Gaslighting was a way of life for me when I was married to my narcissistic ex-husband. I just didn’t know that. Later, when I became aware of the different techniques of gaslighting, I realized that I was a naive victim of the technique. Maybe I shouldn’t say naive. The truth is that many victims of narcissistic abuse do not realize what is happening because their hearts are not evil. People tend to perceive reality through the lens of their own motivations. If their motives are pure, it rarely occurs to them that others have evil intentions.

I often receive emails from victims of narcissistic abuse. Often times, I try to point out and describe gaslighting because it takes clarity and intent to successfully leave an abuser. So let me first start with a specific definition.

Here’s the Wikipedia entry as a basic understanding:

Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation that seeks to plant seeds of doubt in a targeted individual or members of a targeted group, causing them to question their memory, perception, and reason. Using constant denial, misinformation, contradiction, and lying, he attempts to destabilize the victim and delegitimize his or her beliefs.

Note that gaslighting can happen to both a person and a targeted group of people. Gaslighting is commonly used by dictators and cult leaders who are ultimately just narcissists with real power. Still not sure if you have a boss, partner, or friend who is giving you the spotlight? Look for these signs:

Implausible deniability:

The abuser will completely deny that the events occurred even if you can provide evidence. This, in itself, would be destabilizing to a reasonable person working in the gaslighting business. The abuser will vehemently deny that he said such and such or that what you are talking about has any truth to it. Doing this over and over again is actually a form of mind control. We begin to believe other people’s accounts of reality if they really stick to their story.

Custom dishonesty:

The narcissist often lies quite blatantly. Our general commitment to keeping the peace and avoiding public confrontation often prevents us from saying anything. But this lie is deliberate. It keeps the victim in a state of anxiety about everything the narcissist says. The narcissist’s game plan is to keep his victim from guessing his next move. If they can convince you to accept what they say without comment, they have set a precedent that allows them to manipulate reality.

Revenge gossip:

Gaslighting attempts to alienate the victim from support. One common method used is to tell the victim that mutual friends have said terrible things about the victim. This drives a wedge in the victim’s mind between him and his friends, even if they doubt the sincerity of the attacker. An experienced GAS professional will often say things like, “No one really likes you.” You are so lucky to have me standing by your side. They want to secure your loyalty in order to better manipulate you.

Destructive criticism:

Gaslighting is always an attempt to psychologically control another person. One way to do this is to criticize the victim harshly and then offer some praise. What this does is make those compliments seem truly valuable and supposed character flaws should be avoided at all costs. Someone who wants to please will fall in love with it every time.

Cruel jokes:

just kidding! You are very sensitive. Stop taking everything so seriously, says an experienced sociopath. This is another way to pull the emotional rug out of someone. It simultaneously invalidates the victim’s true feelings while letting the narcissist off the hook. This becomes a free ticket out of jail for the abuser. After all, they didn’t really mean it. Or did they do that?

Public humiliation:

Gaslighting pulls out all the stops when it comes to seizing power. One way an adult bully does this is to publicly humiliate his or her victim with damaging insults. I remember a man casually telling me how lazy and stupid his wife was while she stood there silently with her head down. She made no protest because she had been married to this rotten bag for twenty years. I imagine she believed that.

Reframe reality:

One of the ways my ex tried to brainwash him was to twist and reshape situations. The things he did were my fault. At one point, he spent eight hours a night trying to convince me that I was ruining the family by working as a teacher at a local college instead of working in a factory. He himself never held down a job during our marriage. By this time, I had gotten to know him and knew he was destructive. His parents were confused by his crusade and why he wanted me to take a low-paying job that required much more hours.

Sleep deprivation:

Overwork quickly exhausts a person. He would wake me up, and often the kids too, and insist that we redo the chores we hadn’t done properly. He was just helping the kids be responsible, he said. He would go on a rampage and empty cupboards, gaslights and drawers because he was not prepared to live in a pigsty, according to his view of reality. I complied because then I could go back to sleep more quickly. However, he slept all day and was awake all night. Exhaustion wears the fight out of a person. A boss who doesn’t give you enough time to recover may gaslight you.

Do not, under any circumstances, be subjected to these gaslighting techniques. If you’re the type of person who blames themselves for problems, you should take special note of any gaslighting techniques. I always tell every woman who emails me to see a therapist skilled at this if she can. Sometimes we just need an outside advisor to see what is right in front of us.

As a warning, I want to close with the scene in which Jesus judges the flock in Matthew 25. The righteous ask: When did we see you hungry? Jesus’ response is that whenever they feed the poor, they feed Him. But oppressors ask the same question. When did we see you hungry? His answer was that when they did not feed the poor person, they neglected him.

But the question itself is an attempt to shed light on Jesus when evil people ask him. The question of humility in the whole human heart becomes an attempt to question Jesus’ version of reality in the heart of the wicked. In the heart of the cruel person, the question “When did we see you” becomes an attempt to deny any wrongdoing. But the wicked do not realize the extent of the insult they commit against Jesus, who is the truth.

Here’s the Wikipedia entry as a basic understanding:

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