Have you been a victim of narcissistic triangulation? What you need to know when adding a third person to your relationship.

People are often asked about the relationship between triangulation and narcissism.

People want to know: Why did my soulmate introduce a third person into our relationship? What did he or she gain that made me feel insecure? Am I being manipulated? Is my partner a narcissist because he is always comparing me to someone else or finding a way to drive a wedge between me and my friends or family? Are narcissists the only ones who use triangulation to get their way?

Note: In this article, I use the terms narcissist, narcissist, and NPD as an abbreviated way to describe someone who qualifies for a diagnosis of narcissistic personality disorder. Similarly, I use the terms borderline, BPD, schizoid, and SPD as shorthand for someone who qualifies for a diagnosis of borderline personality disorder or schizotypal personality disorder.

What is triangulation?

Triangulation in psychology is a name for a rather heartless form of manipulation, in which one person seeks to control the personal situation of three people for his benefit. It often involves the use of threats of elimination or strategies aimed at divide and conquer.

Who uses triangulation?

Anyone can use triangulation, not just people with narcissistic personality disorder. You can see kids and teens doing this at school and on play dates, in ways that are particularly obvious and painful.

Example: 12-year-old Sarah has two friends, Betty and Lindsey. Sarah is the most controlling member of the trio. She gets along well with both of them when they play one on one. However, when they are at school, she often pits them against each other in a mean manner.

In the cafeteria at lunchtime, Lindsey told Betty in front, “Come sit next to me. I made a seat for you,” while Betty flatly shrugged. Betty stands there waiting to be recognized. But Sarah continues to ignore her. Lindsey takes a seat and follows Sarah’s lead, ignoring Betty.

Betty says, “What about me?”

Sarah says, “Maybe I’ll sit with you next time.”

What just happened?

Sarah used Lindsay to solidify her dominance in the group and portray herself as a prize to fight for. This is an example of using exclusion in conjunction with a divide-and-conquer strategy.

Related: 7 Signs Your Mother Is An Exhibitionist Narcissist

Why do people with NPD use triangulation?

People with narcissistic personality disorder frequently use triangulation to enhance their feelings of superiority, raise their self-esteem, devalue others, and keep potential competitors off balance. They’re no different than kids using them to help fight status wars in middle school or teens vying for popularity in high school.

Example: Jan suffers from a narcissistic personality disorder. Unlike hypothetical narcissists who love the spotlight and want to be the center of attention, people with the closet narcissist subtype feel very exposed and vulnerable to public attention. They find more indirect manipulation methods to feel special. Their version of triangulation is less overt and more evasive.

Jane envies her co-worker Carol’s success. She feels very competitive with Carol but is very afraid of sabotaging her in public. Instead, she befriends Fran, who is in love with Carol and begins to subtly distance her from Carol by causing trouble between them.

She tells Fran, “I know you like Carol, so I want you to know something. Please promise me that if I tell you, you’ll never tell Carol I said anything.”

Fran is curious and promises not to mention their conversation with Carol.

Gene says, “I didn’t know how to tell you, but I’m uneasy about the way Carol talks about you behind your back. I’m so shocked by some of the things she’s been saying about you to the rest of the team. I have your back, of course, but I thought you should know.”