Recovery from abuse is measured over a lifetime, although it often comes in bouts and spurts. Revelation and aha moments come to those who seek them. I often enjoy “unpopular opinion” memes, but tonight I find myself with one of my own. More people avoid recovery than seek it.
The world is full of people who have no opportunity or means to heal, whether from extreme poverty, isolation, or even from not having any spiritual or mental resources for health. But that doesn’t apply to most of the people I come in contact with on a regular basis.
I understand that. Confronting the evils of the past is difficult and painful. It cannot be done quickly, and absolute success cannot be guaranteed. It may take going through a number of churches, counselors, and doctors until we find those who get it, and those who get us. I regularly get asked what I did to get where I am now. I often don’t know how to answer this question because I’m still on the road. I am still fighting for the kind of peace that resides deep in our souls and does not leave us. I still can’t say the names I’ve been called out loud. But I’m more complete than I was. I believe that next year I will be more complete than I am now.
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So for those who have asked the question, here are the ways I fought my way through PTSD, anxiety, dissociation, and codependency:
1: I read books about recovery.
For ten dollars, you can get world-class mentors and counseling appointments with famous doctors and pastors. In fact, I wouldn’t even know that what I experienced was narcissistic abuse if I hadn’t been a reader. This may surprise some of you who follow my posts about narcissistic abuse, but I didn’t find out what it was until years after I left my first husband. But reading is what taught me what is healthy and what is unhealthy.
God has been very good to me. He got me a job at a small Christian college that had the latest books in its library. I had free access to the wisest men and women on the planet. They are the ones who taught me that I am not responsible for my ex’s happiness. These writers taught me that I don’t have to be afraid to tell God who I really am. Those books taught me how to pray. The world of knowledge is at our fingertips. How can we fight for our freedom if we do not prepare ourselves adequately?
2: I got help when and where I could.
My first inner healing appointment was with a chiropractor who happened to be trained in prayer ministry. I went to every trauma recovery conference on family health and healing that was available to me. I even trained in every possible inner healing method so that I could practice it on myself. I was open and if a door appeared, I entered through it.
It takes a lot of humility to seek healing. My first counseling appointment was very stressful. My wise counselor could see through me and I knew it. But I faced tears, embarrassment, and, to my utter surprise, I discovered empathy. I wasn’t alone. What happened to me was really bad. I wasn’t making it up. Best of all I never had to go through it again.
Was this part of recovery difficult? It really was. But when a prayer minister led me through an exercise in which my shame about being offended in the presence of Jesus evaporated, it all became worth it. I owe this blog to the therapists who helped me along the way. I can speak freely about events that most people cover up. I have suffered some horrific abuse and the only shame lies with the abuser.
3: I opened myself to new things.
Sometimes medication is a necessary step on the road to wellness. It’s been part of my journey for a while. Mindfulness, the practice of being present with oneself, seemed simple, but it really worked for me. In the world of inner healing there are methods that shouldn’t work, but they do. I was willing to try anything as long as it didn’t contradict the Bible.
Many people contact me on their recovery journey with a list of things they won’t do, or don’t need. and I understand. After all, one of the most effective things to cure abuse in the afterlife is some control over your life again. But I’ve been rejected by countless people who have asked for my advice but don’t actually want it. I have learned to never offer inner healing to anyone. I know that if they want it, nothing will stop them from getting it.
4: I believe in recovery. I believe in healing.
Trauma Recovery Pin This seems obvious but I’ve found that a large number of people don’t believe they can ever get better. Or they think they don’t need it. It really takes faith to walk this path. While some recoveries are sometimes surprisingly fast, I find that recovery is a journey that you take one step at a time. I think it’s like lifting weights. A bodybuilder does not start with heavy weights; It builds strength over time.
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The same applies to recovery. I had to build tolerance for negative emotions. I couldn’t access my anger for a long time. I stuffed my sadness deep inside. But over time, I learned to feel these difficult feelings and not be afraid of them. When a person can welcome sadness and anger, feel it, and then let it go, then some real healing has occurred. In terms of perspective, it took me more than a decade to confront the devastation. I still struggle with it now as I see the effects of trauma in each of my daughters. But at least I don’t need to numb myself while looking at my list of losses. That’s a win.
5: Stick close to Jesus.
This post makes me a little uncomfortable. Each point begins with the letter “I”. But I only really know what worked for me during the nineteen years I spent my way out of slavery. And Jesus is truly the one who deserves the credit. He brought people into my life who lifted my hand when I was weak. He saved me from me time and time again. He still does.
My blogs sometimes attract negative comments. It usually revolves around accusing God of being a narcissist. This makes me very sad for them. Jesus saved me from every terrible thing that happened to me, as well as from every wrong reaction I had to my attacker.
Jesus takes on His body on the cross all the misery, all the bitterness, embarrassment, anger, and pain that comes to me.
He never stops searching for me, my true self, under all the traumas. And He loves me enough to lead me out of the darkness onto sunlit paths that only He can keep straight and beside the water. Truly, all five of these things only serve to point to Him. It is the door to healing. If he opens a door for you, it will cost you to walk through it. But walking away will cost you a lot.
