I admit it. You’ve read all the articles you could find to learn about narcissists’ biggest fear.
In fact, you may have tried some of the suggestions in an attempt to give the narcissist a taste of his medicine.
Only, none of it seemed to make a difference. The narcissist just yawned, with the same enthusiasm as watching the paint dry.
If you want to know the one irrefutable thing narcissists fear, you’ve come to the right place. After reading this article, you will know the previously elusive truth about what causes a narcissist to panic so you can take real action. A job with a future.
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The biggest fear of narcissists
The thing that scares narcissists the most is that you will remember who you were before you met them.
From the first day the narcissist meets you – through the love bombing phase – what they are trying to do is replace your thoughts with their negative and toxic programming. They spend an inordinate amount of time and love their energy bombarding you. This can be in the form of dinner, gifts, and let’s face it really, their time and energy. All those late night phone calls, texts, damage control…
Unbeknownst to you, even while they love to blow you off, most narcissists have someone else they’re attuned to or may even be preying on. This takes a lot of energy. Anyway, during the love bombing phase, the narcissist makes you feel like you have never felt before in your life. By all accounts, this often happens when people feel self-fulfilled for the first time in their lives.
But let me tell you what really happens. This is the time when many people fall in love with themselves. They are actually loving themselves for the first time in their lives. This is what helps the narcissist destroy you.
During love bombing, you feel more self-fulfilled. All of your unique traits, dreams, interests, spirituality…the narcissist makes you feel like they are just like you and that you are so unique and special for those things. No doubt about it, you are special. But after the love-bombing phase, the narcissist tries to do everything they can to make you feel ashamed of who you are.
They want you to be embarrassed about your dreams, hopes, and spirituality, so they start trying to tear you down, fiber and thought by thought, until you end up not liking yourself.
This is the primary and ultimate goal of every narcissist. Because of this, most of them will anyway try to isolate you from your friends and family. They don’t want others to tell you to leave them because they are not good for you. For narcissists, it is all about control. So if a narcissist is able to change your thoughts, they have complete control over you. And this is exactly what happens in most cases.
Why a narcissist doesn’t want you to think for yourself
The narcissist considers you an investment in their future. They don’t want to lose all the money they spent. The time and energy they invested, or their efforts in damage control. These things are very uncomfortable for the narcissistic individual.
At first, during love bombing, they may seem like they are having fun and are enjoying themselves. These are the memories you will cling to when things start to fall apart. But most people enjoy being entertained, perhaps by going on vacation, going to the movies, or having a nice dinner. But if you look back, you might remember little things they did or said that made you doubt yourself.
Maybe they admire you because of your art. Maybe you’re an artist, maybe you make music, but suddenly after a couple of months, they start criticizing your art or your music.
Or maybe you are a leader at your job and they are starting to make you doubt your leadership skills. Maybe you’re studying for a really big exam to become a lawyer, for example, and they start to break you down bit by bit until you doubt your intelligence.
Basically, what the narcissist is trying to do, almost from day one, is reprogram your brain. And that’s a big part of what narcissistic abuse is all about, is reprogramming your brain.
You didn’t ask for it, you don’t deserve it
You may have heard many people say that you are hurt and because you are an empath, this is what drew the narcissist into your life. If you’ve seen any of my recent work, you’ll know that I don’t really get involved with this theory anymore.
We can hardly walk down the street in our neighborhood without meeting a narcissist or two.
Think of it this way – this is a point one of my students made recently that really hit me. Telling someone that they attract narcissists because they are good-hearted or because they are infinitely empathetic is like telling someone who has been raped that they deserve it because of what they wear.
This is an old paradigm that we need to start breaking.
You may have “attracted a narcissist,” so to speak, because you were trying to make a connection. They would love to bomb you. It felt like they were trying to get to know you as a person. And it was all very exciting.
What we need to do, though, when those red flags start to pop up (and they will) is instead of brushing them under the rug and telling yourself that you’re empathetic, that you’re giving them some space to heal their wounds…after the first yellow or red signs, That’s when you need to sit down and talk to yourself.
Does this person stir up some uncomfortable feelings? Do they criticize you? Does it make you feel like nothing you do or say is good enough? You will know. Your intuition will tell you whether or not this person is emotionally secure.
We don’t want to go back to the old paradigm of “hurt people, hurt people”, turn the other cheek, give them the benefit of the doubt. The first few times maybe, but after that, you just need to cut that anchor and sail away. Even if you’ve been in a relationship for a while, even if you’re already intimate with them. If they start trying to control you by making you feel bad about yourself, that is the indisputable first red flag that you are dealing with a narcissist.
So there you have it. Narcissists’ biggest fear, above all else, is that you will remember who you were before you met them.
Because if you remember how unique, divine, and beautiful you are, you will never spend another day with someone like them. This terrifies them to the core.
final thoughts
You deserve more than emotional manipulation and abuse. You deserve the freedom to enjoy life and surround yourself with supportive people.
If you experienced (or have been exposed to) narcissistic abuse in your relationship, you will likely feel like you are dealing with a complete stranger. All the connection you felt with them has vanished into thin air and suddenly the person who used to feel at home is an unknown entity exuding boredom and anger with you.
If you know you need to rid yourself of the horrific addiction and devastating emotional and spiritual pollution from a narcissist, please consider Break Free. Healing is a process that can unlock some truly transformative discoveries and opportunities when we give ourselves a chance to recover and thrive.
