Setting and sticking to healthy boundaries in all your relationships is not only essential, it’s the only thing that will end or strengthen those relationships right away.
And regardless of the result…
It’s the greatest gift you’ll ever receive.
I’ve written about boundaries before, but I wanted to create a comprehensive guide to everything I wish I knew about how to set personal boundaries and boundaries in relationships.
If you don’t have personal boundaries, you will never have relational boundaries. And if you have no boundaries in your relationships – you will never have a real relationship. Only the deal you get to be a mop/victim/prisoner / helpless loser, every time.
Boundaries make you a winner, without reducing your relationships to a game.
You can win because you get to know who people are.
You win because you finally managed to clean your side of the street (instead of continuing to water dead plants on everyone else’s emotional possessions).
You win because you no longer take responsibility for other people’s behavior (only your own).
You can win because you are still on your white horse.
You win because you can separate your value from the imbalance of others.
You can win by owning your flaw instead of blaming others for it.
You win by not wanting to control others. I have mastered self-control.
You win by gaining unconditional confidence and self-esteem that comes from:
The presence of boundaries. Screening of psychologically toxic people by non-interaction (staying on your white horse). Please walk away from anyone who tries to blur and cross your definitive lines.
By having non-negotiable boundaries, you win because you automatically position yourself as the one who escaped.
Having boundaries means that you trust your intuition on your fears and triggers. This means that you respect yourself enough to make uncomfortable decisions and stay away from the people you care about – no matter how much your heart and sexual desire beg.
Having boundaries is scary. Especially when your child is not developed and/or respected.
But you will be so thankful that you dared to implement them when all that you are now tolerating is no longer a reality in your relational world.
What are personal boundaries?
Personal boundaries are whatever your boundaries are regarding how others treat you. Your boundaries are basically what you find acceptable and unacceptable in other people’s behavior towards you.
It has always been difficult for me to know what my limits are because this kind of knowledge is not something that cannot be bought or taught. It can only come from self-awareness, self-love, and the knowledge that you have real value, regardless of what others think, say, and do.
The best part about boundaries is that you (and only you) have to decide what your boundaries are. The hardest part is keeping them in the world of family, friends, and lovers who will make you feel guilty for not making “special adjustments.”Some will call you crazy when they realize that they cannot manipulate you. They will remind you of your bond, your history, and how sorry they are-all they can break down your walls so they can get their needs met again and/or feel like less of a sh*t for what they did.
The limits are not flexible and do not work on a case-by-case basis. The more you have to explain your limits, the less you already have.
If your boundaries are not solid, they are not boundaries. It’s just a weave of the spine that you wish you could somehow revive.
Boundaries do all of the communicating for you regarding how others should treat you, what they can expect from you, and what they can and cannot get away with. You can’t control what others do and say to you, but you can control how comfortable they feel saying and doing what they say and do to you.
It is the boundaries that control this level of comfort.
Your boundaries are garlic for Emotional Vampires.
They teach people how to treat you without having to say a word. Remember, you are the SI or of the U and the U is not only very exclusive, but you are the one who gets to determine the structure of your entity. Think of it as membership in an elite club or a prestigious organization. There are always some conditions that must be met (and upheld) for everything that you want to reach and experience in this life.
Do toxic people try to negotiate with the gas and electricity company every month? No.no. They make sure they pay their bills on time because they know if they don’t, they won’t have any hot water or electricity.
Personal boundaries are not something that will make a toxic person or a toxic relationship non-toxic. It should never be carried out as an ultimatum or an intimidation tactic – only as unshakable proof (just like a gas bill).
Boundaries are a symptom of confidence, self-esteem, and self-awareness. To the right people, boundaries are exciting. Toxic people are either a challenge or something they can potentially bust/mold to their liking. Some will interpret your boundaries as a ” red flag.”You will feel” mean”,” too severe”, immature, and ashamed that there are limits. Toxic people need confirmation that they can break your boundaries to maintain survival.
If you have healthy personal boundaries, you will never be clingy, needy, or hungry for crumbs. Wool will not be pulled over your eyes again.
Until a few years ago, one of my biggest problems was sharing too much information about myself. I wish I could call it” over-sharing ” but it was much darker than that.
There is no worse prison than knowing better while you are in the moment of not doing a better job. It happened and somehow I felt involuntary but as I was doing it, I was aware that I could shut up at any time. This made me feel ashamed and vulnerable because I lost control. I knew how unnecessary it was. I knew that eventually, I had control over what I chose to share. I was very envious of people who could open up but were also private in a way that exuded self-esteem and intrigue.
If I didn’t participate, I felt that I would never see, hear or understand. When I did the share, I felt lousy, weak, out of control, and exposed.
Personal boundaries are necessary because without them, there are no boundaries:
He will lose his mind. Self-sabotage will break out. Doubt you will experience it. The fear that you will act on. The power that will drain from. How many people will use you?
