Key Points

Most adult children know that being a narcissist is not their parents’ “fault.”
The challenge most adult children face when feeling angry is that it scares them.
Guilt can be healthy or toxic, depending on the function it serves.

Adult children of narcissists ride a familiar rollercoaster. It starts with a gradual rise of feeling white-hot anger toward the narcissistic parent, then a sudden drop as they are overcome by guilt because they also register empathy or sadness toward their narcissistic parent. After the sadness or sympathy comes the feeling of deflating.

Why does this happen?

When it comes to our attachment figures, we are programmed to attach to them just to survive, but within that connection, we need to see them in a good light, even when they are abusive. As far as I know, humans are complex mammals, and we are the only species that is dependent on our parents for more than 18 years.

Complex Emotions and Inner Conflicts

This relationship involves a whole range of emotions: longing, anger/resentment, fear, disappointment, sadness, joy, disgust, and love/hate. The challenge is that we often feel a complex mix of emotions toward our parents, making the relationship even more complex and difficult.

If we only felt anger toward them, for example, it would be easy to decide not to contact them, to reduce contact, or to set stricter boundaries with them. But because we feel multiple emotions toward our parents, we often experience an inner conflict: How do I hold my anger and resentment together with the tender and sometimes loving feelings I feel? The problem is that we long for them and despise them at the same time. What do we do with this?

Logically, many adult children recognize that their narcissistic parents’ inability to empathize and have healthy boundaries, for example, is inherent in their personality (hence, narcissistic personality disorder). Even if the parent is not exactly a narcissist but has many of the traits, adult children understand that the path forward in their parental relationship will mostly rest on their shoulders. “I know I can’t change my mom/dad” often starts many sentences, ending with “But I wish he/she would understand the hurt he/she causes me.”

The Triad: Empathy, Anger, and Guilt

Most adult children know that it’s not their parents’ “fault” for being narcissists. They can recognize that certain environmental and psychological factors played a role in their development, which naturally leads to feelings of empathy for the traumas their parent faced. This empathy often competes with an equally important emotion: anger. Feeling both together tends to result in guilt. It’s a strange equation: empathy plus anger equals guilt.

However, anger shouldn’t be viewed as a moral emotion. It is. Just as it’s not immoral for a windstorm to cut off the power, it’s not immoral for feeling angry either. When we use anger adaptively, it’s usually to protect ourselves in some way or change our expectations. When we act out our anger in ways that hurt ourselves or others, this guilt is healthy and normal. But just to feel angry? Guilt isn’t necessary.

The challenge most adult children face when experiencing their anger is that it scares them. In most families with narcissistic parents, anger has not been modeled well. Narcissists are prone to outbursts of anger that can be as obvious as a tornado or as subtle as a temperature change. In most cases, adult children internalize two ways of expressing anger: through violence and explosion or by silencing and suppressing it. As children, their expression of anger is likely to be ridiculed, minimized, or ignored altogether.

Anger is Information

When you feel anger building up in your body, your mind begins to label it. Common labels that adult children of narcissists feel include: “Anger is bad,” “I should be kinder; it’s wrong to be mad at someone for something they can’t control,” “Anger is a toxic emotion,” etc. These labels are likely to trigger anxiety and guilt, completely disabling the power of emotion and information. It’s amazing what language can do, too.

If our anger could simply be viewed as information that occurs naturally in a relationship, we would be less fearful and perhaps healthier as a result. Adult children of narcissists struggle with their anger more than most because, as children, they weren’t allowed to be sovereign, and anger helps us do that.

Anger connects us to our needs and motivates us to take action to meet those needs. It’s one of the most respected emotions because it helps us see when we’re not being treated right or when we’re in situations that jeopardize our well-being. Adult children of narcissists don’t feel like they deserve to love themselves because it could jeopardize their relationship with their parents. According to one narcissistic parent, a child who seeks to love themselves is selfish—a fool.

Compassion and anger can coexist.

You can certainly feel compassion for your narcissistic parent’s poor emotional maturity and you can feel deep anger toward them for the ways they hurt you. Feeling guilty about anger won’t get you very far unless you act in ways that violate your values, which will help you guide, correct, and make amends.

However, let’s be clear: Narcissistic parents are not the best people to get feedback about your relationship from. You may set boundaries with your narcissistic parent or limit contact with them and feel guilty either because: you feel it’s wrong or because they accuse you of not caring.

Either way, boundaries are still necessary. How you feel about these boundaries is worth examining. Why do you feel it’s wrong? Usually, the answer is that you feel you should have a relationship with them because they’re your parent. But that’s not enough reason to feel guilty.

I like to tell people that you can feel your feelings, one at a time, if you allow yourself the freedom to feel them. Can you accept that anger is not just part of your experience with your parents, but simply a part of life? Can you acknowledge your compassion without giving up your boundaries or sacrificing yourself?

Feeling the Three

We often feel guilty if we have hurt someone we care about. When guilt is healthy, it directs us toward repair and resolution. But when it is used as a tool to prevent ourselves from developing ourselves and expressing our needs, it does great damage to the human spirit.

You are likely to feel all three emotions toward your narcissistic parent. Allow yourself to feel anger so you can make adaptive changes, allow compassion to touch your heart, and remember to be mindful of how much guilt affects you.