Reconciliation is a world of its own apart from forgiveness. So I hesitated when someone recently asked me: “How long do I need to maintain forgiveness?” Because I realized that the real question was about reconciliation, I did not answer with the standard seventy-by-seven answer. I suppose we never stop forgiving, but knowing when to end futile attempts at reconciliation can be important, even life-saving.
I used to be a champion of reconciliation. What that really means is that I went through the motions of apologizing and accepting the apology as if it meant something. Sometimes they did. Sometimes they didn’t. I thought that if someone apologized to me, Ireconciliation should forgive them immediately. vice versa. After all, this was the game that my ex-husband, who had narcissistic personality disorder, taught me very well.
“I said I was sorry,” he would say, and then go on to explain that God had commanded me to forgive. He’ll be charming and I’ll forgive him easily, looking forward to leaving the latest traumatic events behind me. Then his behavior will improve for a day, a week, or maybe a month at first. But then we end up in the same predicament of taking things too far.
Then there was my side of the unfortunate equation. Because I was afraid of his tantrums, I went to extraordinary lengths to hide anything that might upset him. So I became a prankster. He would rummage through my bag looking for receipts for prohibited purchases (like Diet Coke when I was at work). Or he was looking through my emails and mail. He will definitely find something and ask me to apologize. And I complied.
For me, reconciliation meant injustice, denial, and obvious fear. So I really understand this question. My quest to understand what was happening to me eventually led me to understand the nature of forgiveness and reconciliation. I was never truly forgiving, and no real reconciliation was achieved.
I’m not sure I’ve achieved forgiveness. Anytime I think about it, a new problem comes up and I have to bring it up to God. But I am one hundred percent sure that reconciliation is impossible in this case. Why? Because reconciliation of any kind requires willing participants. Remember that God may have reconciled us to Himself through Jesus. This does not mean in any way that we have reconciled ourselves to him. If only one aspect were necessary, no one would fear hell.
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However, here is my personal list of reasons I finally compiled when I realized that true reconciliation was not only impossible, but also the wrong thing to do.
Reconciliation is:
Impossible with someone you fear
Perhaps terrorism is a better word here. But reconciliation is restoring trust. If you forgive and re-enter a relationship with someone you live in fear of, you are merely continuing the cycle of abuse. A healthy relationship is one in which neither party fears the other. If you live in constant fear, walking on eggshells, you have not truly reconciled. You are just putting your safety at risk.
Impossible with an unrepentant person.
In my case, narcissism destroyed my ex’s conscience. The Holy Spirit brought me out of this marriage. God leads us individually to make decisions about what to do about unrepentant spouses, whether the problem is addiction, mental illness, adultery, or abuse. No matter how eager one party is to reconcile, if the other party refuses to stop the destructive behavior, true reconciliation is impossible. They may still be living together as husband and wife, but they have not reconciled.
Reconciliation is impossible by any means of manipulation.
Feeling guilty will not restore the relationship. Complaining, pleading, and outbursts of anger will not restore the relationship. In reality, no one can force the other into true reconciliation. Love requires freedom, and in resolving troubled relationships, both parties must be free to come and go from the peace table as they choose. Anything else is an allegation.
Reconciliation is impossible without truth.
The problem with lying, whatever its type, is that it is a mask. If you cannot see the other person’s true self, your relationship does not exist. It sounds extreme, but I stand by it. If one partner has entire areas hidden from their partner, the relationship is just a storefront filled with a lot of denial. I’ll put it this way. Every lie told to another person is a step away from that person. It doesn’t take many steps for it to disappear.
Reconciliation is impossible without self-awareness.
Self-awareness is understanding your impact on others. If you don’t truly understand the ways you’re affecting your spouse, friends, or family, you’re not truly bringing everything to the reconciliation table. This goes both ways. After all, seeking to understand as well as striving to be understood is the meat and potatoes of true reconciliation. Often times, we just want the conflict to end. Ending conflict for the sake of ending conflict is merely postponing more conflicts.
I was initially afraid this article would be too negative. After all, we like to throw the Bible verse, “All things are possible with God,” into circumstances we don’t like. But while God is sovereign over all impossibilities, there is one thing He will not do. You see that he is the one who reconciles. Even though He paid the ultimate price for this redemption, He will not impose it on us.
I had to learn to follow his example. I stopped playing the fake forgiveness game and let Him speak the truth into my heart. And sometimes reconciliation happens in my life. Often times, this does not happen. Loving our enemies can turn them into friends, but we must be prepared for the fact that this may not happen. After all, even God has haters.
If you are not sure whether reconciliation is possible, try asking the Holy Spirit if He is asking you to be in a relationship with this person. Seek His will first before you assume you must live in fear or with abuse. God honors and values people above institutions like marriage. We get that backwards sometimes. Follow Him and surrender yourself, and He will guide you in all matters, including irreconcilable relationships, both now and forever.