No boundaries = low self-esteem (and high social anxiety).
Your self-esteem is directly related to your system of personal moral rules/values. If deep down you know that you are not acting accordingly, then you will continue to look for completely bankrupt sources, to nullify negative emotions about yourself that you cannot.
A big part of our moral code, no matter how different you are from mine, is to fulfill the promises we make to ourselves. This is what builds self-esteem. I couldn’t keep a promise to save my love life because I never learned how to have healthy boundaries.
If you’re having trouble setting boundaries, that’s okay. Boundaries are not something we are born with.
Boundaries are something we learn through parents and/or watching the example given by our parents/parent figures.
When I was a child, the adults in my life made it clear (with the best intentions) that they knew me better than I knew myself. And I was very afraid to disagree with their assertions; questioning authority was out of the question.
Related : Can People Change Or Is It Just Fake?
These adults (except for the two I took for granted), were not interested in getting to know (or making me find out) what my likes and dislikes are. They just wanted me to stay in line, get good grades, and act.
Lying became the perfect pacifier to give them when I felt trapped.
After a while, my lie became compulsive. I ended up becoming the least spine for adults who suffered from this disease to please.
No matter what the relationship or situation was, I would find myself continuing; sharing things that no one had even had the opportunity to ask or business to find out. It was exhausting on both sides. When I was in” Test mode ” (which was fueled by my social anxiety), I was doing my best to explain who I was, what I stood for, and what I overcame. Throwing some excessive sweating, shaking, inability to look the other person in the eye, passive bragging about unworthy things, absolutely no questions or interest in the other person (other than checking his authenticity)-that’s how having a “conversation” with me was like.
The sad thing is that I sincerely cared about others. I just wanted them to see in me what I can’t see in myself.
I wanted them to know about me.
I wanted to fit in.
I wanted to be loved.
I wanted to be cool.
I wanted to be chosen.
I wanted to be enough.
And because I was told who I was as a child (and I didn’t have the opportunity to find out who I was, what I liked/didn’t like, etc.), I became an adult who looked to others to tell me who I was, what I was worth, what my purpose was in their World.
The habit of over-reviewing through over-sharing will affect the dimensions when you meet a new person. I felt like I had to sabotage and reject myself before anyone else had the opportunity.
I couldn’t figure out why I did this. I would like to over-participate, embarrass myself, vow not to do it again, break this promise (eliminate my self-esteem), and then do it again.
More than anything else, I just wanted to see and understand.
So how do boundaries in relationships play into this?
Although I was able to recognize and respect other people’s boundaries (most of the time to the point of kissing), I never learned how to set my boundaries because as a child, I was deprived of this connection. Therefore, when I tried to set boundaries in my relationships as an adult, I was not able to respect those boundaries.
And if I didn’t respect my boundaries, no one else would. Guilt and second-guessing will take over whenever you think about talking or taking action.
I would then give up and get used to it.
Until I started implementing boundaries, I was constantly chasing renewal. Because I was always acting from a place where I felt rejected and forgotten, I will try to reinvent myself in an attempt to make people forget how pathetic and desperate I acted.
Related : Can People Change Or Is It Just Fake?
Setting boundaries was the only thing that completely redefined me in everyone’s eyes (including mine).
Boundaries were the protector, savior, and understanding I was looking for. They filtered out everything it took to go and I was finally, left with my true self – exactly who I was supposed to be. All that I had was the lack of boundaries prevented the realization.
What do healthy boundaries look like?
Healthy boundaries are not complicated. If it seems complicated, it’s only because you are afraid to implement it.
When I first realized how necessary personal boundaries are, I thought “Well, so how can I communicate what my boundaries are to the people in my life who take me for granted? How can I get them to respect my boundaries?”
This led to a boundary explanation for people who did not have any boundaries and did not respect my boundaries. It was pointless. This also led to talking (and talking) to the point of nausea about what I would have done if X, Y, and Z continued. But I didn’t do anything (except drain my strength and spin my wheels).
Explaining, justifying, and arming your boundaries via threats translates for others that your” boundaries ” are not just for negotiation, but do not exist. You just urgently need a crumb, away from your white horse, and this is afraid of being alone.
Healthy boundaries are about being less descriptive and more direct-whether that’s moving your boundaries once after crossing your line and adjusting accordingly, or, taking immediate action because you know the other person lacks the emotional intelligence and awareness to be worth it.
You will know that you have healthy personal boundaries when you stop taking responsibility for what others say and do. And you no longer expect anyone to take responsibility for what you say and do.
