how many friends do you have?
five? ten? Maybe 40.
In the age of Facebook and Snapchat, it all seems like a numbers game: the more famous you are, the more friends and followers you will have online.
But here’s the thing:
Quantity is never a good indicator of quality.
You may have reached your Facebook limit of 5,000 friends but still feel lonely.
Sometimes, you don’t even receive messages from people you think are close to you.
But do you know what’s the worst thing?
Having fake friends.
In my experience, these are people who associate themselves with you for the wrong reasons. Even if you expect to have a good time, you are sure to eventually have a terrible experience with these supposedly good friends.
A friendship with a fake friend can also be described as a toxic friendship.
According to Kelly Campbell, a psychology professor at California State University, “A toxic friendship violates the norms and expectations of friendship.”
“Friends should have your best interests at heart, advocate for you in your absence, keep your secrets, treat you with respect, be trustworthy and supportive, and be happy with your successes,” she says.
According to Campbell, when these standards are not adhered to, it becomes a “toxic friendship.”
I tend to agree with this.
So how do you tell a fake friend from a real friend?
Here are what I think are 5 common signs:
1) They do not tolerate differences in opinion
See, true friends are always joking and arguing about trivial and serious matters.
Fake friends discuss these things too, but here’s the difference:
They won’t let you win.
These “friends” won’t let you rest until they show you exactly how healthy they are.
Somehow, they are the ones who know the full context and have all the right opinions.
In other words:
Fake friends need complete and unearned support, and there is no room for compromise.
Stephanie Safran at Bustle says this is a clear sign of a toxic friend:
And you know what?
This is bad for your emotional and mental health.
You should have a way to express your opinions without being harassed. If your opinion is discriminatory, you should be reprimanded peacefully.
And if they’re the ones saying offensive things, they should acknowledge it, too.
Unfortunately, fake friends have this problem:
They find it difficult to accept that they are wrong. It’s as if you’re just there to please them all the time.
You are not their friend.
In reality:
You are just someone who is expected to echo your opinions. If you continue to disagree with them, they will stop talking to you until you ask for forgiveness.
“Respect” is a foreign word to them.
Related:
2) They make excuses and break their promises
There is a very common saying about friendship.
It goes something like this:
“True friends will always support you.”
Although this is not entirely true, because even best friends have many responsibilities, it still helps us understand why we want to have real friends.
In return, your fake friends won’t care.
Absolutely.
And you know what?
We got it. It’s completely understandable to decline an invitation to hang out if you’re busy. Friends should not force friends to participate in social activities.
But always being unavailable?
This is a distinctive feature of fake friends.
According to Dana Peters, a life, wellness, and recovery coach, “If you are needy and you notice a pattern of your friend making excuses or simply disappearing – you may be in a toxic friendship.”
If you have fake friends in your life who are stressing you out, you simply have to learn how to stand up for yourself.
Because you have a choice in the matter.
One resource I highly recommend is Ideapod’s free, very powerful lessons on love and intimacy. Check it out here.
In this masterclass, world-renowned shaman Rudá Iandê will help you identify the difference between fake friends and real friends so that you can empower yourself to create change.
Most importantly, it will teach you a powerful framework that you can start applying today to truly free yourself from fake and toxic people.
Full disclosure: I watched this 60-minute course and found it extremely valuable as a way to improve my relationships.
The thing is, Rudá Iandê is not a typical shaman.
As he spends time with indigenous tribes in the Amazon, singing shamanic songs and playing drums, he is different in an important way. Rhoda made shamanism relevant to modern-day society.
He communicates and interprets his teachings to people living ordinary lives. People like you and me.
3) You are just an emotional outlet for them
We’ve all had this experience:
After class or work, you meet your best friend and talk about anything and everything.
You ask each other questions:
“how is work?”
“Did you see anyone you’re attracted to today?”
“What book are you reading now?”
The point is that you share moments.
You both feel lighter and richer – knowing that someone is willing to listen to you and vice versa.
So what’s the deal with fake friends?
Well, they’re still listening to your rants. And you are all ears when it is time to speak out.
But here’s the problem:
They are more keen to scream rather than rave when they are with you. What’s worse is that they listen to the advice they ask for, but they won’t change their ways.
In short: You’re just there so they can vent about everything.
According to Susan Diggs White Ph.D. In Psychology Today, this is a clear sign of a toxic relationship:
Maybe something good happened to them yesterday. However, they will focus on the bad things that happened to them yesterday. Or throughout the week. Or even the last few months.
Do you know about stress management?
This is why some people practice yoga every weekend. Some play video games. Others read a book while drinking a good cup of coffee. Then some scream into their pillow.
However, even the latter option is better than what fake friends do:
You are their chosen way to de-stress.
And that’s all there is to it. They will not change their ways. They don’t get any better after unleashing all their frustrations on you.
Why?
Because you remove all the emotional burden from your fake friends. They can then continue to live in toxic relationships or not be productive all the time.
4) They are only there to get what they want
According to Dr. Susan DeJesus White, a red flag of a toxic friend is if your friend “seems to only ‘like’ you or wants to spend time with you when they need something from you.”
Have you encountered this?
While you’re browsing Facebook, a friend request suddenly appears.
I checked it, and you are amused:
It’s someone you know at work or school.
You never interacted beyond the usual greetings when seeing each other in the elevator or down the hall. You can’t even remember their names.
“But so what?”
You then proceed to accept their friend request. She soon realizes the purpose of this supposed friendship.
It starts like this:
They ask you how was your day. You guys talk about the pressures of work or school life. You know, trivial things.
But then something happens:
Suddenly, they focus on a specific topic.
This may be related to your current partner. Or your ex. Or one of your brothers. This may also be about a potentially crazy and intoxicating night you had many years ago.
I’m not entirely sure why they would want to know something so personal.
But since you already see them as good friends, you are open to them.
So how does this relate to fake friends?
Well, that’s because they are just around to get information.
Maybe it’s a close friend of someone you broke up with. They just want to know who you are now, or if you feel miserable because you lost your ex.
Another reason they are contacting you is because they are jealous of your recent promotion. This friend of yours is hoping to get a shameful story from you, which he can use for bullying.
The main point is:
They have no real interest in being friends with you.
5) They can’t keep a secret
It is common to feel a crush on someone.
It is also not rare to share love secrets with your friends.
After all, it’s fun to have someone to tell stories with. Plus, who doesn’t like being teased from time to time about their love interests?
So here’s the dilemma:
Fake friends don’t know when to be silent.
It’s as if it’s in his nature to spill the beans the moment you’re not around. They don’t care about your right to privacy – or that you trust them enough to keep the secret.
According to a New York Times article, “Infidelity makes for a bad friendship” and “When friends break up,” “often in cases where one person shares personal information or secrets, the other wants to keep it secret.”
For them, it’s all about the drama. They’ll even lie if they have to.
This is because revealing secrets makes them feel like they have power – and this, in some way, will make them more popular or better in the eyes of others.
Did you know about Gossip Girl?
that’s it.
Fake friends are just waiting for big, exciting gossip from their friends.
As long as it’s not about them, they are willing to let the world know as soon as possible.
How to deal with fake friends
Well, now you have determined who among your friends is fake. I realized how manipulative and unworthy they were.
What do you do about it?
Here is a suggestion:
Cut ties with them. We know that it’s not easy to be the one to start this, especially if you have really good moments with them.
