I don’t know about you, but looking at the list of guys I’ve tried to date, emotionally unavailable guys account for about 95 percent of the total waiting list. And if I don’t finally meet the man I’m with now, you can round that up to a perfect score of 100.

I know that many women can feel like falling in love with men who possess certain personality traits and characteristics that, just by looking at them closely, they can see bright red flags all the time.

You may also ask yourself fairly often why you’re drawn to emotionally detached men — and perhaps even incapable of love — when all you want, more than anything else in the wide world, is to be loved by someone you can love. Count on her being there for you, no matter what.

To understand what attracts you to this type of man, it helps to understand the signs you may be able to see beforehand that indicate he is afraid of falling in love with you (or anyone else, for that matter).

7 Common characteristics of emotionally unavailable men

1. They are not safe.

Years ago, I had a friend who was struggling with a loss of self-confidence. He was abused as a child, struggled to get a job, and had a bad temper that got him into trouble and his marriage failed. His confidence has never been high, but the past decade has worn him down.

When we first met, he was very emotionally available. He couldn’t believe that “someone like me” could love him, and he enjoyed it. He showered me with words of love and tons of affection. I have never felt so loved.

As our relationship progressed, his emotional availability gradually decreased. He still held onto me like a lifesaver, but he stopped giving me what I needed to feel loved. He couldn’t love me, but he refused to let me go.

After we broke up, I realized that this guy probably didn’t think he deserved to be loved so he didn’t even try. He also probably thought that because he failed at everything, our relationship would fail, so he sabotaged it.

I saw potential in him, so breaking up with this broken man was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. However, doing so was important. His emotional unavailability has made me question my self-worth in the world, and that’s not good.

Related: Sometimes Loving Him Means Letting Him Walk Away

2. They are incapable of honest communication.

When I first met my ex-husband, I was struck by two things about him in particular—that he could drink—a lot—and that he was wonderfully physically affectionate. Both of these are qualities I was looking for in a man.

As the years passed and I stopped drinking, things came to light that were disturbing.

When it came time to process emotions, my husband couldn’t cope. At the first hint of a discussion about emotions, he would head to the fridge for a beer. Trying to talk to him about how I felt was impossible. As a result, I felt alone in the marriage, and we grew further and further apart.

The other thing that came up was that my husband used physical affection as a way to express his feelings. He was always touching me, but his touch soon made my skin crawl.

Looking back, he realized it was because he was so out of touch with his emotions that his physical touch was fake. This way of trying to express his feelings when he was already emotionally unavailable was one of the things that ultimately destroyed our marriage.

3. They are narcissists.

The dictionary definition of “narcissism” (as opposed to the clinical diagnosis of someone with narcissistic personality disorder) is someone who has “an excessive preoccupation with or admiration for oneself.” A narcissistic person is so self-absorbed that any kind of consideration or emotional availability is simply impossible.

Everything that happens in their life or world reflects on themselves. If they get angry, they scream. If they are sad, they attack.

Since they are so obsessed with themselves, they don’t feel the need to get in touch with their emotions. They think they are fine.

Moreover, looking at another’s feelings and feeling empathy simply does not happen. Instead, they notice how the other person’s feelings might affect theirs, and that’s all they care about.

If the man you love is concerned with himself rather than others, he is a narcissist and is unlikely to have the emotional readiness you desire and deserve.

4. They are workaholics.

We all know that person – the person who works obsessively 24/7, who has no time for anything else, who is obsessed with their success, and who doesn’t understand the need to turn away from their work toward someone else.

Many people who are workaholics are similar to alcoholics in that they use their work to medicate themselves no matter what feelings they may be feeling. Feeling feelings, or understanding other people’s feelings, is too painful, so they pour their energy elsewhere.

Another problem with workaholics is that they are rarely truly present. Their physical bodies are always outside the home, and when they are at home, they are usually busy with work.

A person who is not there for you will never be emotionally available. You can try again and again to reach them, but most likely without success. This will make you feel lonely and ignored.

5. They are emotionally immature

Men who do not have good relationships with their mothers are often not emotionally available at all. The bond between mother and child is the oldest and deepest in human experience.

Boys (and girls) who do not have this connection with their mothers suffer from stunted emotional development. They do not learn the feminine traits inherent in empathy, affection, trust, and communication. Not learning these things sets them up for a lifetime of not knowing how to love and be loved in return.

In contrast, the guy I’m currently dating has an amazing relationship with his mother. He visits her twice a week and watching them together is great. The love and respect he has for her and what she has done in the world is written all over his face. The pride and admiration she feels for what her son has brought into the world is palpable.

The cornerstone of my man’s emotional availability was created by a woman who loved him unconditionally and taught him the dos and don’ts of truly expressing and receiving love.

6. They never let their guard down

Emotionally unavailable men will resist any situation that puts them in a place of weakness. He makes them feel exposed, perhaps even vulnerable, which is especially terrifying because revealing his “true self” means he will also have to show his true feelings.

He may feel societal pressures, or he may have been raised to believe that showing weakness is a shameful and disempowering experience.

Or maybe he was burned out in previous relationships — even outside of romantic ones. For example, having a broken relationship with a parent or friend who was previously very close to them. By keeping his guard up, he likely believes this is a self-preservation tactic.

Not only can this make him emotionally immature, but he will not be able to open up and be more comfortable showing vulnerability until he grows out of the structures he was raised in, or heals and grows from the experiences that shaped him. He closed himself off emotionally

While resisting any opportunity to be vulnerable may protect him from being hurt again, it also prevents him from being able to form deep connections and truly experience what love feels like and the magic of falling in love.