Cognitive dissonance occurs when we hold conflicting beliefs at the same time. The results of trying to balance two competing beliefs in one’s mind are often confusion, shame, guilt, and second-guessing oneself. Cognitive dissonance can cause physical harm and is mentally and physically exhausting. A decreased immune system, high blood pressure, in addition to a host of other symptoms can affect the affected person.

Life and circumstances often cause some cognitive dissonance. For example, we know that a certain purchase is not within our budget. We really want this purchase and so we argue with ourselves and use a lot of justification. If we give up, we try to convince ourselves that it was really necessary. If we resist, we tell ourselves that we didn’t really want it in the first place or that it wasn’t cool. In both cases, we are trying to silence one of the two arguing voices in our minds.

Related : Five Signs of a Vulnerable Narcissist

In the hands of the social manipulator, cognitive dissonance is the weapon of choice. If used correctly, it can keep the victim hovering in a zone free of emotional chaos indefinitely. The goal of keeping the victim in a constant state of uncertainty is to maintain power and control. I am often saddened by the number of times victims of abuse tell me that they are still not sure if the abuse they experienced was real. Feeling unreal is certainly a symptom of cognitive dissonance and that the abuser did his job well.

Here are some of the most common examples of how an abuser uses cognitive dissonance against a victim:

Blowing hot and cold

Narcissists are known for wooing with incredible intensity only to turn ice cold for no reason. Their victims are left wondering if all the emotional declarations, gifts and affection were imagined. The abuser often finds the resulting confusion amusing or claims that it was all a misunderstanding. Not all narcissists are looking for commitment. Some like to play the game, causing vulnerable victims to fall in love as a way to boost their egos. At the same time, the person they played became devastated.

Cognitive dissonance can cause a tremendous amount of self-doubt, as intended. Some end up plucking the petals of the endless mental daisy. he likes me. He doesn’t love me. They both feel real which leads to emotional turmoil. If you suddenly find yourself falling for an ardent lover, let him go. The only way out of this mental spiral is to face the bitter truth.

The great coup

I have a dear friend whose partner often says things like I thought others would act this way, but not you… This shameful cognitive dissonance usually comes after I’ve disagreed with him or tried to call him out on some unwanted behavior. Ironically, the narcissist cannot tolerate any level of cognitive dissonance, and therefore if someone presents him with an unpleasant image of himself, he turns them into his victim. All resistance must be crushed.

Some narcissists are so skilled at creating cognitive dissonance that they convince their victims that the abuse is the victim’s fault. I have worked with a number of young people who, despite having been sexually assaulted by their abuser, find it difficult to believe that the assault occurred. On the one hand, they know it happened. They remember the bruises. On the other hand, they also cannot believe that something like this could have happened to them, and their attacker vehemently denies it. Internal turmoil occurs.

The great settlement

One strategy of an emotionally abusive partner is to gradually destroy the victim’s value system. In a Christian marriage, this may seem like a dogmatic insistence on submission. For example, the husband may insist on blind obedience in all matters. This is more common than many women like to admit. That blind obedience begins with small issues but gradually moves to areas of greater moral compromise.

Related : Can Narcissists Change? The Answer is Complicated

And Abigail came to Nabal. And behold, he made a feast in his house like a king’s feast. Nabal was pleased with his heart because he was very drunk, so she told him nothing, little or great, until the morning light. In the morning, when Nabal ran out of wine and his wife told him these words, his heart died in him and he became like a stone (1 Samuel 25: 36-37).

The narcissist’s Achilles’ heel is shame. When Nabal was told that David had barely been prevented from killing him, he remained silent. His pride is diminished and he sinks into a severe depression. It is not from repentance. If he had repented, he would have gone directly to David and asked for his forgiveness. Nabal was exposed, and it was unbearable for him. Ten days later, the Lord brought him out of his misery and the misery of everyone else.

The story ends with Abigail’s marriage to David. Most people seem to treat this as a happy ending. I think it was a rescue from mysterious circumstances. Although I believe David had a special relationship with the Lord, I am not particularly impressed with his shepherding skills. He practiced polygamy, which severely harmed his children. However, Abigail got to live in the palace and I imagine she was grateful for the new life away from Nabal.

Unreasonable behavior, in the end, hurts the narcissist more than anyone else. I like to think that’s the moral of this little Bible story. After all, God certainly honored Abigail’s courage in the face of systemic abuse. This reminds me of when I tend to look unreasonably at the motives of my heart. Am I standing up for something important or am I just sticking to my way?