I learned to escape into false shelters early in my first marriage. My first marriage taught me that I couldn’t trust God. After all, I prayed extensively for my ex-husband and nothing ever happened. He must be one of the most praying people on the planet as my mother spent a lot of her prayer time going to him as well. Because my prayers didn’t work and God didn’t change my ex from a narcissistic abuser to a good man, I lost my trust in the God who changes people. I haven’t prayed for people for a long time. I didn’t think it would do any good.
The abuse also taught me not to trust myself. Staying in an abusive relationship requires a lot of self-deception. I rarely see this mentioned in the literature on domestic violence, but another reason I don’t trust myself is because I lied to myself all the time. I lived in a constant state of denial, and the lies I told myself were often in conflict with each other. he will change. If you are good enough, it will change. His abuse isn’t so bad. I can handle it. I’m doing the right thing for the kids.
The gaslight didn’t help either. My ex-husband used to call me a pathological liar. He would do something unforgivable. I would protect him from lying, and then he would call me crazy. I had a hard time understanding reality. I lived in false shelters of denial and numbness in order to survive.
And of course the lies I told myself shifted the responsibility from him to me. I have always taken responsibility for him, apologized for him, explained his behavior, and defended him to the world. I couldn’t trust people because I couldn’t be trusted! I showed the world what I wanted them to see. My trust has been betrayed by my husband-turned-enemy to the point where I don’t think I can trust anyone anymore. Experience has taught me that no one is what they seem.
You see, trust is a precious commodity these days, and as Christians, we are often wrongly taught that we cannot trust ourselves. Instead of learning to be true to ourselves, we are often encouraged to pretend to be something we are not. We’re trying to fake it until we make it, as the cliche goes. We are also taught to pray in a way that God does not answer, and then we learn not to trust Him either. I could pray for my narcissistic lover all I wanted, but God would not give up His gift of free will. I wanted God to be in control, but He’s not. I prayed my ex would be someone he wasn’t. Please do not read this as a statement that prayer does not work. It’s just that when I started listening to God, He asked me to leave. He knew my ex better than me.
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Betrayal piles on top of betrayal of the truth and we lose our trust in anyone and everyone. Friendships end, businesses fail, and people get sick. We lose faith in the idea that life is good. After all, this is a very isolated place to live. Our hearts long to find a safe haven in relationship. If we lack these important skills, we resort to false shelters.
There is no refuge without trust.
Without trust, there is no peace and no feeling of security. But, you see, the reason we don’t believe in trust anymore is because we resort to false shelters. Our minds and wills invent false shelters in order to create a feeling of comfort and protection outside of God. We are very skilled at justifying our false refuge as being from Him. We are very creative in our construction of them.
So how did I relearn how to trust God? And myself? By understanding what I need. I need protection. I need some rest. Value, purpose, love, power, well-being, affection, acceptance. I cannot achieve unless I have someone who listens to me and understands me. Fake shelters pretend to offer these things, but in the end, we leave us empty and dry.
I thought I didn’t need anything. After all, I could bury myself in a book and forget everything. I can relax in a hot bath and put away the inevitable for at least half an hour. I thought meeting my needs was hopeless, so I gave up and called it surrender to God. I worked hard to get approved. I have called my continuing pursuit of spiritual discipline. If we accept emptiness and call it surrender to God, we have turned it into a false refuge.
I thought God was calling me to give up my needs. A God who invites you to pretend that you do not have deep needs is a false God. Our false beliefs about God are often a false refuge. My revelation was that He wanted me to die to my sinful ways of meeting my needs so He could fill them. He gave me needs that only He could fill. My needs are not flaws or weaknesses. My needs are legitimate and important. So it is for you.
This is where the rubber meets the road. Once our safe place is exposed as a lie, we deny it, downplay it, blame others, or make excuses in order to cling to that false refuge. And we all have more than one. The typical false refuge map looks like a path that goes from anger to self-defense to withdrawal and self-pity and then to our favorite: addiction. Food, spending, television, romance novels, gossipy conversations… you name it. Each one masquerades as something that will fill you right up and then doesn’t.
Our disappointment in God and in ourselves grows with time. We go to church, pray for others, and try to be good, without realizing that our hearts have hardened over time to protect painful, unfulfilled needs that are destroying us from the inside out. Our false refuges push us further away from God and closer to the world.
Common false shelters:
Imagination, hesitation, comparison, victim mentality
Indifference, helplessness, pride, cynicism
The need to be right, denial, control, blame, complain, be a martyr
Food, alcohol, sugar, drugs, adrenaline, caffeine
Busyness, workaholism, social media, cleaning, perfectionism
I had to relearn what safety really is. My hope is in the Lord, in whom I trust. He will never allow me to be disgraced. I’m in a game of chicken with myself. I leave my false ports behind and wait. Am I suffering? Yes. I must acknowledge and feel my needs. But the freedom of leaving them behind is indescribable, especially since it is the Lord who follows me in the middle of autumn. I find out he didn’t fire me. I’ve been hiding in my unsafe havens.
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With the Lord, I can face the deep wells of need within me and let Him touch each one of them, drawing them to the surface and healing their wounds. I have relearned to trust God by abandoning escape routes. I felt the pang of my need and invited Him in. It doesn’t happen overnight, but it does happen. Now the road map to peace looks a little different. When negative feelings hit me, I sit with them for a while. If I’m tempted to eat a plate of cake or do some retail therapy, I wait first. I remember the emptiness that remained even after I distracted myself. I choose not to avoid the void.
I have learned to trust myself by listening to the cries of my heart. My heart, where Jesus is enthroned. The entire time I was married to my ex, I knew I was starving for freedom and love. I made the mistake of ignoring my grief and pain. The moment I started facing what I really felt, and started telling myself the truth, is the moment I started trusting myself.
