We tend to use the term “narcissistic” when we actually mean “selfish,” but the term can correctly refer to someone who consistently displays narcissistic traits as well as someone with full-blown narcissistic personality disorder. The American Psychiatric Association estimates that 1.5 million American women are “officially” diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder, meaning that millions more could be found on the lower end of the spectrum.
Dr. Caryl McBride has spent more than 20 years studying and treating women who grew up with narcissistic mothers. I interviewed her about her new book, Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Healing Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers . Below is an edited transcript of our conversation:
What are the hallmarks of maternal narcissism?
An inability to love and show empathy to a child.
How would you describe the typical husband of such a mother?
The husband must often revolve around her in order to survive in the relationship. He may practically idolize her. This means he may not help or protect the child who is being ignored. Some parents I’ve spoken to are aware of the damage they’re doing to their child, but they feel they can’t do anything about it. Others don’t seem to be.
I’ve found two typical patterns of behavior in daughters of narcissistic mothers.
Yes. There’s the high-achieving daughter—I call her Mary Marvel—who seems to be perfect at everything she does. One of the main messages you internalize when your mother is narcissistic is, “You’re valued for what you do, not who you are.” So Mary Marvel is constantly trying to prove to herself that she’s valuable, by mastering various endeavors.
The other type of daughter is the rebel. She’s unsuccessful and self-sabotages. She may end up on welfare or addicted to drugs or alcohol. Interestingly, the two types look very different on the outside, but their internal landscapes are similar. The self-saboteur also believes she’s not good enough, but has given up trying to disprove that belief.
What determines the path a daughter takes?
I was really interested in this question, especially since my sister and I fit into this pattern—where I’m “Mary Marvel.” It’s not entirely clear, but it seems that in the case of a highly successful girl, she had someone in her life—perhaps a grandmother—who gave her unconditional love.
What typically happens to these girls in their romantic relationships?
These girls learn a distorted view of love. They learn that love is about “what I can do for you and what you can do for me.” They may become overly dependent on their partners, or choose people who are completely dependent on them. At the same time, a healthy relationship is based on interdependence.
How can an adult daughter “recover” from narcissistic motherhood?
In the book, I present a five-step program. The first part is to accept that you have a mother who doesn’t love you. This is very difficult for some women to admit, especially since the daughters in these families haven’t learned to deal with their feelings.
The daughter then has to psychologically separate from her mother. Part of that is tapping into who she is and knowing who she wants to be. It’s also important to end the legacy, and prevent the next generation from suffering in the same way.
So how can these women avoid becoming like their mothers?
It’s really about internal changes, changing how they interact with others.
You can learn to empathize with your children. That doesn’t mean loving “my child is a ballerina” or “my child is a soccer player,” but really being in tune with who your children are as people. It’s not about praising them for the sake of praising them. That leads to children feeling entitled, which is a narcissistic trait.
If these women treated their mothers differently, would the mothers react differently?
If a daughter starts setting boundaries early in the process, the mother’s bad behavior may actually get worse. That’s why I often recommend temporary separation.
Mothers may not change. I don’t want to give daughters hope that they will. But once a daughter understands her mother’s narcissism, her anger and resentment will dissipate. She can approach her mother in a loving way, not as a victim.
It’s really about accepting your mother’s boundaries. One woman in my online forums described her old mindset toward her mother this way, “It’s like my mother is colorblind, and I keep telling her to appreciate the rainbow.”
