The somewhat recently coined term “echo” comes from the Greek myth of Echo and Narcissus, from which we also derive the term “narcissism.”

After being cursed by the goddess Hera, the nymph Echo was no longer able to speak for herself, but instead repeated the last words of what others said to her.

She began to lose her sense of self besides her voice, so she hid deep in her forest—until a handsome young man entered the forest and asked, “Is anyone here?”

Excitedly, she responded, “Here!” and ran out to meet him.

With her ability to interact and share her thoughts gone, Echo herself began to fade away. Narcissus rejected her and left her in the forest, where her remaining identity and life force continued to leak away.

Echo falls at the far end of the narcissism spectrum. In the middle, you’ll find people with what experts consider healthy levels of narcissism (that’s right—narcissism isn’t always the evil force it’s made out to be). On the flip side, you’ll find people who meet the criteria for Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD).

What It Looks Like

Psychologist Craig Malkin, who discusses echolalia in his 2015 book, Rethinking Narcissism, describes it as a lack of healthy narcissism.

Most people crave attention from others and believe they have certain unique traits that make them more special than the average person.

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with feeling a little special and hoping to receive love and affection. These feelings can also help:

Boost your self-esteem
Boost optimism
Strengthen your resolve to build healthy relationships

On the other hand, echolalia occurs when you don’t feel that sense of specialness.

People with high levels of echolalia may:

• Fearing praise
• Actively rejecting attention
• Doing their best to avoid burdening others
• Focusing on meeting others’ needs to avoid considering their own
• Believing that agreeing to what others want will help protect their affection
• Difficulty setting boundaries or asserting needs
• Believing that expressing opinions or needs will lead to a loss of love
• Carrying a lot of self-blame and regularly criticizing themselves
• Difficulty recognizing likes and dislikes
• Avoiding appearing attention-seeking or selfish at all costs
• Demanding too little from others
• Extreme empathy

Because more narcissistic people have a strong need for admiration and appreciation, they often end up in relationships with people who are high in echolalia.

This provides the echolalia in the relationship with a (usually unhealthy) way to provide that attention without putting themselves in the spotlight.

Echola vs. Codependency

This trait is often confused with codependency, enabling behaviors, or negative personality traits, but echolalia is more complex.

People with echolalia are often passive, especially when they are drawn to the attention they would rather avoid. They may put a lot of effort into encouraging others to open up and share their struggles. However, while they tend to be skilled listeners, they will not necessarily try to direct or control someone’s actions, as is the case with codependency.

Where It Comes From

Echoing is seen as a coping mechanism—a survival tool used when you know that your personal needs and goals are causing discomfort to others. The fear of losing positive regard can leave you with a deep-rooted need to focus on others so that they can continue to provide approval.

As with many other coping mechanisms, echoing has strong ties to your experience with your parents or caregivers as a child.

Parents with Narcissistic Traits

Echoing often arises as a result of narcissistic parenting.

Therapist Donna Savery, author of Echoing: The Silent Response to Narcissism, suggests that echoing is one aspect of what she calls the echoic narcissistic complex.

In her years of working with clients with echoic traits, she has found that most of them have a parent with narcissism. She has also noticed that they tend to pursue relationships with partners who also have narcissism.

The pattern that plays out in these relationships may seem familiar, even safe, to those who have long learned not to discuss their own needs or seek attention.

Parents with echolalia traits may discourage their children from wanting too much for themselves.

It’s perfectly reasonable for parents to warn their children against arrogance and excessive bragging. However, parents who criticize their children for dreaming or taking pride in their accomplishments may end up fostering the development of echolalia.

Parents who struggle with regulating emotions

If your parent struggled to regulate their emotions, you may have learned to support them through their distress, even at an early age, by comforting them or building their sense of self-worth. Meeting their needs left little room for you to express your own, so you eventually lost touch with what you once wanted for yourself.

You may have worried that asking for things would only make your parent even more upset. As a result, you did everything you could to avoid burdening them—even if it meant not meeting your own basic needs.

