I first met the deceased at a tryout for my middle school football team. Naturally, I joined the team, but the deceased did not. He was a great athlete, and a great water boy throughout my stellar career.
In fact, that is why I nicknamed him “Water Boy.” His nickname for me was “God.” Just kidding.
During my days as a star athlete, I relied on the water boy to bring me my towel and my refreshments, which helped me play well, always. Thank you, dear departed water boy.
In high school, the water boy began dating Janet, the prettiest girl in our class. Fortunately for me, the deceased did not mind Janet leaving him for me. Now Janet is my beautiful wife sitting there with our three wonderful children. I love you, my dear.
Fortunately for me, and for my lifelong friendship with him, which lasted throughout his life, the water boy gave me a job when I was laid off from Dickerson, Fritz & Fogarty. Why do they hire attractive secretaries in the first place?
And now, when I have to say my final goodbyes to Waterboy.
I will try to keep this short, because nobody likes long speeches. My lovely wife told me I shouldn’t talk about myself. What did she expect? Hell, this is a eulogy!
And I forgive you for not inviting me to speak here today, but I knew I should just talk about my great friendship with the deceased, which as I said lasted throughout his life.
I know, more than anything, Waterboy, that you will miss me.
