Hi Evie!
I hope you can help me relieve some of the pre-wedding stress I’m feeling. My fiancé and I have been engaged for almost a year and we are set to get married in late summer of this year. Everything is going smoothly except for one problem; I don’t want to take my future husband’s last name. I think that tradition is outdated, I have no siblings, lost my father at a young age, and my mother remarried. I am the last person to carry our family’s last name. I have tried suggesting a dual last name so that my fiancé and I can both get what we want, but he also doesn’t want it at all and thinks it’s a weird solution. I don’t want to cause unnecessary drama over something that seems so insignificant before our big day, but I am also really sad about the prospect of having to give it up… is it better to do so to avoid any conflict? – Ashley, Nebraska
Hi Ashley, and thank you so much for sending this message!
First of all, congratulations on your upcoming wedding! It’s completely normal to feel a little nervous before the big day. I don’t think it’s going to be a wedding without one or another issue!
I get you on the surname thing. It’s a very personal choice, and there’s no right or wrong answer. The fact that it’s tied to your family history and you’re no doubt feeling pressure to keep those memories alive makes it all the more emotional, which is understandable.
The good news is that you’ve already tried to compromise with the obvious first option (the double option). While your fiancé isn’t keen on it, it’s great that you’ve expressed your feelings and explored alternatives, which, if we’re being honest, take everyone’s feelings and desires into account.
Now, here’s the thing: it’s your name, and you shouldn’t feel pressured to change it if it doesn’t feel right. It sounds like this is more than just “tradition” to you; it’s about your identity and honoring your family’s legacy.
However, you’re also right to think about how this might impact your relationship. It’s important to have an honest conversation with your fiancé about why this is so important to you. Explain the emotional significance of your last name and why you’re reluctant to give it up entirely. Even if he’s reluctant to change his name, he should respect the loyalty you have to your family and be proud to carry it with him, as an extension of you. So, don’t give up just yet, and see if you can find a compromise that respects your wishes and his feelings.
There may be other creative solutions that you haven’t thought of. Maybe you keep your last name professionally and use it socially, or vice versa. Or maybe you create a completely new title that uniquely blends your two names.
Ultimately, the decision is yours, and it’s important to prioritize what feels right for you. It’s your wedding day, and you should feel confident and empowered, not pressured or resentful.
Remember, this is just one small part of your marriage. It’s about building a life together, supporting each other’s dreams, and respecting each other’s individuality. If you can overcome this challenge together, it can strengthen your bond and set a healthy precedent for communication and compromise in the future.
You’ve got this!
Sending you love and positive vibes,
Evie
