Childhood trauma can be difficult to recognize if parents don’t educate themselves about what it looks and sounds like. Stories abound in the media of children, young and old, going public about the abuse they have suffered. The common denominator in these stories is parents who seem shocked by what happened under their noses. The latest scandal, with several young gymnasts being abused by a trusted doctor, highlights the need for awareness of the way children suffering from trauma often behave.
I was painfully aware that my daughters had suffered at the hands of their narcissistic, emotionally abusive father. But even I missed the events and traumas she experienced later, long after he was gone. In the frenetic pace at which we live our lives, we can all easily dismiss behaviors that should signal to us that something has gone seriously wrong. Children, too, do not always understand what has happened to them. Educating them about their bodies is just the beginning of protecting your child from abuse.
We must also teach our children to communicate, say no, and be brave. We ourselves must be listeners and believers in their stories. A little denial or minimization on our part can help perpetuate widespread abuse. In married families, the problem becomes more complex. One cannot control events in other parents’ homes and one cannot always be aware of the tensions and difficulties that arise between siblings of children. Being alert to changes in mood and behavior is crucial to understanding your child’s emotional state.
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For children under three, the biggest tip is to grow slowly. Stress prevents necessary brain growth and therefore language, gross and fine motor development can be significantly delayed. One of my daughters suffered hearing loss when her father refused to give her medication for ear infections. When she was able to put tubes in her ears, her language made huge leaps, although it took a few years for her to really catch up.
Think of trauma like a chronic ear infection. The pain and deafness resulting from this condition limit the ability to interact with the outside world. The energy that should be used to learn new skills goes toward dealing with the stress of pain. Deafness prevents the understanding of the messages that parents are trying to send to the child. The shock is a great silencer. Unable to communicate and unable to understand, the children simply shut up and walk out. The biggest lie ever told about any child abuse is that children are resilient. They are suffering greatly.
As children get older, the signs become more noticeable if you know what to look for. If you see your child, who is four years old or older, exhibiting these behaviors, it’s time to start looking. Immediately. One of these behaviors in itself is common from time to time. Regular display of these signal shocks of one kind or another.
1: Your children regularly have severe seizures.
This is especially a concern if your child was previously quiet. But if your child starts losing his temper on a regular basis, there may be an underlying reason behind the anger. Tantrums are very common. What you are looking for is a change in behavior.
2: Your children act out to get your attention, whether positive or negative.
If your child is doing his best to get your attention by any means necessary, he is indicating that something is not right in his world. They need you but don’t know how to get what they need from you.
3: They retreat.
If they start wetting the bed, sucking their thumb, or reviving an old baby blanket they haven’t looked at in years, they’re looking for comfort. It’s time to ask yourself why they need extra rest.
4: Your child is easily startled.
If they jump out of their skin when you call their names or scream in fear when you accidentally startle them, they may indicate that they have persistent fears that you don’t know about. Hypervigilance is also something to watch for in your child. Caution is a personality trait. A frightening awareness of changes in the environment may indicate something else.
5: Children imitate abusive behavior.
Look for any behavior that has sexual or violent connotations. This can include playing with toys in an inappropriate way, drawing pictures depicting things they shouldn’t know, or presenting premature sexual thoughts with playmates. Children may not know how to tell you what’s going on, but they reveal entire worlds through their actions.
6: Children suffer from anxiety.
If they don’t want to break up with you, or if they have fearful reactions to people in your circle, take note. This is especially worrying if they have not previously shown a fear of people, loneliness, or separation from you.
7: They act by withdrawing.
Children who experience trauma, past or present, often shut down. They go into their own little worlds where they can avoid the realities of their real world. If left unchecked, it can lead to a serious breakup.
8: Your children lack self-confidence.
If your child suddenly loses confidence in his or her ability to interact socially or participate in academic or athletic activities, it may be time to ask questions. Maybe something happened that made them lose comfort with who they are. Any kind of abuse can do that.
This is just a short list. Physical symptoms can also occur. Chronic stomach aches or headaches, as well as insomnia and nightmares, can alert a wise parent that all is not well in the child’s world. The sooner you understand what’s going on with your child, the sooner you can begin to restore safety and sanity to their world.
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We owe it to our children not to assume that everything is okay when their behaviors scream to us that things are not. A little denial, fear of confronting evil when it shows up at our door, or even just failing to educate ourselves can lead to unbearable lifelong consequences. Trauma can affect a child’s mental and physical health well into adulthood. Don’t be afraid to find out what’s going on in your child’s world. What you don’t know can really hurt them.
Just a note: I am not a doctor or psychiatrist. These signs can indicate physical illness and other problems as well. If your child has these symptoms, see your family doctor to begin the process of finding out what’s bothering your child. I selected this list from a variety of sources, including my family doctor. Just one or two of these symptoms could be just a phase. But if they persist, seek more information from professionals who can help.
