When we look at narcissistic behavior in the context of an intimate relationship, we see the devastating impact, an impact that is often unknown to both parties. The narcissist inherently behaves in ways that meet the criteria for emotional and psychological abuse: behavior sometimes called narcissistic abuse. To recover from narcissistic abuse, a partner needs to heal. This process begins with recognizing the hurtful behaviors and identifying the injuries they cause to those they claim to love.
Definition
Narcissists are often described as self-absorbed and preoccupied with their feelings and interests. They expect others to glorify them with positive attention. They feel entitled to do things their way and believe they are superior and know everything. They lack empathy for others and refuse to take responsibility for their behavior.
Use of Deception
Across the board, clients with narcissistic partners feel cheated after spending time in the relationship. The original presentation of the person they fell in love with no longer holds up. Most claim that once they commit to live together or get married, their “loving partner” changes. What they begin to experience is tension and conflict, as their partner emphasizes the need to have things their way, and over time shows less interest and concern for their thoughts and feelings unless they serve them.
Abusive Behavior
The following traits strongly influence the narcissist’s interactions with their intimate partner, who over time suffers a decline in their emotional well-being.
Lack of Empathy. The failure to show empathy for others is perhaps the primary characteristic of the narcissist. Many of the narcissist’s interactions (as described below) are aimed at deceiving the partner without remorse. In reality, however, someone who has the capacity for empathy will not act without empathy toward someone they care about.
Claims Superiority/Knows the Truth. To support their belief in superiority, narcissists expect their partner to agree and view them as a know-it-all. Any thoughts or opinions that do not reflect what the narcissist needs or expects to hear can lead to manifestations of demeaning, belittling, and even intimidating responses toward the partner.
If the narcissist does not respond in the moment, the partner may learn to fear retaliation later. The partner realizes that the grief of talking to the narcissist is too much to bear. They keep their thoughts to themselves. Ultimately, they are at risk of losing touch with their feelings, opinions, and sense of self.
They are entitled to have things their way. The narcissist feels entitled to control the relationship by making important decisions, having the final say, and not asking for their partner’s input. The partner is seen as less of a separate person and more of an extension of the narcissist. The partner’s strengths are not seen as valuable unless they help the narcissist. When they do not, the partner’s strengths become threats that must be minimized and undermined through demeaning, critical attacks.
In response to the coercion, the narcissist’s partner may become confused and anxious, and over time, suffer from low self-esteem, self-worth, and loss of agency over their life.
Never Takes Responsibility or Apologizes. Narcissists avoid taking responsibility for their behavior at all costs and never feel the need to sincerely apologize. Distorting, denying, and lying serve the narcissist’s avoidance of responsibility. Narcissists may spin a story or rewrite reality to blame their partner for even things that the partner could not realistically have done.
Partners of narcissists may gradually lose confidence in their perception of reality. Over time, they may internalize accusations of blame, albeit false, into negative beliefs about themselves. Because of their low self-esteem, partners are more likely to take the blame for problems in the relationship and allow the narcissist to escape responsibility.
What to Do If You’re Partnered with a Narcissist
While it can be difficult, some narcissists can change. The first place to focus on change is not with the narcissist but with their partner. First, the narcissist’s partner needs to heal from the hurt caused by narcissistic abuse and develop the emotional strength to stand firm and address their concerns with their narcissistic partner. Without this step, the narcissist will continue to hurt and exploit their partner.
Recovery work helps partners move from confusion to clarity about their experience. It also helps partners develop confidence in their perceptions and judgment and embrace their positive qualities as self-confidence returns. From this strong place, partners can feel empowered to hold the narcissist accountable for their behavior.
Once faced with the threat of losing a partner or family, the narcissist may feel motivated to work toward change. Help on two fronts is important and necessary for narcissists: (1) They are helped when the partner is clear about expectations and consistently follows through on consequences for abusive behavior. This type of influence is helpful for the narcissist in staying committed to improving his or her traits and behavior. (2) At the same time, the narcissist will benefit most from engaging in therapy or some type of help outside the relationship.
