It can be difficult to spot a vulnerable narcissist. Like a covert narcissist or someone who hides his tendencies behind a facade of good behavior while undermining others, a vulnerable narcissist has his facade. As the name suggests, a vulnerable narcissist hides behind a facade of weakness. The other two types are easy to detect. After all, the grandiose narcissist always toots his horn, but the malicious one has a mean streak a mile wide.
My first encounter with a vulnerable narcissist was a literary experience. C.S. Lewis describes one of them in his book, The Screwtape Letters, very effectively as the mother of the main character. She holds her son in an emotional prison, making extreme demands of her and requiring constant support. The phrase I always think of is when she says, “All I want is some weak tea and a little toast.” Now Lewis is not writing about a vulnerable narcissist; He writes about gluttony. But her complaint bears all the hallmarks of vulnerable narcissism. She acts as an accomplished victim in her interactions with her son.
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It may be tempting to attribute more innocent motives to the vulnerable narcissist but make no mistake. Their goal is to control you as a resource to boost their fragile self-esteem. Their methods differ from other narcissists who do not show any weakness. For this type of toxic person, weakness is their currency. I’m thinking of the poem “Sirene’s Song, read Siren’s Song here” by Margaret Atwood. If you remember your Western Civilization class in college, you probably remember that Odysseus sailed across the island of Sirens, clinging to the mast of his ship. No one can resist their invitation. For Atwood, the siren’s cry is “Save me!” Only you can help me! No suitable partner can resist such a request!
So, if you have someone who requires constant attention or drains you regularly, you’re probably dealing with that person. So, in no particular order, here are the main signs of a vulnerable narcissist:
1: Everything revolves around their feelings.
Because the vulnerable narcissist is often highly sensitive, he pulls everyone around him into the orbit of his suffering. Every conversation revolves around them and their terrible suffering. If you try to bring up some of your feelings, attention will quickly be diverted back to their much more important love life. All conversations revolve around them.
The caveat to this is that sometimes we become human vortexes that absorb the emotional energy around us. This occurs after trauma and is a stage of recovery. The vulnerable narcissist never gets over this. The average person feels shy about taking up all the conversation time. Not so VN.
2: The vulnerable narcissist is chronically unappreciated.
While arrogant and malignant narcissists see themselves as perfect and naturally assume that everyone else views them that way, VN is a little different. They consider themselves idealists; However, no one appreciates true, flawless gems. The constant cry of any narcissist is that he or she has been deceived by a cruel world. As for VN, they don’t get the recognition they deserve!
3: The vulnerable narcissist suffers from chronic depression.
The VN has a lot of mood swings. Many of them revolve around the fact that the life they live, and the environment they live in are weak narcissists, and the people in that life fail to live up to their high standards. They often live in a fantasy world where everything is supposed to go their way and everyone is supposed to give them what they want. When this inevitably fails to materialize, the vulnerable narcissist sinks into a deep depression. Nothing ever goes their way and no one gives them their due, at least in their minds. Everyone and everything conspires to let them down. No wonder they end up depressed.
4: VN usually withdraws from the relationship.
While other types of narcissists require relationships as a source of supply, the vulnerable narcissist often becomes deeply introverted. Their logic is that no one lives up to their standards. Relationships prove to be a disappointment to them and so they often live in a fantasy world where they create the perfect friend, woman, or man. Of course, no real person can ever live up to an illusion, so he tends to be alone, singing his song about chronic disillusionment with the human race.
Related : Five Traits of the Female Narcissist
Another unfortunate consequence of this withdrawal is that VN often ends relationships abruptly. If you’ve been ghosted, you may find that if you look closely, you’ve been on the receiving end of vulnerable narcissism. Let them go! On the other hand, if you try to be friends with someone bitter and introverted, make sure you have good boundaries. Otherwise, you may find yourself trying to rescue a VN that is only too happy to have you in its clutches. For a while at least. Also, check your codependent tendencies. Tell yourself (as I tell myself) that there is only one Savior and I am not him.
5: Unlike its counterparts, VNs are not glamorous.
Do you remember the popular kids in high school? Some of them were famous because they were mean. They rarely deign to talk to anyone outside their group. It was precisely this uniqueness that made her seem desirable. Well, this is a trick that VN uses to attract people towards it. Unlike other forms of narcissism that appear charming and kind, this malignant type of narcissism uses arrogance and condescension to attract people. These victims with low self-esteem are often drawn to the isolated VN. If they can gain the friendship of a hard-to-get person, maybe they’re worth something.
Because of the isolated nature of vulnerable narcissists, their trolling grounds are often found online. As a faith blogger, I sometimes receive harsh critical comments from people who don’t realize I’m dealing with them. They usually tell me how I have failed God, misused the Bible, and/or that I am destined to go to hell. Clergy are sometimes that way. They criticize harshly without having the relationship or love needed to correct others. They ban anyone whose opinion differs from theirs, primarily because VN is always right and everyone else is always wrong.
Just like any type of narcissism, we can all have tendencies without suffering from a full-blown personality disorder. But like other forms with which we are more familiar, it would do us well to remember that some people are best avoided at all costs. I think of the term equal yoke. In a sermon I once heard, the pastor told us that it was the weaker animal that killed the stronger animal by slow strangulation. Why associate yourself with someone whose moral and emotional weakness will slowly destroy you? Do not cast your pearls before swine. As the Bible says in Acts 5:38: “Therefore my advice is: Leave these men alone.” Let them go.
