle.
DIE BEFORE YOU DIE: When you wake up each morning, meditate for 10-20 minutes and bring your focus to the darkest, most troubling parts of yourself. You may or may not ignore your center, but your ego will be affected by the experience. This practice will give you increased ownership of your fears and fears and will make it more difficult for narcissists to exploit them.
Be Kind to Yourself: Years of abuse linger in our mind, body, and soul for life. Patterns beyond our control play out, and wrestling with control of our true selves is hard work. You will slip, and often. Forgive yourself, take a step back, and try again. If you weren’t your friend, who would it be?