OvercomingIt

Experts don’t consider echolalia a mental health condition or personality disorder, unlike narcissistic personality disorder. However, echolalia can have a significant impact on your mental health, emotional well-being, and ability to build and maintain healthy relationships.

It’s also worth noting that not receiving positive attention can contribute to feelings of loneliness, isolation, and depression.

Notfeelingspecial or unique at all can also:

Detract from your sense of self

Prevent you from developing and achieving goals

Lead to a life without purpose

Here are some tips to get you started working through echolalia traits.

Identify how echolalia shows up in your life

Noticing how echolalia shows up in your behavior can help you start to address it.

Are you terrified of alienating people by asking for help? Maybe you avoid attention to the point where it’s hard to share opinions even at work or school, places where you’re expected to express yourself.

Or maybe you turn down offers of support, even when you need it because you don’t want to alienate the people in your life by making too many demands.

Also, consider the qualities that others compliment you on. Maybe your loved ones regularly comment on how helpful you are or thank you for always taking the time to listen to their problems.

You may also notice some patterns in failing relationships. If you regularly reject attention and kind gestures, the people who care about you may feel confused, even hurt, and eventually withdraw.

Avoid Self-Blame

When things go wrong, do you take the blame?

If so, some of these statements may sound familiar:

“I shouldn’t have asked for help.”

“If I told them how I feel, I’d make them feel worse.”

“I’m just upset because I’m so sensitive.”

“We wouldn’t have fought if I hadn’t complained about my feelings. I shouldn’t have said anything.”

Blaming yourself is just another way to avoid expressing your needs. Deep down, you may feel like you shouldn’t have any desires of your own, let alone express them. When you can’t help it, you end up finding fault with yourself to avoid feeling sad or regretful that your needs continue to go unmet.

Instead of finding fault, try to identify your true feelings, whether they include anger, disappointment, or fear. It may take a while before you feel comfortable sharing them with others, but that’s okay.

You might think:

“It’s my fault they don’t love me anymore.”

When you mean it:

“I feel frustrated because I want my friends to care about how I’m doing, but I’m afraid talking about my problems will make me seem too needy.”

Build and nurture supportive relationships

If you’ve had few relationships with people who tend toward the higher end of the narcissism spectrum, you may not have had much space to explore your identity or personal views.

Continuing to develop toxic relationships with people who have narcissistic traits can leave you isolated and prevent you from learning how to express thoughts and feelings in productive ways.

Investing energy in friendships with people who encourage you to share your feelings and needs and express yourself as a unique individual can help you break the habit of self-denial.

Try some creative expression

You may find it difficult to open up suddenly after years of hiding your feelings as much as possible. And that’s understandable. Expressing yourself in more private ways first can help you increase your comfort level with your own needs.

For example, journaling can be a great way to get in touch with your feelings. You can also try using it at the moment to write down reactions that feel too overwhelming to say out loud. This allows you to explore them more fully later.

Artistic outlets, such as painting, poetry, or music, can also help you express difficult or complex emotions.

Talk to a Therapist

Because echolalia is often associated with long-term patterns of behavior, it can often be difficult to manage without professional support.

It can be challenging to find a therapist who specializes in supporting people with echolalia, but therapists who treat narcissism and other personality disorders will usually have some knowledge of the concept.

A therapist who understands narcissistic personality disorder can also provide support for healing from narcissistic abuse.

By communicating honestly about your experiences, you can help your therapist provide the most helpful treatment for you. Be sure to mention any patterns or feelings you’ve noticed, including:

Self-blame
Difficulty expressing needs
Getting angry when people try to do things for you
Depression, anxiety, or loneliness
Fear of presenting yourself as special or worthy of praise
Relationship struggles

In therapy, you can begin to work on healthy skills to combat these tendencies, including setting boundaries and assertive communication.

Conclusion

An echo is a formless thing. Unlike you, it has no shape, body, or needs of its own.

Everyone deserves the opportunity to express their basic and emotional needs and seek support from others without fear of rejection. It may take some time before this feels natural or comfortable for you, but with practice and professional support, it can happen.