The internet has recently been awash with articles and other materials on the vulnerable narcissist. Reading through it, you may come to the conclusion that vulnerable narcissists are sensitive and easy to hurt, which makes it seem as if you should work harder at dealing with their emotional vulnerability and gives you hope that you may resort to the narcissist’s “inner self-injury,” possibly saving the relationship.
It starts innocently enough. Your partner (or friend, co-worker, or family member) has been engaging in behaviors reminiscent of an innocent kitten suddenly attacking you with the ferocity of an angry mountain lion. You turn to the internet for your reasons and research results so many visits that you feel like you’re in college preparing to write a dissertation.
Most articles written about vulnerable narcissists encourage readers to leave, if possible. But then you come across other articles and books that portray the vulnerable narcissist as a fragile human being who needs your sympathy and empathy. This tip seems more in line with what you were hoping to find. After all, leaving a narcissist and going No Contact seems so callous and heartless. There must be something you can do to show them that you are trustworthy and reliable.
Feeling determined, you pledge to follow the seemingly well-intentioned and hope-inspiring instructions laid out in the latest book written by a Ph.D. There must be a way around this, right?
Perhaps, but this is not likely.
I’ve read material that insists there is a way to “make it work with a weak narcissist,” and gives advice like, “Be strong where the narcissist is weak,” but I’ve never come across a success story of someone who followed that advice and came out unscathed. While anyone dealing with a narcissist is free to make their own decisions, I am not advocating trying to salvage the relationship.
Below, I list my top five harmful “making it work with a narcissist” recommendations and my explanation for why they generally fail.
Five Worst Recommendations to Make It Work for a Vulnerable Narcissist
1 – You can deal with the narcissist’s entitlement and grandiose behaviors with meditation
Anyone who follows my blog knows that I encourage the use of guided meditations. It is a great way to deal with stress, relax and replace negative and false beliefs.
However, they don’t do much in the way of helping the target of the narcissistic abuse deal with the narcissist’s entitlement and grandiose behaviors.
The targets of narcissistic abuse generally have their core wounds which are made worse by trying to channel their energies into the narcissist’s core wounds. Victims of narcissistic abuse are frequently aroused, remaining in a near-constant state of panic and fight or flight. It takes great effort to overcome the physiological effects of this repeated trauma – leaving little room to be someone else’s hero.
Energy cannot continue to flow in one direction over long periods, without negative consequences for the giver. Energy needs to be grounded, to find a healthy source of growth, flow, and ebb or exchange. With the narcissist, he disappears into a black hole, and this valuable, nourishing energy is consumed without gratitude and appreciation for its value.
2 – It is critical to know whether the narcissist is arrogant or weak so that you can cater to his or her needs accordingly
People tend to focus a lot on “what kind of narcissist” they are dealing with.
In the end, knowing whether a person is arrogant or weak may satisfy one’s intellectual curiosity, but continuing to painstakingly research the subject and prove a person’s behaviors and traits to make sure they fit into a particular category is a waste of time. Why? Because this does nothing to erase the abuse or change the outcome of the relationship.
Believing that you can help someone who doesn’t want help is a self-defeating illusion. Narcissists, in general, are stuck in a state of stunted development. They are mostly about how they feel in the moment, which explains their erratic behaviors. They generally don’t think about the future or ways they can improve themselves to be better partners or friends. What they do is how they can better manipulate people to advance their agendas.
In short, identifying whether the narcissist is arrogant or vulnerable may help you understand their behaviors, but trying to cater to their needs based on the type of narcissist you think will only make you feel drained and unappreciated.
3 – The narcissist’s feelings of shame and inadequacy are unconscious and they cannot control themselves
It’s one thing to take the high road and let someone else take center stage, but it’s quite another to give up your sense of self so that someone else can feel better.
The reason it is harmful for the targets of abuse to cater to the narcissist’s needs, believing they simply cannot control themselves, is because there is no balance or reciprocity. Sure, there may be so-called good times in a relationship, but they are so few and far between (and often have an underlying trigger), that by the time the narcissist shows his “good side,” it’s too little, too late.
This is exactly how the targets of narcissistic abuse end up with chronic fatigue syndrome, fibromyalgia, high blood pressure, and the development of clinical conditions such as depression and learned helplessness. Trying to compensate for the narcissist’s feelings of shame and inferiority only serves to add their targets to these feelings, especially given that narcissists are prone to verbally abusing their targets.
What happens after months or years of feeding narcissists their “unconscious” behaviors and being their emotional punching bag? Many people who attempt this end up losing their jobs because they become dysfunctional, lose their homes, custody of their children, or worse… they may contract terminal diseases.
Is it worth it?
4 – It is possible to set boundaries with the narcissist to counter their aggression and indifference
If you come across material suggesting that setting boundaries with a narcissist (including couples therapy) can help counteract a narcissist’s aggressiveness and lack of empathy, you’ll soon discover just how futile that suggestion can be if you choose to follow it.
In my experience working with clients who have experienced narcissistic abuse—plus my hours of research—I haven’t found a single success story as it relates to setting boundaries or couple therapy with a narcissist. It sure did nothing to help me!
For starters, setting boundaries with a narcissist will usually result in a narcissistic rage directed at you or pretending to keep up with you, only to come back later with a devastating sucker punch when you least expect it.
Furthermore, narcissists do not go into therapy with goals in mind (such as improving their relationship with you). They go into therapy with agendas in mind. Therefore, setting boundaries and going to therapy with the narcissist will accomplish three things: 1) waste time and money, 2) keep you in a relationship that is doomed anyway, and 3) will likely lead to you feeling like the “crazy lunatic” the narcissist keeps claiming you are.
It is important to realize that narcissists can be persuasive in creating the illusion that they are in connection with the whole idea of therapy, but this is often to keep the supply going, to learn language in order to use it later as ammunition and project the image that they are victims of abuse rather than the other way around.
When it comes to therapy, you’re better off finding your own therapist to cope with your mounting anxiety and depression, but don’t bring a narcissist into the picture if you really want to improve your well-being.
5 Narcissists are emotionally poor and need your help
While this statement may be true, the irony is that no amount of help for the narcissist leads to a positive outcome for the giver. Many wish, hope, and try desperately to make positive change in the lives of narcissists, but all they have left is a huge void. Since narcissists are such skilled actors, they keep targets they think are making progress, only to experience deep betrayal and disappointment in the future.
Throughout my years of coaching, those who chose to stay with the narcissists in their lives—or broke up with them and got back together later thinking time had changed things—always regret that decision.
Does this mean that all narcissists should be ostracized and forced to live in isolation? This is for you to decide.
The catch-22 is that only people who have a strong sense of self, who have healthy levels of self-confidence, emotional resilience, and a secure attachment style have the reserves needed to try and make things work with a narcissist. Unfortunately, these people generally have healthy boundaries and will quickly leave the narcissist due to the narcissist’s selfishness, exploitative traits, and various forms of abuse. For this reason, narcissists seek out those who are vulnerable themselves, who have internal wounds that they are trying to patch by gaining the narcissist’s approval, who have an insecure or anxious attachment style, and who are fixers/rescuers.
If any of these last descriptions sound like you, you should not stay in a relationship with a narcissist.
It is my belief that keeping space open for narcissists to be themselves only leads to the self-destruction of their goals. The most loving thing you can do for them is to leave because that is the only way they will realize that their actions will not be rewarded, forcing them to look for a different way of life. However, keep in mind that even then, this so-called transformation is often short-lived and they fall back into their exploitative and manipulative ways because they don’t take the time to self-reflect or put in the effort needed to be a better person…and they generally don’t give a shit about it.
