Do you still feel insecure in a relationship even after reading The Last Post about how to stop feeling insecure in a relationship?
That’s because the last post was about insecurity in your relationships and we haven’t yet dealt with the insecurity in one relationship that you will never be able to afford to give up – the one you have with yourself.
If you feel insecure in your relationships it is because deep down, you feel insecure with who you are. Sometimes feeling insecure in life is inevitable. You can have healthy levels of self-esteem, self-love, confidence, boundaries, and it doesn’t matter. Sometimes insecurity creeps in and hits you like a lot of bricks.
As I said in the last post, if you have healthy levels of self-esteem and boundaries, you’ll be able to constantly talk yourself out of your triggers and move on. If not, and you are as I used to be (vibration ball, sweating, self-sabotage, toxic magnetic ball), keep reading.
Before we get into everything, I want to share one of my favorite quotes from one of my favorite books, Rabbit Plush. It’s important because when it comes to feeling insecure in a relationship (especially the one you have with yourself), every step of recovery is linked to this quote:
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“The real one is not how it’s made,” said the leather horse. It’s something that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long time, not just to play with him, but loves you, you become real.’
‘Does it hurt? The rabbit asked.
‘Sometimes,’ said the leather horse, because he was always honest. When you’re real, you don’t mind getting hurt.’
‘Doesn’t it happen every time, like being wound,’ he asked,’ or little by little?’
‘This doesn’t happen all at once,’ said the leather horse. ‘You’re getting. It takes a long time. That is why it does not happen very often to people who break easily or have sharp edges, or who must be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are real, most have taken your hair off, your eyes will leak and you get loose at the joints and very shabby. But these things don’t matter at all, because once you become real, you can’t be ugly, except for people who don’t understand.”
? Margery Williams, The Velvet Rabbit
Here’s how to stop feeling insecure in the relationship that binds you to yourself, once and for all:
- Keep it real.
This quote is one of my favorites because it is very true. I remember when I was little, mom, dad, grandparents, everyone was trying to buy me a new toy. Why?: Because I refused to give up lemon, my favorite stuffed animal that resided in its area code of disease and filth. The lemon looked like something chewed by a wild animal and vomited ten times. He was missing an eye and his head bobbed back and forth because when I held him, he was always by the neck so he had no more filler in his neck. Everyone in the family can smell the lemon aroma from a distant room. I couldn’t even part with him long enough for Mom to wash him. There was nothing in this world compared to a lemon and nothing that anyone could give me that would distract my attention and love away from it – no matter how shiny and new it was.
That’s why I love children, animals, and the elderly. They gravitate towards what is real and recognize eternal beauty in reality because that is what they emit. “Once you become real, you can’t be ugly, except for people who don’t understand.”The story of Lemon and I is probably not unfamiliar. This is the way children are and frankly, as insecure and stubborn as adults can get, they will always appreciate realism because it is rare in this world – especially today.
Being real gives you that indefinable quality that attracts people to you and makes them want to get to know you more. Being real is something that cannot be bought, sold, or given. How to become real? You become real the day you decide to prioritize the material at the Trans-surface level (a high level that you will experience only if you are insecure).
If we’re lucky, everyone we know will be ashes or 6 Feet Under in a matter of decades, and believe me, those decades will fly by faster than you can imagine. There is no need to panic, just be. Be yourself, be unapologetically kind about it, and understand that the world will adapt.
- Disable.
After I graduated from college, a family member told me that it was good that I was now getting a college degree because I would not be the most beautiful girl in the room. I can’t even begin to tell you how much this statement destroyed and haunted me for years to come. I got deep into jealousy, seeking validation, comparison, and self-sabotage.
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Now, I can see that the only reason this statement affected me on the level it did was because a part of me thought it was true.
All it takes is this .000001 % of you think that maybe, just maybe, hurtful behavior or words directed at you are true (which are generally activated by old childhood insecurities/pains/beliefs), and TA-DA! She was knocked down, again.
If someone comes up to me and says that my hair is ugly blue, I won’t run to the first available mirror to make sure that my hair is brown, I just think that the person is crazy. But if a part of me thinks I can have one strand of blue hair? They will activate insecurity, I would amplify it, and my actions, beliefs, and perceptions will only permeate.Like.That.
Remember: no one can activate non-existent insecurity. If it does not exist, it can never be activated. Period. Deactivate the personal insecurity alarm system today and change the passcode for good instead of giving it out at every turn.
- Listen to your instinctual feelings (instead of ignoring them) so that you can act on your intuition.
Listening to your intuition is the only direct way to build your self-esteem and boundaries. It proves that you have your back and that you can trust your instincts. It’s the way you become real.
Stop trying to never feel insecure. Feeling insecure is a normal part of life. Instead, make the committed decision to always have your back and never ignore your instinctive feelings again.
- Treat yourself well.
When learning how to stop being a doormat, it is necessary to start showing trust, respect, compassion, and kindness. Once you do this, you will become more attuned when others fail to treat you with the same respect.
You will not only stop assigning hurtful behavior to others, but you will forgive yourself for past mistakes and finally begin to move on.
The reason my insecurities are so fleeting now is that I allow myself to be vulnerable and honest. I was at a party a few weeks ago and for whatever reason, I suddenly felt very insecure. The second she admitted how I was feeling, instead of trying to embarrassingly avoid, deny, compensate-she freed me. Complete freedom.
Finally, remember that you can always return to insecurity. If trying to work on being/feeling more secure doesn’t suit you, you can always get rid of it. Your fears, doubts, and insecurities will bring you back in a hot minute, I promise.
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