While the spiritual narcissist has a lot in common with the average narcissist in your garden, the spiritual narcissist tends to control more people. You can find it in almost any religion and denomination. Religion is often a huge attraction for narcissists. Spiritual authority is mysterious. Many people who claim to have it, don’t. But with enough threatening and authoritarian attitudes, others are sure to appear to have spiritual authority.
Pastors are not the only ones who are often described as spiritual narcissists. I have seen many Bible studies being put to rest as members of the acquisition phase. Church divisions are often the result of the maneuvering of this or that spiritual narcissist. Moral failure is often blamed, but I’ve found that the breakdown usually includes someone who fits the following grid:
1: The spiritual narcissist criticizes others regularly and harshly.
Gossip is a tempting way to gain followers. When someone in authority tells us personal information about others, we often feel discriminated against in a good way as if the leader is entrusting us with private information. This is just a typical way to gain narcissistic followers. If a pastor or teacher shares information about themselves, it’s an honor. If they share the private information of others, they are looking to glorify themselves and peg you as a follower. Everyone wants to be noticed by their pastor or other leader.
Or they bring others down from the pulpit. This includes other spiritual leaders, churches, celebrities, etc. The typical manipulative maneuver of saying bad things about others always seems to elevate the speaker and suggest to the group or audience that they too are better than other groups or audiences. Pastors have tricked me into this more than once. Be careful. A godly man does not speak ill of others, especially those who are not there to defend themselves.
2: Spiritual narcissists only choose those they always want to agree with to be in their immediate circle.
If you notice that all church council members or all deacons are particularly vulnerable individuals, be skeptical. They may be sincere, humble believers doing beautiful acts of service, but if none of them disagree or question the leader, they are carefully selected sheep. It is situations like this that allow churches to wander into illegal or immoral territory. If no one can question a leader’s policies or actions, few ethical problems generally arise.
The issue always comes back to power. Who owns it and what do they do with it? The church should not be a totalitarian system, but rather a family with different roles to play. If your pastor only hires subservient assistant pastors or those with much weaker personalities than him, your church may have a problem.
3: Every spiritual narcissist is boastful.
I have never seen this rule so controversial. The way spiritual narcissists brag is a little different from other types of narcissists. One tactic is to flaunt your humility. God has used me to do some amazing things. They appear to be glorifying God, but their actual motive is to make sure you know that God has chosen them to do unique things. God chooses some people to do incredible things. It’s a matter of what the leader focuses on. Another way a spiritual narcissist brags is through numbers. How big is their church, how many churches do they sponsor, how much money is coming in, the list goes on. The delicate issue here is competition. If the unspoken suggestion is that this church or pastor is more effective in the kingdom than others, that too is boasting.
Finally, they constantly point out their successes and projects. Self-promotion is a necessary evil when it comes to books and blogs. I learned this the hard way. But if someone dominates every conversation with a list of their latest accomplishments from important trips to speaking tours, you may have a narc on your hands.
4: Spiritual narcissists do not recognize boundaries.
While gossiping is one way to cross boundaries, there are quite a few other ways that still exist. Does the pastor invade conversations? Does he or she ask what others have said? Narcs are always somewhat paranoid that they will be discovered, but they are also looking for information they can use. The spiritual narcissist will extract information from the victim for later use. I’ve known people who trust a pastor only to find a narcissistic peacock out of the spirit that the entire church is talking about their cause. It gets even scarier when strangers come up and announce that they are praying for you for such and such.
Another way a spiritual narcissist crosses the line is by calling out a member on an issue that is not a problem. I visited a church where the pastor reprimanded those who did not pay their tithes in full. He called them into the microphone at a service. In another case, a priest inquired about the sex life of a woman whose husband took long business trips. If you feel uncomfortable about the conversations you have with any leader, beware. Trust your gut.
5: Like all other narcissists, spiritual narcissists lack empathy.
Since Christianity begins with a tremendous act of love, most pastors preach it often. But watch to see if they’re putting their money where their mouth is. Confessing love is not the same as acting in love. In all honesty, narcissists claim to be in love all the time. Sometimes they shout it from the rooftops. But is there evidence of love in their family? How do they treat each other? This is not about ordinary marital issues. After all, the pressure on any spiritual leader’s marriage is intense. But how do they talk about each other? How does the family react?
I know some pastors who are very gifted in love. Once one has experienced a truly generous and giving pastor, it becomes even more apparent when one encounters a lesser leader. I watched as a great pastor who I knew loved every member of his congregation. The love just oozed out of him. He rarely talked about his amazing achievements. He cried with sadness and lifted the weak. He rejoiced when his group shared their successes. His church was not large, and he had no books to sign or conferences to run. Instead, he formed a network of pastors who helped each other when needed. Come to think of it, he looked a lot like Jesus.
My last word will probably be unpopular. Many church members stay in dead or dying churches because they feel misplaced loyalty. Their families have attended for years. They know a lot of people there. The list goes on. Sometimes Jesus invites us to certain churches for a certain period. I am not against that. What I disagree with is church worship. We often make an idol of a particular church for our reasons. If you hate going to your church or feel like your pastor isn’t a good person, why stay? We are called to follow Jesus. Sometimes that means venturing outside the four walls of a given building. Don’t let guilt or obligation keep you from spiritual growth. Putting Jesus first may lead to some surprising decisions, but I promise you that following Jesus is safer than anyone else.
