I’ve been asked a lot why I stayed if my ex was so terrible. The question always brings pain to my heart, because I wish I hadn’t. But looking back, the answer to this question is very complex. For several reasons, abused women remain extremely difficult, reasons that are not immediately obvious. It has taken a great deal of prayer and spiritual and emotional growth to get to the point where I can see enough to leave.

Part of the reason I’m writing about this topic is because I receive a constant stream of emails from women struggling with this very dilemma. Leaving may seem impossible, even dangerous. But survival feels like a yoke made of lead. Finally, I decided to leave when I realized that staying would cost me my life. It sounds exciting, but living wishing you were dead is not living. I felt that death was better than living with him.

So these are the reasons why I stayed. I find that most women who contact me stay for the same reasons. My experience is not unique, unfortunately.
Reason to stay #1:

He begged me to stay. Narcissists can be very persuasive. My ex-husband was crying and begging. He even went to counseling briefly. I ran away from why women keep a pin four times. In three of these, he came up behind me, wooing me with all the force of his attractive personality. He was intellectually intelligent and spent hours trying to get back into the relationship. The first two times he forced his way into my good graces with promises of change. Little did I know that he would only be fixed for a couple of months until his behaviors started to slip into the old ways.

It turns out that narcissists often “lure” their victims into staying. The actual phrase is love bombing. If they were terrible all the time, no woman would be attracted. But they know what to say and how to make their victims feel as if they are the center of their world. Overly romantic and luxurious statements are intended to drive their hooks deeper into their victims. Just enough good times often keep a woman in the cycle of waiting for more.

Reason to stay #2:

I felt shy. The church does not provide much support for women who want to leave their husbands. Unless there was physical abuse, most of the priests I turned to advised me to stay put. One of them gave me the excuse that he knew some women whose husbands were miserable but it was their duty to stay. The message I received over and over again was that the institution of marriage was more important than my life, my sanity, or my children’s emotional well-being.

Townsend and Cloud, authors of Boundaries and Changes That Heal, gave me the courage to walk away with their understanding of emotional abuse. I often find myself advising women to leave their churches and find a church that truly supports them. Given the opportunity, the narcissist will often lure the pastor or other church members into believing he is the perfect husband and father.

Reason #3:

I was alone. The narcissist isolates his victim. I know many women find themselves very alone in their quest to leave. I found out after I left that my ex would threaten my friends and neighbors to leave me alone. I remember one phone call where an acquaintance recounted all the terrible things my ex-husband had said about me. She said she walked away because it was clear the situation was unhealthy.

My ex-husband had isolated himself to the point of moving us to a cabin in the Kentucky wilderness, ten miles from a town of 2,000 and forty from the nearest town of 15,000. We were literally in the middle of nowhere. I still managed to make friends here and there, but none of them stayed for long.

Reason to stay #4:

Why do women stay in my place? I was terrified. Narcissists make terrible threats. He convinced me he had things that would put me in prison. I knew I had done nothing wrong, but he had fourteen years to terrify me of what he could do. I finally felt that even being wrongfully imprisoned for something would be better than the extreme humiliation he put me through.

All my ex cared about was complete control over me and our girls. He will stop at nothing to achieve this. I even found him trying to use brainwashing techniques sometimes. Gaslighting was a regular event. I can say without a doubt that the reason I stayed as safe as I did was because of my relationship with God.
Reason No. 5:

I wasn’t sure I could support myself and my daughters. Turns out I can. But I never had access to our money, even the money I earned. After I left, I discovered that he never paid the bills that were in my name. I had to liquidate my credit which he tried to destroy without my knowledge.

However, my father and God’s provision have kept us in good stead. I always had a decent job, and eventually remarried to a man who was very generous to me and my girls. Overall, even though food stamps came in to help us sometimes, my girls got everything they needed.

I often receive emails from women in very similar situations to mine. I don’t quite know what to tell them other than to develop a real sensitivity to the Holy Spirit. I wouldn’t have had the courage or the help if I hadn’t been in tune with what he was telling me.

But I know that God is close to the widow and the orphan. The narcissist died from the inside, so I considered myself a widow. The Lord has led me to freedom and a life of ups and downs, but this is real life. I will never forget the words my advisor said to me years later. She told me that if I never did something brave again like leaving my narcissistic abuser, that was enough. I escaped a destroyer and saved my children in the process.

Reason to stay #2:

Reason #3:

Reason to stay #4:

Trending now