My first encounter with a truly dangerous narcissistic woman was in the workplace. She was my principal and she made a huge mistake involving the students who were in our care. When I pointed out the mistake over and over again, she didn’t even think for a moment that she might have made a mistake. She became the victim of a smear campaign that eventually led to her departure. Facts are facts, after all, and my words were simply irrefutable.
Because my first experience with narcissism was with my ex-husband, I wasn’t prepared for Jezebel’s intrusion into my life. I think we assume that most narcissists are male. Research indicates that 75% of diagnosed narcissists are male. A female narcissist is harder to spot, mostly because she is smarter at hiding. Some researchers suggest that our society helps women hide their greed beneath our expectations of femininity. Men are expected to be aggressive. We automatically assume that women are motherly or caring when perhaps they hide their brutality better.
So, while male and female narcissists have a lot in common, some of Satan’s tools used by women are more deceptive and harder to detect. Here’s a short list to help you figure out if that difficult woman in your life is more evil than not:
1: Narcissism and pathological envy:
We often mistake jealousy and envy. Jealousy is the fear that our partner may be unfaithful or leave us for someone else. Envy is resentment of any happiness or pleasure that another person has, seeing that this reduces the envious person’s stock of good things. An envious person cannot be happy when there is too much of a good thing. Other people should not have the same good things.
The narcissistic woman sees other women, in particular, as a threat to her fragile ego, and will stop at nothing to destroy the competition. This toxicity usually manifests as subtle bullying or chronic undermining of others. I recently encountered a woman who was regularly lying in the face of every reason to keep everyone on shaky ground. Pathological envy turns others into a list of commodities to be plundered and annihilated to maintain the coveted queen bee status.
2: The narcissistic female and beauty
Sometimes I wonder if our social media helps reinforce the female narcissist. The real rewards are there for the most beautiful woman. Followers and influence are the greatest rewards. The female narcissist is usually materialistic and superficial. She is obsessed with physical perfection. None of her small group of followers will be as beautiful, rich, or powerful as she is.
While we may deny our infatuation with this or that celebrity, the truth is that our culture worships fame, beauty, and wealth. We unwittingly reward this kind of narcissism by clicking on articles or photos of scantily clad celebrities on Instagram. I think there is an inherent reward for the serious narcissistic female. There is always a place at the table for a physically attractive woman. I don’t know which came first; Superficial society or narcissism, but I know they feed each other.
3: Narcissistic Gossip Girl
While both males and females share this trait, women seem to indulge in this vice more freely. The scenario I see most often for the female narcissist is what I think of as the grooming phase. The female narcissist attracts her prey by complaining bitterly about someone else, usually her husband or former best friend. She plays the victim, and the new friend is a little flattered or at least tolerant of the secrets being poured into his ear. The slander then spreads to others in the circle. The narc sets up her network by attracting her new disciples by acting as if the narc has a special insight into everyone’s lives.
Narcissists thrive on lies, so nothing they say can be trusted. Even the fragments of truth they spread are skewed in one way or another. But since the narcissist’s agenda is to “take no prisoners,” it’s only a matter of time until the recruit finds herself at the center of the web of lies. The victim often finds themselves without a job, friends, or reputation.
4: The woman is without a heart
I’m always amazed when I discover someone’s absolute lack of empathy. The strange thing about narcissistic women is that they never understand that they are missing something. I’ve heard so many stories of cruelty that I don’t think the desire to care for others is a given. Narcissistic females make controlling and cruel mothers. They weaken the men in their lives, and worse, they enjoy the pain of others.
My theory is that once a person crosses the line to enjoy other people’s pain, they may have passed the point of no return. I haven’t seen any sadists change, though I’m hesitant to make a definitive statement. Enough humiliation may make a narcissist arrogant, but a thirst for the suffering of others is the epitome of evil.
5: Aging narcissism
We want to believe that with age comes wisdom. Many women who tend to be emotionally vulnerable become softer with age. The Female Narcissist Pin Sympathetic older women bring together the old and young at heart. But age does not guarantee maturity. If anything, angry at her diminishing sexual appeal, the aging narcissist clings to material and personal power. In particular, the daughters of Narcissus should beware. They can find themselves enslaved to constantly demanding, critical mothers, providing care for a woman who will never be happy or grateful.
Since I started this blog, several men have sent me letters describing their wives in excruciating detail. It is difficult for a man to admit that he has been emotionally abused. Of those who wrote, only a few succeeded in leaving and putting together the broken pieces of their lives into something better. But make no mistake. They had to endure the loss of their reputations, friendships, and sometimes their jobs to do so. People tend to believe a battered woman more than a man. An ugly accusation can haunt a man for life. I always tell them to be prepared to get away from everything and be prepared to have a nasty fight in court for custody.
Jezebel, of course, is the most famous narcissistic woman in the Bible. Her predation by stray dogs signifies divine justice against a woman who dedicated herself to destroying God’s presence in Israel. Beware of the narcissistic female. Review this list and walk away before it’s too late. No one walks away unscathed.
