Not contacting a narcissist is probably one of the best things you can do. However, being offline can sometimes be more difficult than it seems.

You did all the right things. You broke up with the narcissist, cut off no contact and did your best to put your focus back on you. But much to your dismay, your narcissist is throwing everything he’s got at you, and throwing everything at you to try to elicit some kind of response.

Inadvertently, throughout your relationship, either through sharing or gathering information, you’ve given your narcissist all kinds of clues about your emotional triggers, what your biggest fears are, and what your most painful hurts are.

Your narcissist knows you. They’ve polled since the day I met. You may have thought that you two were getting to know each other through the exchange of information, but what was really going on is that the narcissist was engaged in something much more sinister.

They were looking for a way and the best way to control you. Whether this is conscious behavior or unconscious behavior, the narcissist knows exactly what information is important enough to remember and store for future use.

So when you finally have had enough of their abuse and tell them to explode, don’t be surprised at how far the narcissist will try to hold it.

The spaghetti test

When a narcissist is hell-bent on getting you back, he will throw everything at you to see what sticks, just like a chef would throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks and what bounces back. They won’t pull punches and you’ll see everything you said attached to you in an effort to weaken your defenses.

Many of us don’t connect with a strong feeling and determination to do all that crazy and then a text message comes out of nowhere. You are determined not to open it, but you see that it is a picture. cave and open it. It’s a picture of the restaurant you went to on your first date.

You roll your eyes and think, pa-leeeeeease, but somewhere, very deep, you feel little heart strings being pulled. You don’t respond, but your mind starts going in that direction. Your phone rings again, it’s another text:

“Do you remember our first date? It was here. I miss you. We should talk.”

You’re determined not to react because this isn’t the first time you’ve been here and you know how hard it is to bring yourself back to this place, sick enough to actually take action to end it, but feel it, right there, pulling another heart chord.

The narcissist decided that this was a failed attempt, because you didn’t respond, so they decided they had to up their game. They don’t want to seem too zealous, as this might reek of desperation, so they wait a day, maybe two, in the hope that the seeds they have just planted might take root.

They tried emotion – it didn’t work, so now they’ll try the calling technique and your phone will turn off again.

“I’ve never felt like this before. I can’t breathe without you. I’ve never felt this kind of connection with anyone. What we have is private and I don’t understand how you can get away from us.”

At this point, you feel bad that they are making you feel things and that they are not going away. A part of you feels a little glad he’s not giving up without a fight and the shoe is on the other foot for a change, but you’ve made up your mind, you’re done and you want those messages to stop, so you tell yourself it’s okay to respond. You justify the disconnect because you’re not giving up, you’re telling him to stop.

“Alex, we’re done. Please stop calling me. We both need to move on.”

At this point, the narcissist has gotten what he wants—connection. It didn’t matter if the contact was negative – they got you to respond, and that was their goal. So they make a mental note that feeding you a dose of guilt got the job done, so they throw in some more.

“Angela, we’re not done. You said you’d always be by my side. Was that a lie? You said you’d always love me—were you lying then too? I need you and I’m not giving it to you.”

You have wanted to hear and feel that this man truly loves you throughout your relationship and here he is. You’re glad he wants you back and the fact that he’s not giving up must really mean that he loves you – right?

mistake. The problem now is that you’re starting to loosen up a bit and you’re justifying the response again because you need to respond to these claims. His gang, after all he does.

“No, I wasn’t lying, but how much do you expect me to put up with? You flirt with other women, ignore me and treat me like shit. You’re not there for me when I need you and I always feel used.”

This is better than he had hoped, now he’s got you involved in a full conversation. Even if it was via text, but you still interacted with him. Now it’s just a matter of planting enough doubt and confusion in your mind about his behavior and then twisting it to somehow make it your fault so that you start to doubt your own decision and what really happened.

“I wasn’t kidding around with the other women. That was Crystal. I’ve known her since I was eight. She’s like a sister to me and she’s been having trouble with her husband. Do you expect me to turn my back on a friend when he needs my help? I’ve been really busy lately and it’s with some things.

I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you, but my problem is almost over and then we can spend all the time together as you want. We can go on a trip, wherever you want. Let’s go out to dinner and talk about it.”

If nostalgia doesn’t work, they’ll try guilt, if guilt doesn’t work, they’ll try pity, and if pity doesn’t work, they’ll try jealousy… your attention.

The thing to remember is that when we don’t communicate, it’s for a very good reason. This is because we realize that we are being abused and manipulated and that we need to extricate ourselves from the madness.

Related: The Narcissistic Parent: 5 Signs You Were Raised By One

One should always keep in mind that when a narcissist change promises, they will change, long enough for them to decide they have you all over again. Then it’s down to an initial breath, an initial breath. They don’t care about your feelings. They are only interested in how they feel.

All you’re told while you’re trying not to connect is smoke and mirrors. None of it is true. This is a game and your narcissist is only interested in winning. So don’t fall for it.

Their ability to feel empathy is impaired, and they can’t fully understand how their behavior made them feel. When there is no understanding of cause and effect, there is no motivation for real change. To them, any contact you have is only a loop through which they must temporarily jump, just long enough to get you under control again.

Don’t make the mistake of thinking that now things will be on your terms because any change in their behavior will be short-lived.

When a narcissist pursues you in this way, do not misinterpret it as flattery, or as a sign of the depth of his feelings for you. What it is, however, is an attempt to control you and a complete disregard for your desires and limitations. If you tell someone no and they keep going, that’s incredibly disrespectful and indicative of someone whose only concern is their own needs — not yours.

I have discussed in previous blogs about intermittent rewards and how our motivation can be likened to a slot machine. If the narcissist pulls the lever and gets what he wants all along, he will pull it whenever he feels like it.

If he pulls and is only rewarded for a while, he will keep pulling for longer, because he knows it pays off sometimes, so he tells himself he has to be persistent. When he pulls the lever and is never rewarded, he will quickly learn that pulling the lever gets him nowhere, so he will stop.

This is where you want to get the narcissist after no contact. This is why replying to them once in a while keeps them going. You’re teaching them that “no” doesn’t mean “no,” it just means trying harder. Don’t give them something every single time, and only then, will they stop and go for good.