Signs that you lack personal boundaries
You have a hard time talking about yourself. You worry about what others think about you, your life, and your decisions. You attract controlling friends, family members, and lovers. You over-share details about your life that you don’t want to share. You’re needy. It’s hard for you to say no. You tell people that you are not in the drama but it seems that you are always involved in it. You feel like you have to defend yourself all the time. You are passive-aggressive and tend to manipulate (as a way to regain the strength you no longer have). Your relationships are toxic. You are dependent on others. You are a doormat in all your relationships. You give your time and energy to others at the expense of your productivity. You’re a victim. If others are unhappy or seem distant, you feel guilty and turn into a court clown. Try to do everything you can to change the mood. You feel that people make you feel inferior so that they feel superior. You are a motivational coach for everyone, a personal psychologist, a cheerleader, a fixer. People take advantage of your kindness. You want to be everyone’s favorite/best friend/favorite. You engage in gossip even though you declare that you are allergic to it. You get a big investment in people you’ve just met / barely know. You are jealous in your relationships. You put a secret with everything that you are the first to declare that you will not put up with.
How to set boundaries
Once you realize that you lack personal boundaries, the easiest way to implement them is to learn how to say “no,” which will eventually give you the courage to act based on ” enough is enough.”
Remember…
You get to decide how much time and energy you want to give to the people in your life.
You get Liberation. By mastering self-control, you become an emotionally driven entrepreneur and separate yourself from a society of emotional employees where everyone is trying to control everyone else. Now you are a breath of fresh air instead of a fart that needs fresher air in the form of attention from people who are too afraid to pay any for themselves.
Ask yourself: “What exactly are my limits?”What am I no longer willing to put up with in my relationships?”
Look at a photo of yourself as a child and ask yourself: “What / Who Will I never show?”
Some examples of healthy boundaries in relationships
Healthy limits protect you. They contribute to self-esteem, respect for others, and respect for others. Unhealthy boundaries perpetuate codependency, control, and abuse.
Here are some examples of healthy versus unhealthy boundaries in relationships…
Healthy: confidence grows over time.
Unhealthy: trusting everyone or not trusting anyone.
Healthy: the ability to communicate clearly and unambiguously what your desires and needs are.
Unhealthy: playing, pulling the string, manipulating, not being able to listen or communicate in an aggressive, non-defensive, and non-passive way.
Healthy: you respect yourself and have a strong sense of who you are and what you stand for.
Unhealthy: you are a chameleon. Because you lack a fixed identity, you end up becoming what you think people want you to be. There is a different personality/energy/style you have for each person/group.
Healthy: feeling full, just as you are.
Unhealthy: looking for someone to complement you.
Healthy: take responsibility for your happiness and suffering. You realize that everything you feel is a direct result of the decisions you have made and what you have chosen to endure.
Unhealthy: relying on your partner to make you happy (and being the victim when he fails to do so)/blaming your partner for your misery.
Healthy: your moral/value system is not compromised.
Unhealthy: you are putting your beliefs / moral code at risk to avoid judgment, rejection, or confrontation.
Healthy: having connected friendships and relationships outside of your romantic relationship.
Unhealthy: being codependent, having a “US versus the world” relational mindset, and not being able to have relationships outside of your romantic relationships (often due to possessiveness and jealousy that stem from narcissistic insecurity).
Healthy: you can keep and always prioritize your feelings and values. And while you can recognize and appreciate the opinions of others, you can ignore what does not serve you and separate it from who you are.
Unhealthy: you rely on other people’s feelings, beliefs, validation, and opinions more than you do yourself.
What do healthy personal boundaries look like?
I don’t need anyone or anything to complete me. I am enough as you were, just as I am, and just as I will be. My mental health is my top priority. I will lose anyone or anything before I lose my mind. I have the right to feel the way I feel and to respond in a generous act (not leading to a reaction). It’s not my job to comfort others when they have an allergic reaction and victim to my limits. It’s not my job to make people love me, choose me, see in me what I can’t see in myself. The thought of trying to be “good enough” to make someone up: change, be happy, mature, and empathetic makes me nauseous. As does the idea of trying to control others. Saying”No” is incredible. I don’t feel guilty anymore. It’s okay if people criticize me, disagree with me, or get upset. They are entitled to their feelings as much as I am entitled to mine. If I’m labeled crazy because I can’t be manipulated, so be it. I feel comfortable in the fact that there will not be any “special circumstances” where my borders can be negotiated. Not everyone will like me and that’s okay. I would rather be hated by others than loved by anyone at the expense of my self-love. Good or bad, how others treat me is a gift. It’s a window into the relationship they have with themselves. Red flags are no longer a signal for me to investigate further or try harder.
Feeling guilty for setting boundaries
If anyone has a problem with you loving yourself enough to have healthy boundaries, it’s their problem. Not for you.
A person with healthy boundaries will have no problem having boundaries of your own. But as long as you are struggling with self-esteem, you will implement the boundaries too passively, too aggressively, or if you do it right you will feel an incredible amount of guilt. And if you are dealing with a toxic person, he will make you feel like an unreasonable and selfish person for having limits (and cutting off their access to you).
Don’t give in to this. Do not allow heartbreak to blur the lines.
You owe it to your younger self to do this. If I can do it alone, we can do it together.
